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Had an abortion at 17 - now i'm 27.... the things that haunt me...

 

Hello there

This is my first post here. I'm not really sure what I'm after - advice, support, reassurance, maybe just for someone to read my story... I know I don't need any preaching from the pro-lifers - no offence, but that's definitely not why I'm here!

When I was 17 I was seeing a lad who I thought the world of. I was taking the pill but unfortunately I fell pregnant. Lad decides he wants nothing more to do with me. I had just dropped out of colllege, had just started working at a call centre, didn't really have much money, was living with my parents - I seemed to be mirroring my mother's life as she fell pregnant with me at 17 and then went on to have another baby with my dad and another baby with another man, who she ended up marrying and who abused me and my brother (until I was 14 and punched him back one day!)

I've always hoped to be a mother one day but because I didn't have the best of childhoods, I always hoped I would be in a stable relationship and able to provide financially and emotionally for a child. At 17 I had none of these. So I made the difficult choice to have an abortion. I had my abortion on Christmas Eve - I was approx. 13 weeks pregnant. It was a surgical abortion, it was over and done with in about 15 minutes. I had to stay in the hospital for a few hours, tried to eat a sandwich, threw it up over the nurse. I was desperate to leave as my parents thought I was working that day and were expecting me home soon, so dosed up on painkillers and stocked up with massive sanitary towels, off I went.

I experienced a lot of bleeding for about 3 weeks afterwards but I was expecting it. It wasn't as painful as I thought, just like period pains. I passed a lot of clotty looking stuff. One day, I looked down on the pad and I swear I saw the fetus. It looked just like the pictures in the textbooks at school. I was totally freaked out but also mesmerised - was this my baby? I rinsed it under the tap to get rid of the blood and looked again, to this day I swear it was a fetus. Does this mean that when I had the abortion they didn't do it properly? Or could it mean there were 2 fetuses and that they removed one without realising there was anotherr? I would really like to know what people think about this as, while I absolutely do not regret having an abortion, this image does still haunt me 10 years later.....

I would also like to say again that I don't regret having the abortion - I wanted my child to have a better life than me and my brother, so I'm sure I made the right decision. In this situation you really have to follow your instincts and not take pressure from anyone else. Several years later, I bumped into the lad who told me I had killed his child etc etc. But at the time he wanted me to have an abortion also! i guess it's not only the women who have doubts and regrets - but it's the woman who will have to live with the decision - he walked away! - so if you ever find yourself pregnant and not sure what to do, make sure you make the right decision for YOU.


 

How sad

That we make life so hard for one another to the point of having to do away with our children. I have learn't that a lot of abortion is due to difficult childhood issues. I wonder if your mum had an abortion at sometime?

Sillysilver it seems to me that you need to grieve for both of the babes, the one that was aborted and the other that you saw, they seem to be two distinct beings.

With concern for you
Casey

 

Famous story

Hi
I used to know of a lady who this happened to: She had an unplanned pregnancy and had an abortion, a few weeks later she was pregnant again, she was very shocked to find that the pregnancy was very advanced and too late to have an abortion, she had the baby and it was indeed the twin of the aborted infant. I found it very hard to believe but now you are saying the same thing, so it seems that is possible.
Casey

 

Thanks

by:sillysilver

Thank you for reading and replying Casey x

 

Hi there hunni,

by:abbie111

I think a 13 week baby is about 13 cm long, so it prob is what you saw. As for the whole getting over it think, when your happy in your mind about the decision you made you will come to terms with it. You have to grieve for the loss of your baby even tho it was your decision to end the pregnancy. You must have been in a reaaly dark place at the time. But i wish you well for the future xx

 

Thanks abbie

by:sillysilver

Hey Abbie, thank you for your message. Yes I was in a very dark place, and it was a very difficult event to deal with - sometimes it still is hard and I doubt I will ever truly get over it (so to speak..) but it gets easier with time xx

 

Hi

by:irishlas

I read your story and you've been thru a lot. You should speak to someone about what happened to you even if its just to get it off your chest.

You made the right decision at the time, hopefully one day you will meet Mr right and have the perfect relationship and give your kids everything you wish for.

take care
jen xx

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