My boyfriend doesnt want it....

I'm 20, my boyfriend is 23 and we found out last night im a few weeks pregnant. We were both very shocked and scared. He kept asking me what i wanted to do and what i was thinking but i was in shock so much that i just couldnt think straight.

We have been together almost 2 years, we dont live together because we couldnt afford to as he has a loan that takes away £300 of his wages each month which is a lot of money not to have. We're both working but last week i got told that due to the credit crunch i might not be getting my full 40hours pay at work till it gets busy in September. So obviously finances are very tight and my boyfriend doesnt think we should go through with the pregnancy because we cant afford and he doesnt think we'll cope. I also think he's scared of our parents and i dont think he feels like he's ready to be a dad. So he thinks i should have an abortion.

He's been through this 4 years ago with his ex, they werent in a very good relationship and she had an abortion so part of me thinks he just wants me to have an abortion because its easier and nobody ever has to know, he knows what to expect where as i dont. But all i keep thinking is what happens if something goes wrong, i think i'll probably regret it and i think it will drive a wedge between us.

I think keeping the baby would also drive us apart because i'd know it was something he didnt want to do and he might hate me for 'ruining his life' kind of thing. He's told me he'll support me whatever i do and its my decision but i dont think i could go through with an abortion but i dont think i could have a baby if my boyfriend wasnt happy with it.

Im extremely upset, confused and dont know what i should do.....

3 months later....

On the 24th June this year i went to the abortion clinic and i took the first tablet for the start of my medical abortion. I could hear my head screaming saying i dont want to do this but then i just blocked it out and swallowed. I didnt feel anything different but cried on the way home.

That night i got up at 2am to go to the toilet and i bled pints of blood within 5 minutes, they never said this would happen, they just said after the first tablets i might feel a little queezy or have little stomach pains but its unusual. I rang the helpline and a guy answered, i think he was just a receptionist and told me to ring the nurse that was on duty. She wasnt much help either and told me if it got worse or continued for another hour then to go A&E. She even said are you sure it was that much??

1 days later i went back to the clinic and took the second lot of tablets. You sit in a room with some other girls, younger and older and thats all you do, just sit there. I didnt cry, neither did any of the others, one was in quite a bit of pain. I didnt feel anything though, no sickness or abdominal pains at all. I went home, slept for a few hours and was fine, still hadn't cried.

3 days after that i woke up feeling sick, i was in agony and i could hardly move. My mum was extremely worried and she took me the doctors surgery, it was packed but they couldn't get me in any sooner, even thou no one in there was as bad as me. I was struggling to breathe with the pain i was in, as i'm presuming it was like contractions. The pain was constant agony and every few minutes it would escalate, i felt like screaming everytime and was begging my mum to ring 999. I have never been in so much pain in my life and the only thing the doctor could do was prescribe me cocodamol tablets which helped greatly. The doctor was really great with me unlike the nurses at the abortion clinic.

For the next few weeks i cried alot and even 3 months later the slightest thing can set me off and i cry most days, not nessercarily babies but pregnant women, prams and Childrens toys. The most horrible feeling of all is not having the feeling that theres something inside you, it was a comfort before to touch my tummy and now i feel empty. I had a month off work and hardly left the house. And since then i went through a mad spend buying myself everything i wanted including a holiday which wasnt a good idea when i had no money to begin with.

I've only confided in a few ppl and after the first week, no body talks about my abortion and alot of ppl actually avoided me because they obviously didnt know what to say. I dont even talk to my mum or boyfriend about it. My boyfriend doesnt bring it up at all, which hurts because if i could i would have had that baby and i'd be so happy right now but i do think even thou i'll regret it for rest of my life, i'll always feel guilty about what i did, i still however think i did the right thing. But now i feel like a mother without a baby, and its now more than ever something i want. Its given me the determination to get my life sorted and i've started a college course to be a teaching assistant, me and my boyfriend have got a plan that we're sticking to, to buy a house by June next year, and as soon as we've got our house sorted we think that will be the time to start our family.

