I had an abortion 2 days ago

Hi
This is quite long so I have put it into sections in case anyone is only interested in certain bits. I know my opinions are not the same as everyone elses. I just wanted to share this experience in case any other woman is in the same position I was in, maybe this can help in some way.
I have been reading everyone elses posts and have taken comfort from the fact I am not the only one experiencing some things.

The History
I already have a son who is 9 years old to my ex husband. I have been going out with my new partner for about two years. I cannot use the excuse of being too young because I am 30, or not having any money - I have a good enough job and a nice house.
I started taking a new contraceptive pill because I was having painful periods and I got pregnant right away despite following the instructions rigidly.
When I told my boyfriend he seemed delighted and stupidly started telling people right away. He even told my little boy who was just absolutely over the moon. He told his family who were also so happy, they had been putting pressure on me for a while to get pregnant. Almost as if it was my duty.
In theory it was the perfect time to have a baby my job gives 6 months maternity leave at full pay, much more than most jobs. My boyfriend was great with my son and everything seemed fine.
I f I was going to have a baby I wanted to get married, I felt it was the right thing to do and that it would give me security. I spoke to my boyfriend about this and then he dropped a bombshell. He said If he married me I could lose my house because he was 30,000 in debt.
Now maybe this doesn't seem like good enough reason to have an abortion but it was the start of me realising that I really don't know this guy well enough. Realising that although he earns about £500 net per week, he never seems to have any money and that maybe there are lots of things I dont know about him.
I was starting to get really worried and stressed out about the future and during sleepless nights I would go downstairs and find him drinking alone sometimes at 5 and 6am. I tried to talk to him about things but it seemed like he didn't feel he had to make as much of an effort with me anymore. I was knocked up, in the bag.. and he had more control than ever.
I was aware a lot of this might have been my hormonal state and I tried to see things rationally. But the next few weeks seemed to reveal more and more about him and I was absolutely frightened to death that I might end up on my own with another child again. I was just starting to do well in my career and because my son was older, life in general was becoming much easier and much more fun.
I spoke to my mum and cried so much. I asked her 'does this have to happen?' and she told me without a shadow of a doubt it does. A strict catholic upbringing made my feelings even more confusing.

Doctors
I went to the doctor and I agree with all the other posts on her that say the NHS system failed them. I told the doctor I was pregnant and she prescribed folic acid. I went on to say but I am not happy about it and I want to discuss my options. She told me it was illegal in Northern Ireland and she felt I was very confused and that I should think about things for a few weeks and then go back to her. She kept referring to it as 'baby' and me as 'mummy' .. like 'baby doesn't like swordfish so mummy should avoid it'.. and I just felt like she shouldn't be doing this, it was making it all harder for me. She let me go from the surgery absolutely in pieces. If I hadn't had my son I would honestly say I was so emotional at that point I might have done something really stupid like try to kill myself. Although, please if you are feeling like that DO NOT DO IT because whatever you decide, everything will be ok. I had nowhere to turn. I have not been back to any doctor since and despite the mess I was in, they have not contacted me.
Decision
So I needed to make the hardest choice of my life. I researched so much and I would advise any woman thinking about this to do the same. Know the facts inside out. I went for long walks and tried to do some soul searching. I knew it wasn't a babys fault that I was with a man who had been keeping secrets from me. I went from imagining myself pushing a baby in a pram.. to imagining myself free and single again with just my son.
I made lists, long lists of reasons to have a baby and reasons not to have a baby. The reasons to have a baby were longer than the reasons not to have one. But when I read them over I realised the 'pro' list was all for other people. It was to make my son, my boyfriend, his family, my mum.. to make all these people happy. But not me.
Realise one thing - everyone promises they will be there for you, they vow to help and that everything will be fine. And my family love me and would try their best - but everyone has their own lives. It is you and you only who will responsible for a baby for the rest of it's life. And it's your body, that you have control over.
People reading this might be disgusted at my reasons. They are selfish ones. But you get one shot at this life and whatever you decide to do make sure you are happy doing it. Only YOU have the power to make YOU happy.
If I had a baby I know I would love it. There is no way I would consider giving a baby for adoption because I know once I view it as a baby and bond with it I would love it.
Everyone has different opinions about this. But I was 8 weeks pregnant and I did not think of it as a baby. I thought of it as something that could potentially be a baby. But I had an option to change things before they went any further.
If you feel any kind of a bond to the foetus or baby at all then I would really advise that you do not go through with this unless it just cant be helped. Because the process is traumatic. It was traumatic for me and I didnt feel a bond.
I was looking at babies in prams hoping to stir up an emotional response and I felt nothing. I think this is because I did so much research to establish the facts and I knew at 8 weeks this was not a tiny little baby. Not yet.
So as I said abortion is still illegal in Northern Ireland where I live. I started looking into the options of going private. Going through the NHS was not an option because of the experience I had at the doctors. But then even better I realised at my early stage of pregnancy I could have a medical abortion at home. It sounds so cold but for 70 Euro I got it delivered to my door with full instructions.
Please be careful if you are ordering this from the internet, I hear there are sites with very dodgy pills. If you want to email me I will let you know which one I went through.
I thought to myself I will just order them but I will have more time to think about it and maybe by the time they come I will have changed my mind. Still in that time I felt I was beginning to see such a different side to my partner and all I could do was cry. I imagined myself going for yet another long walk to think about actually going through with it once the pills arrived. Still when they were delivered, I swallowed the first one within about 5 minutes. I was certain I did not want this.

