Abortion damaging relationship.

I was only with my boyfriend for two months when I found out that I was pregnant, and one month later, being 16, I had a medical abortion. We are so in love, and have been since before I got pregnant, but lately (it has been 1 month since the abortion) I've been feeling terrible.

He was amazing during the pregnancy, and told me he would stand by me no matter what my decision was. He looked after me while I was ill during the pregnancy and the abortion, sometimes staying up with me all night to help me cope with my contractions, and helped me deal with some pretty unpleasant stuff, but although the experience has brought us closer together in some respects it has starting putting a terrible strain on our relationship.

Things became a lot more serious after we found out I was pregnant, and I so wish we could go back to the lighthearted and blissfully happy couple we were before. Our relationship was absolutely perfect, and we saw each other as absolutely perfect. Since the abortion, however, I've been feeling so unattractive. I've been feeling ugly and boring and burdensome, although he's done nothing to provoke this. He constantly tells me I'm beautiful and amazing and perfect, but it doesn't seem to be enough because I can't see it.

Last week he tried to end the relationship completely out of the blue, and it was an agonising experience. He couldn't handle the strain of everything that had happened, and he felt that I was being possesive and clingy, I'd tried so hard not to be, but I said things like "I want to be with you forever" and "I don't know what I'd do without you" because I wanted to express how much I loved him. He was actually crying because he said he didn't want to end it but he felt that he had to because he felt trapped. I felt like I was dying inside. After a couple of hours he called me and said he was so sorry and he didn't know what had come over him, and I was so happy that I hadn't lost him.

Now he wants me to carry on saying the things I had said before, but saying things like "I want to be with you forever" and sometimes even "I love you" makes me feel physically sick because of the trauma of what has happened. I'm terrified of losing him because I know what it feels like now, but I know that expressing this fear would make him feel trapped again and I desparately don't want that to happen.

I feel miserable all the time now because I feel like the abortion has damaged us in a way that cannot be repaired, and that it has destroyed the blissful and crucial early stages of our relationship. We really have something amazing, and I feel like I've wrecked it, and I'm wrecking it still with my constant insecurities and my bouts of depression. I will do anything to stop myself from being a burden and to repair our relationship. He's perfect, he means the world to me and I want to spend my life with him. If I've missed that opportunity because of some faulty contraception then I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself.

What can I do?

Thankyou for reading.
xLollyx

Love will win

Hi Lolly,

Have you sought any counselling ? Sounds like you need it. I had an abortion on Aug17th, nearly 2 months ago and Im still in the same roller coaster you are and feel it has put a big black cloud on my relationship too. I feel Insecure, depressed, low self esteem and generally feeling very bad about myself and what I did. I too feel the same about wrecking something that was good as my relationship is a mess too. I do the opposite though, I push him away as I feel I dont deserve him and Ive treated him so badly by what I did rather than be clingy.

You need to talk to your boyfriend and explain that he will have to be patient with you whilst you slowly mend. Dont forget he is probably in pain about it too so he will need comforting at times. You have to be there for each other and give and take. It will be hard but time is a good healer and if you get through this you can get through anything that life throws at you.

You dont have to say things like 'I want to be with you forever', Just be loving and caring with hugs and kisses and tell him you love him when you feel the need.

You are young and dealing with something like this is hard even at my age (nearly 20 years older than you!) so give yourself a break, your not a burden and are doing good by talking on here. You will get through it if you keep talking through the pain and problems with your boyfriend and with some counselling.

I hope you get back to the lighthearted bliss soon too and i'm sure you will as I always believe that love wins in the end, no matter what is thrown at it.

x

Thanks.

Thankyou for reading and replying. I never really wanted to seek any councelling because that would mean admitting to myself that I had a problem, which I'm not very good at. Also I'm a very objective person, and I feel like this sort of thing shouldn't bother me, and the fact that it is bothering me is almost as distressing as the rest of it.

Things have cleared up for the moment, and things between me and my boyfriend are really good, although I go through moments of feeling quite sad, but he's incredibly supportive when I do. I've decided, however that if I go through another phase of major depression I will seek councelling, as I'm not a depressive person and I don't want to become one.

I don't think things will ever be quite as lighthearted as they were, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing, as we are now a lot closer than we were, and although we didn't want to become this serious so soon, we love each other a lot more too. I'm going to try and focus on the positives of what has happened rather than regretting it.

The only problem now is that I'm extremely paranoid about getting pregnant again. I'm on the pill atm, so it really shouldn't happen, but the fear of it haunts me all the time. If it did happen again, I might seriously consider keeping it as I'm not sure if I could go through another abortion. Either way, I would leave home until I had had an abortion or I would move out altogether and find a flat with my boyfriend if I decided to keep it. My biggest fear is that this would destroy his future, as he wants to be a doctor, and this would put his whole life on hold. I want to be a psychologist, but I'm not as concerned for my own future, as it would be my decision at the end of the day. I'm going to the fpc to get my next lot of pills soon, and I think I'll ask them to scan me to see if I'm pregnant, just so I can stop worrying for a while. I've been insanely hungry all the time lately, and it's things like that that scare me. I'm also worried that worrying about getting pregnant will cause a phantom pregnancy, which I could also do without.

I hope that things get better for you and your partner too. I do believe that love wins, and I'll so anything to make sure that it does.

Thankyou very much for your advice.

xLollyx