please dont read this if you are a sensitive person.

I'm 19 and pregnant. i think im probably about 9- 10 weeks at the most. I have been throwing up all day everyday.
i live with my partner and have done for 2 years.
I really feel like i would never be able to be a mother.
Most people would argue that its what i am on earth to do, reproduce.
But i really cannot have a child. Since the age of 11 i've been struggling with my mental health, and i could not imagine anything or anyone other than me seeing or touching me. there are reasons why i feel like this. and im scared. im scared because i know for most women giving birth would be the most joyfull thing. But for me i think would really do me some damage mentally. I need to be looked after and supported. but having a child is a reverse role and i would not be able to do this. i feel like a wierdo or a freak because i feel like this, because ofcourse i know its the most natural thing in the world.
To anyone who would argue with me that it is wrong to think about abortion, i have watched the most horrific videos you could imagine, i have seen an abortion, i know what it envolves. and i dont want to feel vulnrable, and open in such a way. with a doctor shoving metal instruments inside me and sucking and ripping apart the life ive created. im really really worried.

the videos and information have not changed my mind about keeping the baby, only made it harder for me and more scary because i know what happens. it makes me feel selfish, and not human to think this way even after watching something so terrible. But my reasons for abortion are because i, as a human being with strong emotional difficulties would not be able to cope.

i just need i think to hear what people think about what i have said. it would be of great help.
if youve taken the time to read this, thank you, and i appologise if it has caused any upset or anger to anyone. but i just need some advice support and help and this is the place i chose to get it.

x

A gift from me to you xxx

Hi there hun,
I began writing the beginning of a sketch this morning which I was going to use as a blueprint for a cartoon / story which I might wite at some point in the future. But after reading your post, I think I'll let you have it to read. Take cre, and I hope it gives you some hope. xxx

I would like to start off by saying that although you think that I can not talk, in fact, I can in my own way talk to you. Look at me in the mystery of my first home, where I am warm, comfortable and playing around as if I can float on air, and you will see my smiling face. You will see me enjoying myself sucking my thumb.
Even if you didnt want to look, I could show you by reminding you of my athleticism and my ability to turn on myself and swoop like a bird, upside down, bounding right to left, and I can stick my bum out and shake my booty!
Perhaps you didnt think that I can understand your words, but I can. I understand that you are feeling sad, and that me being here has not even made you happy.
But you know mum, I am awaiting that rush of excitement from you. Not necessarily for me being alive, but just to feel you feeling happy.
But I know that you are not. You work all day in a job you dont really like to do, and I know that you never get the time to do the things that you like to do. Well, I hope to be able to give you the time to do things.
The problem is, that I get so hungry so easily, and I know that I will be upset when I havent got enough in my tummy, and then theres my nappies, and my wind which will get stuck.
But I promise to grow strong, and to grow big. I hope Im not too big before Im born, so try to noteat too much chocolate!
Ha ha! I love you mum, even though you have no ideas about what love is at the moment. You dont know if you love my dad, and I know that you dont get made to feel excited by him, and that he seems as if he doesnt care about you. This is making you feel unsure about letting me be here with you, but I can assure you that I will make you remember feelings you felt when you were at your most happiest.
Even though as a baby, I know that you wont understand the beauty in my innocence and vulnerability, and even though I know that when you see me for the first time, that you wont feel thrilled, you will, in time, begin to soften.
How do I know this? Because I believe in you mum. I want to lok after you, and to bring you all the lovely things in life.
I want to hold your hand on autumn days and make you take me for walks to see the animals. I want you to roll about the floor and remember what its like to use your body again, instead of just walking to and from the car. I want you to feed me with your body, so that I can feel the nourishment coming from you, and help you to lose that extra weight you have been wanting to lose for so long.
I want you to feel good about yourself.
Mum, I know you dont think I know you, or that anyone knows you, but I want you to know that I know you so well. And I know that you feel numb inside. Sometimes, it can feel quite lonely in here. You see, when you are happy, a rush of feeling comes to me, and I can play around for days, thrilled that you are okay, and that you will want to love me when you see me.
But because I know you are feeling so sad inside, I dont often get the company of your happiness, and all I can feel is you being strong, and this makes me love you so much more, because you really need me to be able to help you and to make you stronger.
Im here mum, and I promise not to go anywhere. Even if you dont love me, and even if you dont love yourself one bit, I promise to bring light to your dark days, and keep you busy, keep you healthy, make you want to looke after me properly, and help you understand that living isnt about what you look like or what you wear, that life is about finding some kind of contentment and fulfilment, and being allowed to be yourself. And that is the greatest gift that I will rbing to you letting you be you, and I will always be a reminder that from you came something beautiful and alive. That even at your darkest times, the fin times we will have in the future will always sustain you and bring happiness to you. Ill be your guardian angel mummy. xxx

How does your partner feel?

Hi Hun,

How does your partner feel about all this? Is he a caring type that can look out for you and your baby?. Every woman is different with regard to her coping abilities, so dont beat yourself up about being fragile. There are reasons why you are the way you are, and nobody knows what it is like to walk in your shoes.

With regard to coping with a small baby, well all I can say is that you will find strength and courage you never knew you had. This is because of the love you will feel for your baby. Dont expect to feel it until you see your child, dont even worry if it takes even a few days or weeks after the birth, but we are programmed to have these feelings and they will come. In the meantime thing about where you can get support. Do you have good friends or siblings who could help you? I am making a wild guess that your parents may not be too available, but I hope I am wrong there.