The best thing i've read so far which has really helped me is someone wrote "I feel that neither I nor the father could have loved that child as much as God can and I know that my innocent child is in heaven"

This was the worst experience of my life.
I hope my story helps someone!

Please please please do what you want...

You will end up resenting him and that will tear you both apart anyway. Your mum may be shocked at first, even angry as she probably thought you would want to do more with your life before settling down with a boyfriend and baby. She may even worry about being a grandma so early!!! But i am sure given time, she loves you and will want to support you. Your boyf is a coward cos he doesn't want your mum to feel any bad feelings towards him for pressurizing you into a decision you don't want to make. Yes, you may well be tied to him anyway because he will have to financially support his child. BUT he may come to terms with the idea, it will make you both grow up fast but it could be such an exciting and rewarding time. Some people knoew right from the start they will have an abortion and that is fine, but you are having doubts. Don't do something you may regret. Have you considered adoption? Yes it would be hard but you have longer to make the decision.
Whilst you need to take your time to consider everything, the quicker you make the decision (to terminate, if that is what YOU REALLY WANT) the less traumatic it will be.
IT IS YOUR DECISION!!!!!!

Lots of love at this time, please let me know how you get on, i will be thinking of you and am certainly not here to judge you either way.. GOOD LUCK xx

Have you considered showing him these messages? It may show him how desperate you are feeling, perhaps he could see things from another opint of view and see how unfair he is being. Of course I respect the fact he prob has dreams he wants to follow and things he wants to do in the near future, but he needs to take responsibility for his actions. It is you who has the emotions and the phyisical consequences.

Emily. xx

1 week later...............

At first i thought abortion was the right thing to do because of money, i dont feel ready for a child and the fact my boyfriend didnt think we were ready. But then i started to read people experiences and it sounds like i'd be putting myself through hell, just because im scared.

I have tried convincing my boyfriend that keep the baby would be the best decision, its apart of both of us and we'll be so happy. The replies i have got were shocking, i though he'd support me whatever but he's bassically said he'd leave me if i didnt go through with the abortion, that i'd be trapping him into something he would want. He even said well what would be the point of leaving me, he'd still have to pay for it.

When we first found out he was a little distant and then he seemed motivated, we went to see a rented house, we really liked it and for the next two days we brought loads of furniture, including a tumble dryer, plates, iron and a kettle. It was if we were really happy. He made comments like i hate seeing you ill because theres nothing i can do and then he said he see's me as 2 people now. We had an amazing 2 days, then he went to see his mother, he only told her about renting this house. She was really horrible about it, as if we were idiots, making comments like, how can we afford it, have we even throught about bills? She never once said anything nice, like his dad did. His dad said if you struggle we'll always help you out, and that he'd always got a home there. But then my boyfriend turned, he didnt want us to get a rented house because his mum said if was a waste of money, he wanted us to save and get a hosue of our own. Yeh we could save, but we'd never be able save £15,000 in next couple of years!! I told him i didnt want to be at home if i was going to go through with the abortion and he said we can book a holiday??? I told him that after reading stories, that theres no way i'd be able to go on holiday. I told him to grow up, sort his life out and think about me for a change, it'd be me going through all of this not him. It''ll be me that takes the tablets, has the pain and then has to pass our 6-8week baby after just terminating.

He does say nice things, like when we're ready it'll be amazing but i feel like he wants the abortion, i'm still not sure what i want but have to do what he says. If i could do anything i just wouldnt be pregnant, i dont want the abortion but im not sure i could cope with a baby. My boyfriend doesnt want me to tell my mum because he says she wont be the same with him anymore, but i'm going to need her support no matter what. I wont be able to just go home and act like nothings happened.

Shocking

Wow Angelfacey, you are right that his answers are shocking. It sounds like hes going back and forth between emotions, and maybe he is really just chicken because of the big news and will soon come to his senses. But as of this moment, you are right, he is mostly thinking of himself. On the subject of telling your mum, what hes most concerned with is what she will think of him? Come on! And about another thing you said in the last paragraph ... nope, you do NOT have to do what he says! This affects both of you and both your families, but most of all it affects you and your baby. Go with your gut feeling, no matter what. You sound like a smart and strong young woman who can cope with whatever life offers you. Wish you all the best and hope to hear from you soon. Good luck

1 week later....

