Confused and scared

Hi,
I really need some help and good advice. I found out at the weekend that i am 5 weeks pregnant. i dont think it sunk in straight away although i did start to panic about what i needed to do, doctors appointment etc so deep down i knew i was excited. I told my boyfriend later that evening, we had our suspicions so he wasnt overely surprised. we are in a difficult situation at the minute and the timing could not have been worse. just before we starting going out, a year ago now, he split up with his long term fiance. they already have a 2 year old and a one year old who has barely left hospital since he was born. for this reason he really wants me to have an abortion. he is happy to have kids me in a few years time but just not now as things are still very raw for his ex and family etc. he also lost his job recently and is struggling to survive! i understand his reasons behind wanting me to have an abortion but i really dont no what i want. one minute im really excited then i think no, this isnt right. really am so confused. my boyfriend told me at the start he would leave me and have nothing to do with t he child but he has come around and said he will stand by me whatever decision i make. this has helped so much but i am still unsure! my parents will also mprobably kick me out!! not the fun and exciting pregnancy i always wanted. i have looked into abortion and literallycried hysterically for about an hout, it terrifies me.

Maybe

Hey stars 410
It is good that your boyfriend has come around, that would be hard as he is needing to grieve the lost previous family, and all the health issue that kept the baby in hospital so long, this is very hard on young parents or parents of any age. However, you need to focus on your health and long term well being and as you will know pregnancy is good for women and protects them from illnesses. The good thing about him being out of work is that he will be able to bond with your new baby. Feel what you feel and go with the flow of the new life within you, life has a surprising way of opening up when new babies come. Next year you will be writing in to say he got a job and the baby is georgous. With every good blessing for your future.
casey

Hi!

Hello stars410, yes, like Siobhan said, it really seems like you would do best to go with your gut feelings of being excited about this happy event, and to take seriously your feeling of being horrified about something you know in your heart isnt the choice for you. The timing is never perfect, and the baby you might have later can never replace the unique one you have now. 5 weeks is early, to be sure, but the babys heart is actually beating just 3 weeks after conception (or what would be called 5 weeks pregnant if you are counting from the date of the last period) see this neutral medical site, http://www.drspock.com/article/0,1510,9851,00.html . You may also want to check out this video about how the baby develops - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoisqOGQIVE - all of this is totally not meant to scare you but to give you the facts to make a fully informed decision. It is natural to feel confused and unsure but just take your time and listen to your heart. Sincerely wish you all the best no matter what, and hope to hear back from you. Peace!

Hey.

Firstly, to get things into perspective, you are 5 weeks pregnant and the thing you are carrying is not yet a baby, it is a ball of cells with a tail. If you were to have an abortion it would not suffer in the slightest, and at this point your needs are more important than the needs of your pregnancy.

Ethics aside, keeping this pregnancy could be bad for your boyfriend and his children. You are early on enough to have a medical abortion, which would mean taking some pills, and passing the pregnancy like a period. It is very painful, and I had contractions for about 3 hours, but it's not as painful as labour and it is bearable. Of course it's scary, but you want your first pregnancy to be an exciting and happy experience, and this isn't going to be one. It'd take you a while to recover physically and emotionally from the abortion, and you'd need to make sure that your partner is giving you all the support you need, but if this isn't the way you wanted it to be then maybe you shoulf have the abortion. You want your first real pregnancy to be happy, and you want your baby to be financially supported and not feel like a burden. Weigh up the positives and negatives, discuss it with your partner, and do whatever will be better for you all in the long run.

Also don't read what a lot of websites say about abortion as they can be giving distorted views and they are designed to scare women away from it. Many women, including myself, have recovered well from having an abortion, so don't be too scared.

xLollyx

Read lollys thread .....

Hi stars,

I think you should read Lollys thread to know where she is coming from. 16 years old, 1 month after abortion, relationship having some trouble.....

This is your first real pregnancy, and I dont know of any other "bunch of cells" that has a heartbeat, and all the chromosomes which will already determine gender, eye colour, hair colour, blah blah blah.

But I guess it is good to have different opinions so that you can look at your situation from different angles.

