7 days after my abortion. (very long, sorry)

2 weeks ago, I took a pregnancy test, and to my suprise, it was positive. I was stunned (I am on the pill), and immediatly broke down. From the age of 14, I have dreamed of becoming pregnant every day, and couldnt wait for the day I became a mother. I am the broodiest person I have ever come accross.
For all the time I have spent dreaming of having a baby, I had my first negative thought - What on earth am I going to do? I had just started my dream course working with children at uni, me and my partner have debts, and we live in a completely innappropriate environment to bring up a child.
I worked up the courage to tell my partner, his response was what I expected - he didnt want this baby. I was distraught, my biggest dream came true and I knew it would be taken away from me straight away but deep down I knew it was our only option. I felt as though he was forcing me to get to the doctors to have it all over and done with that day, but I wasnt ready, I needed to come to terms with what had happened, and in the back of my mind, I thought a few extra days might have changed his mind.
For the next few days, I cried uncontrollably. I wanted to be dead. I wished and wished as hard as I could that I would have a misscarriage so I didnt have to go through the ordeal of having a termination.
Anyway, the day came for the first part of the termination through the NHS. From reading previous posts on this forum, I wasnt very confident about how I was going to be treated. I sat down in the waiting room, and I was very shocked to see every other chair fill up within the next half an hour. All ages, all walks of life. I waited and waited, and eventually it was my turn. By this time I had control of my emotional outbursts, or so I thought. The first nurse introduced herself and was so very very friendly. I took a few steps and burst into tears - she was lovely, she took me into a private room and calmed me down. I had my scan, the lady who did that wasnt particularly friendly at all, and she told me I was 8 weeks. I was told to go back to the waiting room. Another ten minutes went by, and a doctor called my name. She was also lovely, easy to talk to and most certainly not judgemental. I couldnt believe how lovely everyone was to me. An hour or so later, after going through lots of paperwork and being told what I would feel would be like a painful period, I took my first pill. It was fine, my partner seemed relieved, I felt numb.
The next day was the second part of the procedure. I was terrified. When I arrived at the hospital, another lovely doctor called my name. I was taken into a room, the curtain was drawn, and I was told to insert 4 pills as I would a tampon. I did so, sat down and waited for the doctor to come back. It wasnt untill all the pills had been taken, that I was told the true, gruesome details. I wouldnt in fact feel like I was having a painful period and pass a lot of blood, I would actually be in severe pain and pass the pregnancy in unpleasant large bloodclots. She gave me some strong painkillers.
We had to get the bus home, and within 15 minutes I was already way past the pain point of a painful period. It was getting worse by the minute. The pain continued to intensify, and half an hour after I arrived home, I was in the most intense unbearable pain I have ever experienced in my life, and to be honest, I remember very little of the next few hours. I remember sitting on the toilet, leaning against the wall, shaking violently, my eyes were going in and out of focus. 7 days later I still feel pain, its very uncomfortable. I cant look at children, I cant watch children on the television, I feel like I see pregnant women everywhere. I am at an extremely low point in my life, possibly the lowest. I regret more than anything what I have done, and I wish I had the courage to go ahead with the pregnancy.

I just hope that anyone reading this considering a termination will please think twice. This is not the easy option. If you do go ahead with it, be prepared for the pain, depression and regret you will feel afterwards. I hope what I have said about my experience of a medical termination on the NHS can help someone in some way.

(sorry it was so long)

Im going through the same...

I am going throug a very similar thing. I found out I was pregnant after 5 weeks. We were planning it, but my partner has been going through bad depression. When I told him he said the timing wasn't right and didnt want me to keep it. That was 6 weeks ago. I thought he was coming round to the idea. He even brought home a crib that a friend had given us.

Then last Thursday he left me. Said he couldnt cope and doesnt want to be a father to 'my' baby. I wish I could bring it up on my own but I can't at the moment. I can;t bring up a baby that is resented by its father that never wants to see it. I now have no choice but have an abortion.

Im going to the clinic this afternoon for my initial consultation. It is a private clinic, but is funded by NHS. (I will have a surgical abortion)

I feel so guilty about this. I don't know how I can live with this but I know that it will be better than having the child at the moment as I couldnt cope emotionally or financially.

Broodyg, I hope you are feeling better, at least physically.

Take your time

Hey, how did your consultation go today? Did you make an appt. for the termination? It sounds like you have some serious doubts about it, so don't rush into a decision you could regret for a long long time. Even if you made the appointment, you can cancel or postpone it. First of all, your breakup was only last week. It could be a case of cold feet and your partner might come around. Some guys do. And anyway what if he doesn't? I can tell you from personal experience, having grown up fatherless in a poor family. It's not easy but a person can get though it, experience a lot of love and go on to live a great life! By the way I did eventually get to know my father and we have a friendly, though not close relationship. I actually don't think we would have gotten along well if he had helped raise me. So the point is that you never know what is really the best thing for the child - things have a way of working out, even though with your current depression that might seem like rubbish, it really is true. I can also tell you that to be destroyed and have no life at all probably isn't the best thing for the child. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I don't know how else to say it. In your other post it sounds like adoption has at least crossed your mind. Don't dismiss it - it comes with its own challenges but this way you will know that at the end of the day, you gave life to a little person who will have the chance to live and love, laugh and cry and experience everything in life. And you gave happiness to a parent or family who couldn't make their dreams come true on their own. Did they go over all your options with you at the clinic, or did they mostly talk about abortion? Are you
(and partner) in counselling, since you mention depression? You might want to check out http://www.careconfidential.com/ for online, phone, or in-person consultation with trained advisors who will talk you through all your choices including abortion and not assume that abortion is the best choice. Best of luck and let us know how you get on. Peace.