Hi Angelfacey

It sounds good that you have made a lot of progress with your chap during this week. Wow, found a place to live and bought furniture for it.

Don't worry about the money, there is always sufficient.

I think the reason that his mother is being that way if because she may have had an abortion in the past and has not been able to get any help with her grieving, therefore she is acting this way. It is fear.

It is very difficult for people of your age because so many of the men and women of my age had abortions and then did not tell people about the effects on our health and mental well being.


You are being strong for your baby, that is great angelfacey.

Is there a reason you can't tell your mum about this baby?

Hope to hear from you soon.
Casey

Tell your mom straight away

Hi angelfacey,

Your boyfriend is just so scared, and his mum tipped the balance for him and made him just want to escape.

I am a bit worried about you because you sound like you are giving into his pressure. He is being a chicken right now, and the fact that he could sweep it under the carpet last time makes this option look all the easier for him this time also. The thing with sweeping problems under the carpet is that they have a habit of crawling out again in the worst possible way.

You are already attached to this little life, so aborting your child would break your heart in the most awful way. You are 20, you will bounce back from what ever trouble a new baby will bring you (of course a new baby will also bring you lots and lots of joy), but bouncing back from the other kind of heartache if you choose abortion for your child is a different story.

His wanting to pressure you to abort your child is a big problem, and it is one that should be shared with your respective parents. His dad sounds like a reasonable kind of person, his mum sounds very controlling, but then again she did not have the whole picture, and maybe she is scared of him moving out, who knows what is going on in her head??? (is he by any chance an only child or the youngest or the only one left in the house?)

Try to take him to a scan, let him hear the heart beat, there is still plenty of time to make a decision. There is lots of hope that he will grow up and accept his responsibilities, but in the meantime you need to be able to rely on someone else for your support, and your mom could be a great choice, but only if she can support your heart's decision to keep your baby.

I wish you lots of courage for the road ahead,
big hugs
Siobhan

"my boyfriend dosent want it..."

Hi angelfacey

It is too early to make the decision. You need to find out things about the effect of having a baby and the effects of terminating this pregnancy.

You need to spend a bit of time thinking about yourself and your own feelings in this crisis. I wonder if you feel excited and fearful, all at the same time. Every pregnancy is a crisis, you have to make time to allow yourself to accept the changes the pregnancy is bring to your lives.

Once you are into the 4th month you will be feeling a whole lot clearer and people will begin to congratulate you. Your skin will look good and your hair luxuious. Your man will support you more if you are clear that you expect him to support you. The bigger you get the more protective he will become. When the baby comes he will be very proud.

The money issues can be sorted out by being creative and the research shows that men become bigger earners when they become fathers, it propels them into the adult world and they enjoy this immencely. Obviously they are fearful to start off and need a bit of tender encouragement to proceed.

Listen to your gut feeling, the life within you is propelling you to live more deeply.

My experience

Hi there,

I'm a guy and have been in a very similar situation to your boyfriend. We too had been together for years and I didn't deal with the situation very well. I put a lot of 'gentle' emotional pressure on my girlfriend to abort. I said things like, 'I want babies too, but now's definately not the right time' and 'if we want to achieve the things that we've planned together, then we have no choice but to abort' etc. But I don't think guy's generally deal with unplanned pregnancies very well. At the time, I was scared and panicky and felt that there was no way I could be a Dad.

Thankfully, my girlfriend didn't listen to me and right at the last minute, threw the tablets away. At the time, I didn't know what to do, but as time went by I became more and more pleased that she didn't listen to me, right up to the point where I'm eternally grateful that she didn't.

What you need to remember, is that guys think and feel a lot differently towards babies than girls do. For one, we don't have any of the hormones and maternal instinct that women do and therefore find it easier to go down the abortion road. But having said that, if she did listen to me and did get the abortion, I would have felt terrible regret and guilt at what I'd forced her into doing.

