Do i tell my girlfriend's parents she is going to abortion clinic wednesday?!?

Hi there,

I have been taking the drastic steps of searching the internet for advice because my girlfriend does not want either of our families to know that she is 4 weeks pregnant. She is worried what people will think of her having an abortion. She is 25 and I am 27. We both have good jobs and have been dating for nearly a year.

Here are some facts that I hope will paint a full, if not complicated, picture:

- I am a successful, popular person, usually full of confidence...but I came down with a mental illness for the first 6 months of our relationship. This meant that my girlfriend has had a pretty miserable year, and it is only now that she is starting to trust me that I have beaten the illness and am showing my commitment by attending regular therapy until I know that it is completely in the past. Therefore, part of my girlfriend's reason for abortion is logically because she is not 100% sure if she can trust that the illness will not come back...and of course this is a Catch 22 situation...I know it will not come back because it has ruined my life for too long, and my therapist has ensured me it is 100% curable if I maintain my commitment. The 2nd part to this is that we haven't really had long enough to have a 'normal' relationship where we have had time to relax and have fun without these past issues. My girlfriend now tells me that she loves me, but also hates me at times because of what's happened.
- Next thing is that my illness made me exhibit weird behaviour in front of her parents and sister in the past. They now know that we are seeing each other again (after a very short break), but they do not know that we are essentially living together and her mum thinks I am 'not normal' - very understandably, because I wasn't!! Thus, all I want to do is visit her parents and apologise, be very open that I had to face my problems and tell them that I love their daughter and ask them for time for me to prove it.
- My girlfriend has admitted that if it wasn't for my past illness, then she would probably be thinking more seriously about this and potentially even talk to her parents.
- She sometimes lays with me on the bed and likes me to put my hand on her stomach, letting me tell her how much I will be committed to being a father and providing financial and emotional security. I am prepared to also work from home in the future if she feels that she would be happier working. She calls me soppy and seems to 'want to have the baby' but then regains her composure and confirms that we're not having it.
- My girlfriend tells me that her mum does not believe in abortion.
I also know that we had unprotected sex for about 5 months, and so I feel that my girlfriend should have been prepared for the outcome. I would take responsibility but I am unsure whether my girlfriend also subconsciously wanted a baby or whether she was relying on abortion if she fell pregnant. This sounds irresponsible now of course, so I feel stupid being so honest.


...this leads on to my dilemma!!! My girlfriend is adamant that she wants an abortion and we are both going to the clinic on Wednesday...she says that she will have no regrets because she does not want a child and this is how she feels right now...yet she does admit that she may be depressed in the future, and will have to face that situation then. I really care about her...and even though it 'makes sense' to have an abortion so that we can build a stable, strong, fun relationship before we 'plan' children...I really can't stand the thought of terminating a baby! I so badly want to support her decision but my instincts tell me that she should be talking to her family and my therapist also tells me that she believes that my girlfriend is in denial. I feel that she has convinced herself to have an abortion, and does not want to talk it through with her friends / family because she doesn't want them to change her mind or pressure her in to keeping the baby. Yet how can she make a serious decision if she doesn't listen to the advice of her parents - I therefore feel responsible for being the reason that she can't talk to her parents and I worry about the long lasting effect of her hiding this from them. If they ever find out, then I feel that they will be disappointed with not being included, and I no longer want to cause a divide in her family.

I have written too much and so I shall stop here...I am obviously confused because I know it's my girlfriend's right whether she wants to tell people or not, but I am not sure it's the best thing for her long-term, mentally for herself or in terms of her relationship with her family. She admits that she has a problem with confrontation and prefers silence to awkwardness...where I believe that family and friends are there for support, even if they disagree with her decision. Her family in particular are supposed to provide unconditional love, which she may need after any procedure, by which point she wouldn't be able to tell them if she hides it also.

Thanks for reading and I really would appreciate any quick responses here

Paul

Don't tell her mum, but do discuss with your gf more!

