How much of this is hormones?

So, I've recently fallen pregnant too. I used to be on the normal pill, but as i have the breast cancer gene the doc decided i'd be better on a progesteron only pill. Which they never normally give to women under 40 as it's not very effective. I'm 26. Wish they'd told me that at the time. Anyway, i have my abortion scheduled on Monday. 9 weeks. I'm totally distraught at the thought of killing my baby. I never had a problem with abortion before it was me, I don't think it's morally wrong, I just think it's an incredibly hard thing to go through with. When I get sick or lie on my tummy and notice how tender my breasts are it makes me feel so much more connected to it than i thought possible. Since i saw it on the scan it's been sooooo much harder too, as it does look just like a tiny person.

But, I'm also sure that this isn't the right time in my life to have a child. I didn't even want one before i got pregnant, but now I do and i just want to make sure i can provide everything it needs. And that means more than just love. It needs a stable home and happy parents, and as we can barely support ourselves on our current salaries we need to wait. We're buying our first place, after sharing with friends for the last few years. I just have no idea how much we'll have left over after mortgage and bills each month, and can't possibly know if we can afford a baby, even with all the tax credits etc available.

The other thing, that I'm hoping for advice on, is hormones. At the moment, I'm crying pretty much constantly because all i want to do is protect my baby and watch it grow. I want so badly to be able to hold it and feed it. But I didnt even want kids before i got pregnant. I don't know why I want them now, and I'm hoping it's a lot to do with hormones and instinct. I can feel and i know in my heart i have a baby inside me, and the thought of killing it is tearing me apart. But I also want to be 100% sure i want kids before i have one, as i honestly think it's better for a child to never know life, than to know a life where it feels unwanted. And at the moment i'm just not sure. My mind changed so quickly after seeing the scan that I just don't trust my emotions. I'm hoping someone out there can come up with some magic words that'll make this all better, confirm it'll all be ok when im not actually pregnant anymore and all my hormones return to normal.

I'd normally talk to my mum, but she's facing cancer again and I can't bear to stress her out. She's so happy at the moment as my partner and i are buying a nice wee flat, I can't take that away from her. So please help...

5 months on

So, it's nearly 5 months on, and I thought I'd pop back on to try and advise others not to do what i did. We're setlled in our new flat, and I can now see that we would have managed......

Struggling with a huge depression, antidepressants havent really helped, and i just keep crying. I deserve it, but I hate to think of other girls going through this out of fear, so please consider very carefully before going through with an abortion.

Getting help with your depression

Hi Jennyd5
You are right the pills will not help this depression. As a stop gap until you are able to get the right help for you and your family , I suggest you get up in the morning and go for a walk. Start briskly and you will notice you begin to slow down, thats ok start to walk a bit faster again. This will give you some clear time for reflection.
Begin by asking your friends and family if they can help. Write down their responses, everyone will tell you something different.
This is a long road.
Let me know how you get on.
Casey

Sorry

sorry to hear what you are going through, and it's beautiful that you are posting your experiences, so that at least some good can come of this if your words can be helpful to others. Medication can help with depression but sometimes it's not enough. Have you gotten any counselling? Take a look at http://www.careconfidential.com/IHadAnAbortion.aspx if you haven't already. Hope you feel better soon, just don't feel guilty but instead think of the future. Peace!

Thanks

thanks guys,

I was ok for a few weeks, kinda numb, but was managing to work. Then my manager returned from his paternity leave and i just broke. I went to the docs, tried counselling, and it didnt seem to help, so asked for antidepressants, but they havent helped so far. I'm sleepin a bit more than I was, but having really vivid dreams. Keep dreaming I'm pregnant then my heart breaks when i wake up and remember what i did. Or worse.

Everyone keeps telling me i need to forgive myself to move on, but i just can't do that. My partner and I are getting married in a few months, and I cant even get excited about it. I'm waiting for another referal from the docs now, to the anxiety/depression service, for cognitive behavioural therapy or something similar, but I just don't see that it can help.

I made THE biggest mistake of my life, and had no idea it could have such a huge effect on me. Nothing can turn back the clocks and bring back that wee life. I wish I had just tried.

So i really hope anyone reading this in a similar situation decides to keep their baby. If it is impossible, please consider adoption instead. It may be harder initially to part with a baby after you've given birth to it, but there are loads of infertile people out there that could give your baby the loving home it needs, and I'm sure the guilt of giving your baby to a good home can't be anywhere near as bad as the guilt of killing it.

Big hugs to all.
xxx

Your already a mum, please be a good one xxxx

Hello,

I am 23 and when i was 17 i terminated my pregnancy of 7 weeks.
I remember seeing my baby scan, i have never cried so much, i really felt like a mother.