Looking at the horific videos is only going to turn your mind to even darker thoughts. Before you make drastic decisions or appointments, take one week to look for inspiration and hope and picture yourself happy with a small child who will love you to bits, and who you will love to bits also.

I can only agree with the other replies on this forum that having an abortion is only going to make you more fragile and afraid and less able to cope with the rest of your life, whereas having your child could give you a huge boost of confidence, and finally knowledge that you are a really worthwhile super person who is strong in this world, inspite of everything that has happened to you up till now.

You need a good injection of hope my girl, but you have to find it within.

My prayers and thoughts are with you this week.
Big hugs
Siobhan

Dont make decisions

Hi
I hope you feel some calmness now you have written to this web page, you do not have to make this decision now. Live one day at a time, this days has its own troubles and joys and tomorrow you will think and feel somethng else. Thats ok, Abortion will add to your mentle health problems. Try to see a professional about this and they will know that abortion will not help you at this time. They may be able to offer support while you get a bit better. and keep in touch with us please, I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Casey

Consider adoption!

Hello, sorry to hear what you are going through. It doesn't sound like you are a bad person at all and I don't think your message will upset anyone; this kind of situation is exactly what this discusion is for. You are just someone in a situation who needs help and recognizes the truth about both motherhood and abortion, that both are serious decisions.

Have you considered giving the baby up for adoption? This too is a serious decision, but a life-giving one for the baby, and one that gives happiness to a person or family that so badly wants a child. You sound like a very responsible person and you know that raising a child is not a good option for you, and you also know that destroying the baby would cause you great emotional trauma. You basically have three choices and adoption might be a good one for you. Don't know if you are in counselling, but that might help too. Care Confidential (http://www.careconfidential.com/) are specialists in helping pregnant women think through their options, and they have centers throughout the UK, or if you are somewhere else, they should be able to refer you to someone in any country. They also have phone and chat support. Best wishes to you. Hang in there and let us know how you get on. Peace!

Consider adoption!

Your story breaks my heart, it must be so difficult for you.

I've never had any problems with my mental health till I went through with my abortion, and I've coped with a fair amount of stuff. But I'm now struggling with a huge depression. In theory I have no problem with abortion, but it's so different when it's your own.

I really don't want to make anything harder for you, but I didn't really consider adoption as i thought I couldnt cope with parting with it after giving birth, and always wondering if it was happy/well etc. But it has to be better than the guilt of knowing it will never be happy. Or anything.

Plus, having a child can bring about amazing changes in people, it could be really good for you. Your baby is part of you, so maybe you could cope with the intimate bond you may form with it and that could open all kinds of new doors for you. But if not, there are loads of loving, caring people out there that just can't make their own babies, and would welcome your child into their family.

I hope it works out best for you, whatever you choose.
Huge hugs.

Thank you

Its warming to know that there are people out there who can relate and understand and also support eachother in their time of need. Thanks for your kind words and advice. They've helped me realise how different my emotions are to other peoples. and how they affect my life in such a way im scared of things other people wouldnt flinch at. My partner is extremely supportive and caring and im extremely lucky to have him. and he supports whatever descision i make.
i went for a consultation appointment yesterday, and i have an appointment for the surgical abortion on monday. Iv'e thought about it as long and deep and hard and all those other things! ive been happy sad confused. But i know being me its something i cannot go through with, people would say the abortion would be the most traumatic thing, but im telling you that for 'me' having the baby would be worse. its hard for most people to understand, and i dont blame those who dont. but this is me, and i dont like wearing my shoes. but its the way it is and its what i have to do to move on. All these strong women in here amaze me, and i feel for the people who cannot have children. and it angers me knowing it's what i need to do, but being pregnant feels like a huge black web to me.

While there is time

Hi there my dear, pause a while and read carefully. Yes Opheliac, you are scared and you most probably think that the operation will free you from the fear, this is a mistake on your part. Your partner is willing to support your decision to go along with the consultants recommendation to abort this pregnancy. In truth he needs to be protecting both of you from the harm the doctor will inflict on you, and the death of your baby.
I learned the hard way, I wanted to avoid fear too and I too had an abortion. However, you cannot escape life in this way, at some point we all have to face our own life and what it means and at this time you will have to face the fact that your child died because you were not able to protect him/her., and no-one tried to protect you. This is a monumental blow for you to grapple with.

Why are you so frightened of this baby?
Are you an abortion survivor, in other words did your mother try to get rid of you?
"it angers me knowing it's what i need to do, but being pregnant feels like a huge black web to me. " this statement sounds as if you were under threat of death at the beginning of you life in your mothers womb. Can you ask her for more information about the circumstances of your conception?
With every good blessing tonight as you read and understand what I am saying to you.

And there is still time

hi Ophelia, glad to hear the posts on here have helped you to think. I don't presume to know or guess anything about your past or present ... all we know is what you've written on here, but from that I can make a pretty good guess that you are more normal than you think, and you are stronger than you think. Just wanted to say that. And remember, if you have any doubt about this serious and irreversible decision, it's not too late to change, even when you are at the clinic, even when you are up on the table. Hope this message like the others doesn't give you hardship but just serves as another reminder that people care. Peace and all good things to you no matter what happens!