For guys, abortion is the easy way out, but for girls it can become a life sentence of guilt and regret. I've heard from women that had abortions over 20 years ago and still get reduced to tears when they think about what they did. You risk spending the rest of your life wondering 'what if' - this would have been her first Christmas, first day at school, birthdays etc.

Todays media often describes your un born baby as a 'bunch of cells' and as a result make it seem very normal to abort. It's almost marketed as something similar to getting a mole or birth mark removed. But you never hear of women being reduced to tears because they got a birth mark removed twenty years ago and the reason is that only the loss of a human being - your baby can make you feel that kind of regret.

The point that I missed back when I was in your boyfriends shoes was exactly that. I simply thought of the baby as a nuisance, something in the way of my plans. I never thought of it as my son or daughter that I would watch grow up and share my life with.

You're right in saying that if you get an abortion, you risk resenting him for it - this happens a lot.

If you keep your baby, it's very unlikely that he'll hate you for ruining his life. He might be angry at first but there's a very good chance that he'll gradually get used to the idea and eventually be excited at becoming a dad. Even if he doesn't throughout the pregnancy, be patient and when he holds his son or daughter in his arms for the first time, he'll probably change his mind.

I truly hope everything works out for you all.

All the best,

Ben

You have to do what's right for you.

Almost exactly a month ago I was in your same position, and I know how incredibly hard it can be. Also, 14 years ago, I chose to HAVE my son who was the result of an unwanted pregnancy...so perhaps I've been on BOTH sides of this coin. Anyway, there are a couple of pieces of advice I wanted to offer you, in the event that they might help you. First, you have to make this decision for you and ONLY you because, I know how I feel and felt emotionally has been incredibly hard for me since my abortion, I have questioned and re-questioned it 1000 times in my head, and believe me when I tell you I am 150% sure I did the right thing for me and my life and the lives of my kids. I can only imagine the regret I would have if I had done this for someone else's reasons and not mine, know what I mean?

My boyfriend at the time promised to support me through an abortion, but was unwilling to support me if I had the child. I can tell you that his adament behavior drove a wedge between us, and he ended up leaving either way. This is just my opinion from my experience, but anyone who won't support no matter what decision your decision, won't support you WHATEVER decision you make. That's why you have to be sure YOU can support whatever decision you make, because you can't and shouldn't count on him to be there for you. If what you want in your heart of hearts is to keep this baby, then you HAVE to keep this baby (and vice versa); you will regret it later and you can't ever undo EITHER choice..you are the only person that you will have to live with for the rest of your life, and this choice has to be yours.

The last thing I wanted to share is that I know from my own experience, having a son at 21 that money has a funny way of working itself out in life, and I couldn't have imagined when I found out I was pregnant that my son would be so blessed and have had such a wonderful life 14 years later. I have always been able to support him, and support him well. You will be amazed what can happen in 9 months, 9 years and beyond...so money shouldn't be the only consideration (again, just my opinion).

Either way, I just want to wish the very best in whatever decision you make. I know how incredibly impossible this decision seems right now, and how heart breaking it is. If I can offer you any help or support, please just ask. There are some wonderful, wise women on here who sincerely helped me make the right decision for me and my family (without even knowing that they had!). I hope you find that same help here.

What do you want?

Hi angelfacey (good name!) Well the title of your post is My boyfriend doesnt want it. What do YOU want? You never quite mentioned that, though you did say at one point that you couldnt go through with an abortion. If your gut feeling is that terminating isnt the right thing, then you ought to take that feeling seriously. You are faced with a lot of challenges right now, especially the financial stuff which is affecting everybody right now. But you did mention that things with your job are going to get better in September. Anyhow like jnemom said, the money stuff does have a way of working out. My mum got pregnant with me at 20, dad left and our family had very little money, but we made it and you can too!

Also its natural for both parents to be scared when you first get the news, but are you sure is he sure he wont be happy with the baby? He might feel like the first time he had the abortion, it was an easy solution, but people women AND men, can be especially affected by abortion after being involved in it multiple times. Even if they don't think they will be affected. Can both of you truly totally live with the decision to terminate? Its a very big decision and it cant be undone. Keep us posted on how its going and what your thoughts are. Wish you, your partner (and your baby ) all the best!