I wasnt too young to have a baby, i was too young to have an abortion!!

I have never fully got over it! I became depressed afterwards and i lost my boyfriend in the end anyway because he couldnt cope with my broken heart.
I am not against abortions... everybodys circamstances are different and you sound like you have thought about every aspect of this. However you also sound like you want to be a mum.

I just want you to know that abortion is not going to make this go way.. i really thought i could move on after my termination and i couldnt.. and whats worse is that i cant have children now.

Im sure you will do the right thing.

Good luck xxx

Do you want help in resolving your loss

Hi Simply86
I read your post and it struck a cord, I wonder if you need help to resolve the loss you feel. Have you been able to discuss your feeling over the past six years?
I would like to know you better, maybe you can tell me something about your life.
Casey

I did it

Hi again, and thanks for the replies.

Siobhan (by the way, i love that name, it's so pretty), thanks for the stuff about the breast cancer link. I pretty much know i'm going to get breast cancer anyway, so personally I'm not trying to avoid it. My mum is THE healiest person I've ever met, and yet it got her at 40. With the gene, there's a good chance it'll get me earlier. Which is one reason I'm not sure I even wanted to have kids... Since i found out about having the gene, I decided just to live my life with as much fun as possible, and just accept it may well be a shorter life than a lot of women.

I've basically accepted it's going to happen and i just have to cross that bridge when i come to it. So if abortion makes it happen a couple years earlier, well, that's just life. I also wanted to stay on the pill I'd been on, but the docs wouldnt let me as there was some evidence to show that it did increase the chance of breast cancer, They told me i shouldn't be concerned about the abortion doing so. I don't know if they're right, noone can be 100% sure, but for most women, without the gene, it does look like most of the info you can find out there indicates that abortion doesn't increase the chances of breast cancer.

I did also get the coil fitted, there's no hormones in it and i feel like hormones have been controlling my emotions too long, so i like the idea that in that way, it's one of the most natural methods of contraception. If it moves and does damage, I guess I'll probably see that as karma for going through with the abortion.

I'm not really sure how i feel at the moment. Kind of numb. I keep just staring into space, not really sure what I'm thinking. I feel ashamed that I was too cowardly to go through with having the baby. I think any woman that does go through with it when it wasn't planned is very very brave. Well, compared to me anyway, but as above, i feel like a total coward. I also feel guilty, to me it was my baby and i killed it so i am guilty and deserve anything that comes to me for it. But i also know it wasnt the right time for me to bring my baby into the world. I did speak to my mum in the end and she agreed. She knows me so well, and i'm just not ready.

I hope that in the next couple of years, my partner and i will get married, get better jobs and get settled into our new home, and then try to have a baby. It will be sooooooo loved if we can, but i guess I'll see what happens.

Love and best wishes to you all,
Jen
xx

2 weeks on

Well, the numbness has gone. I still think i made the right decision for everyone else involved, but i dont think it's what i wanted. Feeling a lot of regret and guilt and anger at myself for not being strong enough. Feel like I've failed some kind of test of if i can be a good parent, and like i dont deserve to be a parent now. Trying to get some counselling, as my partner thinks it'll help, but im not sure how talking about it could help.

Still not sure how much of my emotions are hormonal, just cant stop crying. Hope anyone else out there thats just had an abortion is coping better than me. XX

Talking

hi!
just a quick note that talking about your feelings does help! don't give up on yourself! one bad experience doesn't mean you can't or won't be a good parent. you will be a good loving best mother in the world
i myself feel very down at the moment but as i said before i couldn't keep it so there's no regret just sadness....some other problems don't help but i know it will be ok. and it will be ok for you! all the best! xxx

Hi

Thanks for sharing your experiences, Jen. Hope you will be ok. Dont be too hard on yourself; its been a difficult time for you. I dont know what anyone else on here believes and I also dont know what the truth is, but personally I dont think that because of what you did, bad things will happen to you or that you deserve for bad things to happen to you. Dont be so pessimistic about the breast cancer thoughts either; a family history is not a 100% guarantee that youll get it, and *IF* God forbid you ever do, advances in medicine are happening all the time so there might be an easy cure. Wish you and your future family all the best and if you should need some caring support, start here: http://www.careconfidential.com/IHadAnAbortion.aspx Peace and happiness to you and yours.