Unfortunately, it really isn't your place to tell her mum, but I'd strongly recommend advising her to do so. Keeping it a secret from her folks is just going to leave her imagining the worst reactions they could give, whereas actually talking to them and being honest about her feelings for you could help prompt a fresh start.

Whatever your mental illness was/is it doesn't make you abnormal, it happens to what, 1 in 4 people at some point in their lives?

Perhaps you could suggest that you talk to her parents together. Suggest going through with the pregnancy, and if you find you aren't ready to be parents, their are loads of loving parents out their who just can't make their own babies, but would take yours in.

I don't object to abortion on any religious grounds or anything, and would definitely describe myself as pro choice, but it is a choice that at the end of the day, she's going to have to carry with her forever. I made that choice myself in May and have been regretting it ever since, and will regret it for the rest of my life.

If she's only 4 weeks in, maybe you could suggest just taking a bit longer to talk about it? She shouldn't be holding back on thinking about it or talking to her folks because you were ill, as there's every chance she could be ill if she goes through with it - trust me

Hope it all works out for the best either way
Big hug

Its a bad time.

Hi Paul,

I can totally sympathise with ur position, fear and frustration. I went thro a similar situation a few months back when my girl friend had a termination that I was against. She felt like she was in a pressure cooker with no way out and I felt powerless to protect my child. I considered some very dark options in my despair, including some down right underhand methods to try prevent what eventually happened. My girl friend was very up and down about the pregnancy before hand and now regrets deeply what she did. We had and still have very painful days but I am happy to say we are still together and have strangely found a deeper understanding of each other and our selves. Tough lesson tho.

My advice to you is talk long and hard with ur girl friend. Dont rush this decision as it will have long reaching consequences to both of you. If ur girl friend in not sure or is feeling the pressure then get her to read these forums or speak to a proffessional. Dont make this choice based on how you think it will effect others around you, like her or your parents. Talk to your parents and get ur own support network ready as you will need it regardless of the outcome.

Having this baby will not guarantee you will both stay together, nor will a termination mean the end of it. Dont look at it as some sort of life line to hang on to your relationship. Any parent or partner can fall ill at any time so there are no guarantees on health only best efforts.

I am afriad the final word, wrongly or rightly as I have learned the hard way, lies with your girlfriend and you are powerless to force the situation one way or another. All you can do is talk, talk and talk some more and ultimately do what ever you think is the right way to resolve the situation.

Good luck to both of you in these very dark days and I hope you find a way to resolve this is a manor that you both agree with.

Please dont tell her parents

At the end of the day theyre her parents, if she wants to tell them she will in her own time.
My ex tried to tell my parents before i had the abortion and i hated him for it, i didnt want to be bullied into anything i didnt want to.
Just think how horrible it would be to be told about your daughters abortion by someone else.

And to who ever said she "wasnt proud" to have an abortion, thats just stupid, no ones proud to have an abortion, its just something some of us feel like we have to do

Anyway, i hope you two will be ok, or as ok as you can be in this kinda situation.
xxx

Ask her to wait...

you will have time to speak with her, and may be with her parents...
Ml

Time

Hi Paul,

It really sounds like your girlfriend is not sure about this decision, even though she sometimes says she is, because then she turns round and acts like she isnt sure. If shes only 4 weeks along, you must have just recently found out, so I would suggest not rushing into anything. You both know this is a serious decision that will affect the rest of your life, so its really best that you take your time. Without knowing more about the situation and the family dynamics, its hard to say whether to tell her mum and family. The key is to proceed with caution. If you want advice I would say cancel the appointment, you can always go back later. Make sure you share all your feelings with each other; does she know that you are against the termination? In one way its her decision as the woman, but you absolutely have a right to have input into the decision too. You may want to have a look at pregnancy.org.uk unbiased counseling by phone, online or in person. Good luck and let us know how you get on. Peace!

I'm still thinking about your dilemma

Hi Paul
Maybe you could tell your mum. Listen to what she has to say.
Casey

Tell her mum

Hi Paul
Yes tell her mum.
Casey