Dilema and need some advice.

Hi Ladies,
Well i'm in total dilema and i'm not proud of myself for it either. I had a miscarriage last xmas which resulted in my marriage being put under allot strain. I was originally told i couldnt have kids as the surgen said my tubes were bloked, but then getting pregnant at xmas was a total shock. Our relationship took a bad turn and i decided that i wanted some time out from the marriage to figure out what it was i really wanted and decided to move out of our home for a while. We have now decided to give our marriage another go but yesterday i found out i was pregnant, and it's not my husband's. I started seeing a guy from work back in May, most likely because he was paying me attention that i wasnt getting from my hubby but i have no idea what to do. I've been thinking about the abortion pill and have an appointment on Friday but i'm not 100% sure this is what i want. My dilema is that if i tell my hubby i'm pregnant he will know it's not his baby and our marriage will be over for good. Or the other option is i could get rid of it and he would never know but i would possibly feel sad and depressed. I feel like i have to make a choice, my hubby or the baby. I want to say my hubby as i would love to have children with him one day, i just dont know what to do.
I would have no home to go to and being a single mum scares me to death.

Any advice would be graeful x

Update

Hi Ladies,
Thank you for oyur support and advice. To give an update, i decided to confess all to my husband, i just felt i couldnt carry on living a lie anymore. His reaction, well as expected, devestated and broken hearted, and he instinctly knew the baby wasnt his. After he had calmed down we discussed the pregnany, he said he felt no emotion at all, didnt feel like a man knowing that i got pregnant by someone else and he wanted me to get rid of the baby. because he was my husband and cause i didnt want to hurt him anymore, i agree to go ahead with a medical abortion, which i had this week. How am i feeling now that i have done this, updet, regret, anger, deep down i knew i wanted to keep this baby but my husband said he couldnt face bringing another mans child up. At the moment i feel anger towards him and blame him for making me have the abortion. In an ideal world i just wanted him to say lets have the baby and i'll raise it as my own, those words never came. I'm totally devestated with what i have done, and hate my husband at this present moment in time. I've been trying to figure out whay i wanted the baby so much, was it that i had a miscarriage last xmas and so much wanted a baby or was it because i had such strong feelings for the guy i was seeing that i just wanted to keep a little part of him. I think it was a little bit of both. Me and my husband talked last night and i told him how i felt, i just cant see how i am ever going to be able to get through this. My hubby has suggested counselling but i'm questioning whether i really want to be with him right now. I know i could have changed my mind about the abortion but i thought it was the right thing at that time, now i know it wasnt and i will live with that regret for the rest of my life. Will this pain ever go away?? I chose my husband over the baby and now i am regretting it. I cant see a future for us at the moment and it's tearing me apart.

Sarah x

Of course

Hi Sarah
Of course you wanted to keep a little bit of him, especially if this was a big love for you. And the baby will have left an imprint on your mind and now is the time to grieve the loss of the pregnancy and all that it meant for you. You have had a lot of loss and so you need to take your time to sort out all the thoughts and feelings and then life will feel doable again. Your husband is trying to be honest about how he feels too, and it is not easy for men to understand how much a woman looses when she has an abortion.
Please come on and tell us how you are doing.
Thinking of you at this difficult time.
Casey

Hello

hi saz47
I'm sorry to hear about your suitation and what you have to deal with. It's a tricky suitation your in but you'll get througth it, Maybe if you talk to your husband, it may not turn out as bad as you think.
will be thinking about you xxx
Berns

Update

Well since i wrote my original note above last week, i now have a referrel letter for the abortion pill, but as yet i havent rung up for the appointment. Since then things have got a little complicated, the guy i was seeing at work has made it clear he wants nothing to do with the baby when it's born, financially or emotionally. My hubby has also discovered i am pregnant, as i had to go to hospital with a suspected eptopic pregnancy at the weekend and thinks it is his. In an ideal world it would be nice to keep this baby and have my hubby bring it up with me as our own, unfortunately i know if he found out the baby wasnt his, our marriage would be over. The emotional side for me is that i cant live with a lie, it's eating me up inside and making me feel ill. I cant believe what a mess my life is in at the moment, over the weekend i was thinking about keeping the baby, however this week i'm really starting to think that perhaps it would be easier all around if i were just to have the pill. It's tearing me apart as i keep remembering the heartbeat i saw on the screen and it makes me feel sick to the stomache.

Hello

Hi Saz

I am sorry that am of no help to you other than that you are not alone. I to have a similar problem and i am 6 weeks pregnant and only my sister knows. My husband and i dont get along and I want to leave him for vaious reasons and if he finds out that i am pregnant well i feel like my life would be over as i would be trapped for life. I dont know if the baby is his and i dont want to take the chance either way my life is a mess and it comes down to for me is it fair to bring an innocent child into the mess. Its heartbreakin and very hard to decide what is for the best. I thinking of you and wish you all the best.

How are you doing

cjni it sound as if you are very alone with your situation, is anyone able to listen to your stary and point a way forward. How do you feel towards your baby? Do you have other children?
Looking forward to hearing for you.
Casey

You will find a way

Hello there,

It seems the fundamental answer to your dilemma is in the way you felt when you saw the babys heartbeat and the fact that you feel so sick when you think about destroying the baby. Every woman has different feelings toward pregnancy and thats ok, but it seems pretty clear how you feel.

No matter whether you have the abortion or not, you still have the secret to live with. If you have the abortion, you still have the secret of the affair to live with and on top of it you the potentially very painful memory of the baby and the abortion. So choosing life for your child might be the thing to do, for your own good. At least this way, something good comes out of the situation ... perhaps should say someONE. The situation already happened and you cant undo that. An abortion is something you dont have to put yourself through and add more sorrow and pain to the situation.

Also, if hubby thinks the kid is his (why would he think that, anyway?), how would you explain the abortion to him? Will he believe whatever reason you come up with?

Please keep in touch and let us know how everything is going. Peace.

I can only imagine...

How difficult this is for you Saz47. This is the very difficult place of having to face independance during a time of deep uncertainity. It seems that whatever happens now you are going to have to tell your husband the situation, you may decide to leave or he to leave you but until you have that conversation you are not able to make a decision for yourself or your baby. Please don;t just do the easy thing because it can backfire.
My thoughts are with you.
Casey

Dream

Hi Saz
I had a dream about this situation, "I went to the bathroom to get a shower and when I came back the baby was lying on the bed, but the baby was all wet as the nappy leaked, i felt bad and realised i should have changed the baby first. In the bed was a black man. " Maybe it means something to you?
My friend, I have not met my dad and I am an old lady now, it is a sadness, but I have had a happy life. Maybe your man is one in a million and would take this baby on as his own.
Let me know how you are doing.
Casey

Solution

Hi saz47
This is one of those impossible situations where you need to ask God and sleep on it, dream up the answer. I will be thinking of you.
Casey

Hello

Sorry to hear what you are going through, saz47. It's really a rock and a hard place. If you don't tell hubby, he'll never know, but you will always know; can you really keep the secret from him for the rest of your life? Being a single mum is scary but it can be done. My mum did it and we were fine. So many women have done it. Or ... maybe you wouldn't have to do it, is it possible he could accept what happened? Or is there just no way he would forget what you did? No one is perfect.... Anyway the loss of your baby, and living with a lie forever, doesn't sound like much of an option. Not knowing more about your siuation it's hard to say much more.

Recommend you also check out http://www.careconfidential.com/ for consultation with trained advisors about all your choices. Free and non-judgmental.

Peace and best wishes to you and to all concerned, no matter what happens. Keep in touch.