Sometimes it is good to know where people are coming from and what is shaping their views. You probably neither have the time nor the interest to dig out where I am coming from (Wrote it on here well over 1 year ago) but in brief I see the long term effects of abortions carried out over 30 years ago on a close member of my family, and trust me it takes more than one month to 'recover well' from this experience. Some women never recover, especially those that felt pressured into the decision.
xx
Siobhan

No need to get personal...

I know exactly what my circumstances are, and I'm basing my advice on my own personal experience. It doesn't sound like you've ever had an abortion, so I thought it would be good for her to hear from someone who has.

And yes I'm sixteen, and yes I had an abortion a month ago. I'm saying it how it is. Lots of things have heartbeats. Insects have heartbeats. But there are more important things than heartbeats. This woman has a mind, and a life, and awareness as well as a heartbeat and should think of herself first. Some women do recover, some women don't. I never said they all do. I'm struggling, but it could be worse, and I wanted her to know that women can recover from an abortion if they feel like they made the right choice. I've recovered relatively well in the last month, with the support of my boyfriend, so trust me, it doesn't necessarily take more than one month to recover well, although it won't if you regret the decision. I don't.

Also, sperm cells and egg cells have chromosomes which determine all those things, but that doesn't mean that we fertilize every single one so that every unique combination can be produced.

This thread was set up because she wanted advice, and I gave her mine. There's no rule on here about 16 year olds giving their opinions, just like there's no rule about people with little personal experience giving their opinions, so there's no need to contradict me. I think you're extremely rude. You gave your opinion and I gave mine, and there was no need to demean my advice like that.

However, I'm sure you mean well, and we all want the best for everyone who has to make this decision.

xLollyx

Not demeaning your advice, lolly

Lolly, sorry if you think I am demeaning your advice, and sorry for offending you.
I think I actually wrote that it is good to have different opinions on here so that you can see things from different angles. Just saying that it is good to know where people are coming from with their experiences and advice.

This is such a hot button topic that there are no neutral observers - either you think human life is precious and should be protected from conception to grave or you talk about a bunch of cells with a tail. (I am sure I am not the only one who winced at that one)

I am glad you are recovering well, and best of luck with your relationship.

Siobhan

That's ok.

I know it was quite a brutal way of wording it, but my logic was that if she needs to have an abortion for the sake of the children that are already there then it's best to be objective about it. I just think it's quite early on in the pregnancy to put it's needs in front of her own and her family, and no-one wants a bad pregnancy experience. Obviously there comes a point where I wouldn't see a pregnancy like that, for example, I don't think that abortion at 24 weeks is right because that is quite clearly a baby in every sense. I don't even particularly approve of people over 21 years having an abortion, because I think one gets to an age when an an accidental pregnancy should be seen as a blessing, but of course there are exceptions.

I didn't want her to think that every woman who has an abortion suffers for ever and ever because it does depend on how objectively you look at it. Which is why I said what it was at this stage, spiritual beliefs aside, which is not very big and kind of like a fish. If I had waited around for a few more weeks to get an abortion and it had developed proper hands and feet and lost the tail and I would have had to have surgery, then I would probably have kept it. I know it's not a nice way to think of a pregnancy, but it's a good way to think of an unwanted one. What needs to be done here is things need to be weighed up. Will keeping it harm the other children, and will it be financially supported. If Stars feels excited about this pregnancy than an abortion might not be good emotionally, although if she can see it objectively it might help her deal with the abortion if she wants to wait for the other babies to grow up and for the boyfriend to get a job before she tries for a baby that she can be happy about.

Thanks for apologising, and I'm sorry I got annoyed. Things are going very well for me and my boyfriend atm, so I think the worst of the stress of the experience has worn off. Mucho reliefo.

I hope things work out for you Stars.

xLollyx

Go with excited

Hi stars 41020,

Stick with your initial gut reaction of excited, and be strong in the face of all the opposition which lies ahead. There is nothing like the feeling of holding your own child in your arms. You will never have the opportunity to have this baby again, and you know deep down what the right thing to do is. This baby is innocent of all the problems which affect your boyfriends ex and family, so why should he or she suffer?

Best of luck and take good care of yourself, you have a rough few weeks ahead as morning (haha lasts all day) sickness is due to kick in soon.
xxx
Siobhan