Abortion
The website advises you do not do this on your own and that you should tell at least one person who will be on hand to help you. I didnt. I just took the tablets and told my partner I was having a miscarriage.
Again, think carefully if this is the right thing for you to do. If your partner finds out you lied to him it could end in disaster. For me, I imagine our relationship will end now anyway. Although I still feel I am carrying a terrible secret.
The instructions were to take one tablet to block the pregnancy hormones. I done this and there no effects at all as described.
24 hours later I had to take 4 more pills they had to dissolve between the gum and the cheek. Within 2 hours I was vomiting violently and the contractions started. The pain built gradually until it was complete agony.
Although I felt I deserved the pain, I was on my knees praying for mercy from god. This was 100 times worse than when I gave birth to my son 9 years ago and I had no pain relief at that time either.
The site advises to use pain killers. So I had stocked up on paracetamol. I might as well have taken nothing for all the good that done. If you are going to do this, get hold of something very strong to ease the pain and please be careful not to take too much. When in labour it is easy to grab anything for relief. This was the worst day of my life. I run marathons and I am fit and healthy and have a high pain threshold. But I thought I was dying. Nothing prepared me for the pain. It was 4 hours before the bleeding started and by that time I had taken another 2 tables buccally.
I sat in a very hot bath and started to feel the pain ease slightly after about 5 hours of agony. I got out and had hotwater bottles all around me and thought the worst of it was over. Not a chance of it. The second set of tablets started kicking in and the whole process of vomiting and contracting started over again. My son had gone to my sisters house and all I could think about was how he would react if he seen me like this. My boyfriend (who was actually very good throughout this) phoned my doctor and they told me to go to the surgery. I was screaming in pain, I couldnt even crawl never mind walk and I was losing so much blood it was scary. All they could tell me to do was go to the surgery?? When I stood up the blood was just soaking through 2 sanitary towels and my trousers and running down my legs. Imagine me in a doctors waiting room like that? He told them I could not go and they then said the only thing they can advise is for me to rest. I mean they could hear me screaming in the background, they could hear me vomiting so badly but they sent no one.
So I am not trying to put anyone off this idea if they feel it is the right thing to do. But please be prepared for it and expect no help from your doctor. I think I should have gone to hospital but at the time I could not even stand up. If you experience this as bad as I did, just try to go to the hospital and tell them you had a miscarriage.
Lots of people are interested in what comes away with the blood. I saw a lot of horrible stuff but I promise, none of it resembled a baby. Maybe I am not as sensitive as other people (but I doubt it cause Im pretty sensitive) but the stuff evoked no emotions with me at all. It was freaky but not like I was looking at a dead baby.
The whole thing lasted about 9 hours. After the 4th hot bath I started feeling ease again. The baths really helped me, I recommend you try this to see if it helps.
I slept on and off for about 3 hours that night. The next day my sister heard I had a miscarriage and brought me some prescription strength painkillers. Although it was a little late as the worst of the pain had gone I took some of these and felt so much better. To the point where in I got up and started cleaning and acting like nothing had happened.
That was yesterday. I wont be taking any more pain killers today because I dont want to use them as an escape. Please be careful not to turn to these too much or alcohol or anything like that.
This will seem like the wrong thing to say and no doubt will have people hate me. But I am trying to view this as a fresh start. It is sad that this had to happen but it is done now and I am using it as an opportunity to really take care of myself by resting and eating properly and getting well again.
The lesson here was not about being more responsible and having safer sex because I feel I done that. It still happened. But my mistake was being with the wrong man. Why does a baby have to suffer for me being with the wrong person? Isnt that my mistake? Should I have to just live with the consequences? Did I take a cowardly way out? And am I a murderer?
Well I just feel like I had an option to change things but I have learnt a harsh lesson. Until now I was pro life and jumped on the bandwagon with all my catholic family who state abortion is just wrong.
I will never again judge anyone who is faced with this decision. And I feel that women deserve help to get through this without prejudice.
Personally I feel relief now, although I am numb and sad that it ever happened - I still know I done the right thing. I feel worse for women who are further on in their pregnancy and cannot have a medical abortion, I think what they will go through must be even tougher.
I want to help anyone who needs to talk or ask questions.
Thank you for reading.