So torn, please help - long sorry!

i am 30yrs old, i have 3 children 9 7 and 3. My eldest 2 are from my ex husband who has nothing to do with them and my baby's daddy died nearly 2yrs ago. My eldest 2 r both in counselling for traumatic childhoods (domestic violence and bereavement) and my son 7 is struggling at school and is a very angry young man. My eldest daughter suffers from low self esteem and struggles socially. I have met a wonderful gentle man who worships us all and is dying for the chance to be more involved with us as a family. I have recently found out i am 8wks pregnant with his twins. My first reaction is to abort as i think i will be looked upon as being totally irresponsible for bringing more children into this situation. But I dont know if i can go thro with the procedure which is booked for next wed. I'm scared to death of tellin my mother and am worried about making my childrens lives worse. Please any advice??

I think I totally jinxed it.
After all that grief and trauma and heartache. Got so excited. Told everyone I could think of.
Then I started bleeding last night and lost the twins 2day.
Think I wanna be referred for sterilisation. This is my 2nd miscarriage and I don't ever wanna go thro this again.

My partner is distraught but cos we don't live 2gether I had to tell him over the phone. Still not seen him.
And to be honest, I can't bear the thought of him near me. Gotta cope with my own grief, can't carry his too.
Is that selfish???

So sorry

My dear I am so sorry to hear this sad news of your twins. Take your time and allow yourself space to think and weep for them, hold each of them in your heart and give them a name each. Think about the life they would have had, grieve the loss of that life and your part in it. Write it down in your special thoughts and feelings book. Come back and let me know how you are doing. Not selfish, just doing what you can to survive. You will come through this, and build bridges again with the father of your twins when the time is ok for you.
May God give his special care to you
Casey

sorry

Anon, so so sorry to hear about this. First off, you didn't jinx anything so don't blame yourself. Tragic things happen in life and sometimes we never know why. Not sure what to say about you\r partner. You aren't selfish, you're just going thru a terrible time and it's hard to think rationally. He sounds like a great guy and since you are both grieving, you might be able to support each other and build an even stronger relationship by going thru this together. But maybe you do need a few more days to get your own head together before you see him in person. Just be straightforward with him, make sure he knows how you feel and that the problem isn't him, it's just that your own grief has you so confused that you need your own time and space. Keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on. Time will heal. Peace.

Congratulations!

Oh that is is wonderful news. Thanks for letting us know and do keep in touch. This is a new beginning and things are going to get so much better from here. All the best to you and your family!!!

That is wonderful, Good luck with your journey xoxox

Great

Hi to a great mum
I am so glad for you and your family. Maybe you can keep us in the picture as and when you want to.
All the best
Casey

Thank you all

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and your support. I had a huge heart to heart with my counsellor and I spoke to the kids counsellor too. She said that it cud be a very positive thing for the children to have a decent father figure and it could show them that there can be happy endings in life. So between them and you I feel strong enough to cancel my appointment and keep my babies! Having made this decision I am feeling so much more positive. Yes it's gonna be bloody hard work and things will be difficult but for me it is the best decision. So a massive massive thank you to everyone who replied. I wish you all the best for your futures xxxxxxxx

Hello anon

Hi there, sorry to hear about the rough times you have had the past few years, but very impressed with you for surviving through it all. Casey makes some very good points ... you should be very proud of yourself and you also should not be concerned with what others think. One question, you said you are reluctant to tell your mother. Would you try to keep it secret from her forever if you had the termination? Thats a terrible thing to keep inside and could really add to any regret you would feel. Would you ever tell your children what happened? Knowing that you had a termination could really add to their trauma and grief, and though every situation is different, many mothers who have abortions transfer their regret and pain over to their relationships with their older children and become hostile toward the kids.

A good source of counseling and info is www.pregnancy.org.uk they have a lot of reading material and stuff online, plus chat, phone and in-person counseling.

Also check out this fetal development video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoisqOGQIVE just to help you make a fully informed choice.

You have a great support system with the father of your twins I think you can really do this. Let us know how you get on. Peace!

More grief

Hi. What you describe is difficult, and yet there is so much hope too: It sounds as if the twins father would be supportive of you. Your children are having a difficult time at the moment because all counseling is difficult, the idea is to help you to face what has happened in order that you can make some adjustments and carry on into your future; for your son and daughter this will involve coming to terms with their past and hopefully learning good skills to cope with the future.
Do not concern yourself with the thoughts that others are thinking of you, in my experience people are too busy with their own issues to worry about you.
Encourage yourself, you are the the mother of these children, you can help them to accept the arrival of their new siblings, be proud, you are amazing! You have already come though so much, the twins are the icing on the cake.
My friend advises women to lean to the man in these situations and not lean towards your mother who will probably take over or scare you man off.
Let me know how you go on.
Casey

Hug

Yes your situation is very difficult and my heart goes out to you. All I can say is don't rush into anything too quickly, tell your mother she can help you.
Try to look a bit ahead. You say you don't know if you could go through with it? I am not sure if I was in your situation I could either, maybe I could maybe not, but then you have alot on your plate with the other children. On the plus side you do have a loving partner, how long have you known him? Would he stand by you through this?

I just depserately don't want you to do it and regret it for the rest of your life. We are all different and its what you feel YOU can cope with. If keeping them would tip your life over the edge I don't know if its wise to carry on with the preganancy.

I really think you need to tell all involved (and your mum!) get some help to make sure you end up doing the right thing. I had a termination recently and it was right for me it may not be for you. Seek help don't go it alone. Keep in touch and email me if you need to!

Good luck hun xoxox