New start

hi Jen

what helped me to go though the termination is thinking of the bright happy future with my partner. about our wedding, settling in the lovely home and have kids, 2 or 3 or maybe more. it is like you start a new life fore better!

don't feel like a coward, you are not! life sucks and some times we don't have much choice.
stay brave and open about your feelings with your partner and mum! they are there to help!
x

Oh i know...

hi there!
i'm in the same situation when combilned pill failed me and my second (!!!) abortion is scheduled for Thursda. it's getting harder every day but i know we can't keep it, just can not
when i talked to doctors in bpas she recommended to switch to POP pill and i was on low-dose combined. now read about POP i know it isn't good for me! i'm over the maximum weight (70kg) and i'm 30 and if combined pill failed how POP will be good for me???
i'm so angry with all this rubbish i've started using Pill after my 1st abortion in November last year when we were using condoms and now Pill failed and i get wrong advice from docs again...when will it stop?

so, it IS hard, so bloody hard that i cry alsmot every day...but if you CAN and WANT keep the baby - KEEP it! i wish we cuold keep ours...but we can't

It's tomorrow

Thanks for replying, unfortunately i still have no idea what to do. I spoke to my boyfriend about it again, but he's very sensible and practical, and doesn't really see it as a child yet. Logically, i know i don't either, but emotionally it's completely different. He really wants us to wait a few years, and i'm sure he's right that it would be so much better then....

I just don't know if thats enough of a reason to go through with an abortion. But I'm so scared that wanting it is only because it's there at the moment, because of the hormones etc. I'm terrified that it'd be born and I'd regret it, and end up being a terrible mother. But then i get worried that in 6 months everything will seem easier. We'll be settled into our new place, no flatmates, and a much better idea of how much it's going to cost. And by then maybe i'd feel ready. But maybe not. Although I'm sure my partner would be very supportive if I said i wanted to keep it, I don't think he could be honestly happy with that plan, and I really want him to be happy too. Being pregnant and having a baby should be something exciting for both parents.... I think we're both a bit immature, i just don't know how we'd cope with that kind of responsibility.

It's crazy, there's so many emotions flying around at the moment I just cannot sort it out in my head, and don't know what i really want. It's like my heart wants one thing and my head the other.

If i do go through with it tomorrow, they're going to fit a coil, which would prob be more effective than the pill. I hope it goes ok for you almostmoon, my thought's will be with u on thurs.

I have a feeling my mind won't be made up until I'm actually at the hospital tomorrow. I feel like we've already decided on the abortion, but im constantly going to be doubting.

Logic

Hello there, just wanted to add that if you are looking for logical reasons to keep your new baby and for why the baby is a person, well here are a few: A heartbeat. Brain function. All body systems in place. Able to grasp objects. And from the moment of conception, the unique DNA that makes a person an individual unlike any other person that ever existed or will exist. See:

http://www.abortionfacts.com/online_books/love_them_both/why_cant_we_love_them_both_12. asp#How%20about%20nine%20weeks ?

Needless to say, today is an important day. Ill be thinking of you too. Peace!

A couple of things

It seems like the greater the doubt before the abortion, the greater the distress of the mother after. It is constantly urged on here by both pro life people and pro choice people that if you have ANY doubts, then dont do it.

to Jennyd, I know you looked up the abortion breast cancer link on Wiki, but I am not sure you read all the article. Seems like the first half of the long article is written from a point of view that this is just a nasty myth propogated by crazy pro lifers, but the second half gives the scientific basis for the link. I think you are dismissing it very easily, especially as you say you have the gene. A pro choice scientist did one of the most important studies on this, her name is Janet Darling at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center. Please please look her up and decide for yourself. she is quoted as saying from http://www.tnrtl.org/news_center/archives/05262001-02.htm
....
Earlier, Dr. Janet Darling and colleagues at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, in a study commissioned by the National Cancer Institute, found that "among women who had been pregnant at least once, the risk of breast cancer in those who had . . . an induced abortion was 50 percent higher than among other women." The risk of breast cancer for women under 18 or over 29 who had induced abortions was more than twofold. Women who abort and have a family history of breast cancer increase their risk 80 percent. The increased risk of women under 18 with that family history was incalculably high.

Being pro-choice didn't shield Darling from the usual attacks. She fought back. "If politics gets involved in science," she then told the Los Angeles Daily News, "it will really hold back the progress that we make. I have three sisters with breast cancer, and I resent people messing with the scientific data to further their own agenda, be they pro-choice or pro-life. I would have loved to have found no association between breast cancer and abortion, but our research is rock solid, and our data is accurate. It's not a matter of believing, it's a matter of what is."

.....
For your sake, I dont like the 'incalculably high' statement. Last year I read extensively her report, it is on the internet, but you will have to do a bit of digging. Every time the National Cancer Institute denys a link they are accused by the pro lifers of messing with the data (they do stuff like exclude all cases of breast cancer for women under 40, or some such nonsense) every time the pro lifers do some research they are accused of innacuracy due to 'recall bias' (women not admitting to abortions they had) Janet Darling addressed the 'recall bias' in a separate study, and proved it ot be untrue.

It is all very suspicious anyhow, and I am sure quite frustrating from your point of view, and unlike as reported on Wiki, there are in fact studies still going on in this field, the last word has not been spoken by the NCI, of that you can be sure. I find it interesting that the NCI commissioned Darlings study and then dismissed the findings, they were not what they wanted to hear. There are so many vested interests in the abortion debate, but if you think about the motivation behind the pro choice vested interests it is money, big drug companies and planned parenthood in the US and BPAS in the UK. The pro lifers have nothing monetary to gain from preventing abortions, it is more a matter of the heartfelt principle that life is precious in all its forms. So who is lying I wonder.....

I know this is all very theoretical, and I hope it does not annoy you. From your point of view if you want to convince your boyfriend that now is the right time to have a kid, and that another good reason is to protect yourself from cancer then I think this is a strong argument.

You care about his happiness, but having a child will make him happy aswell (scared senseless also!). Really nothing substantial enough will change between now and in 6 months time to justify having a baby then rather than now. Almost everyone worries about being a terrible parent, but the fact that you worry about it means that you wont be one.

If you can get your boyfriend to come for the scan tomorrow and ask to hear the heartbeat he might be convinced that what you are carrying in your womb is a child after all.

As I always say, you can walk out of there right up till the last second, no problems.

Take care, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Siobhan XXX

From experience...

Hi there, I don't know if this is of any helpt to you, but after having a baby, you realise that those first moments of conception, and the early days of your little one's life are as important as when they are say 12 months, because it was the self same girl / boy who you will get to know, and those early days where you are at the moment, with reflection become the most precious, as that was when the baby was developing in its very early infancy, and when it was designed in its entirity.

I was really detahced during my early pregnancy because I was having a difficult time with things in general, and it is really easy to think that 'it's not a child yet', but that is simply not true, and I really don't think that looking at it that way in the long run will help you, because when you do fall pregnant and when you do gain the perspective I have just mentioned (the retrospective importance of the early stages of your pregnancy), it will not help you, because it is a form of denial that your child is developing and is there, and will always now be a part of your past and / or future.

I know you've got some hard thinking and decision making to do.

Best wishes
Louise

Good luck!

hi!
all i can say is good luck.
we are going throught excatly the same thing - our hears are with a baby but my mind tells me to wait. last thing i want to be is a bad mother that blames her child for everything bad that might happen. that's why i have to do it again. on top of that come the situation with finances and jobs etc.

i wouldn't fit the coil as they are mostly all "abortive" type or give a huge amount of hormons and they might move and do the damage apart from stop protecting you.
i'll be talking to a doctor at bpas on Thursday to get a right choise of the pill - not POP and then i'll visit a family planing clinic to re-check the prescription. think again about the coil. and be strong! i kinda hope you keep the baby but if not - you know you aren't alone in this and if you partners is there for you too - it will be much easier. i hope he's going with you to the clinic! do let us know how it goes.
xxx

Wanted child

Hi, yeah, sorry to hear about the difficult situation ... but congratulations on the new life already growing inside you! Im a little confused because you say its better not to be alive than to be unwanted. But the thing is, your baby sounds like he or she is very, very wanted. <all i want to do is protect my baby and watch it grow. I want so badly to be able to hold it and feed it.>. In fact almost everything you say in your post shows how wanted this child is! Hormones? Of course, hormones play a part in the way you are feeling; they affect all of us, not just pregnant ladies. To have no hormones and no emotions is to be inhuman. Basically what youre feeling is natural, its not some product of <bad> hormones. Having your baby is the most natural thing you can do. And make no mistake, your hormones dont magically go back to normal after you have an abortion. Your body is preparing for a baby and suddenly theres no baby. You were right to say in your other post that the breast cancer link is not established, but the reason this theory was studied in the first place is that the hormonal screw-ups that come with abortion can play havoc with the womans body and emotions, far worse than pregnancy because its not natural, and all the aftereffects are still not known and still being studied.

One more thing, talking about the financial situation, I know from personal experience that being well to do and having the money for everything you want during your childhood is NOT the key to a happy family, a good home, or growing up to be a happy person. Financially struggling families of all kinds and all sizes do just fine without having all the material things they want. But I think you know that too.

Really feel for you in this difficult situation, and anxiously awaiting to hear how it turns out for you. Peace to you and your family!