Need advice long please please help

split with kids dad, (both kids under two) he want access, quick breakdown.

he works away for two weeks at a time, when home he wants

4 days/nights then me to have the other 3 for week one
4 days/nights then me for other 3, for week two
then he's away for 2 weeks and so the cycle goes.

when the kids get to 3 years old he wants 3 times a year to have them for
1. 8 straight days/nights twice a year
2. 14 straight days/nights one a year

now the problem..............

when he's drunk he's abusive, both mentally and on occation physically (only when i hit him first)

since the kids were born i have done EVERYTHING.

he's never run their bath, made their food, cut their nails, got them dressed, taken them to baby group, changed dirty nappies or any injections at the clinic, ( you get t he idea)

he loves his kids, i have to doubt in that, but im really worried he wont be able to cope with them for even a few hours all on his own, what if he get drunks and the little one approaches he when he's asleep and their dad lashes out, ( this has happended a few times with me.)

when he's not drunk he loves playing with them, but lets be honest thats about all he's good at, yes since we split he cant do enough, helping with baths, feeding them etc, but will it last.........i doubt it

he doesnt drink that much, his last drink was april, but when he does its like up to 20 cans a night and he lies on the sofa all the next day with a hangover.

when he does drink it usually ends up with him getting into fights, he spent time in prison for this, another time got community service and just in april attacked one of my "toddler group" dads by headbutting him.

this is no way to act with children, i fear for their safety, what if he falls asleep on the sofa, when i lived with him every night he fell asleep after tea, will he suddenly stop because he has the kids??? i doubt it, having then will probably make him fall asleep even more.

a fewyears ago i surprised him with a visit, i found him passed out, the flat full of smoke, he'd put the gas cooker on and fallen asleep with the frying pan on, i DID save his life that night.

just last week he visited the kids and he left the stair gate open, our son was half way up the stairs by himself, the previous night he shut the outside door but didnt lock it, i caught our son with the door open and foot outside, a 40 MPH main road passes my house, he could have run out onto the road.

am i in my right to say yes you can have the kids for day visits but no staying over night.

im thinking of phoning social work and explaining my worries, i cant tell him this, the guy scares me and is a manipulator, i've always given into him. plus the kids going back and forth i think is too much for them, they are 22 month and 8 month old

please please give me some advice, dont tell me to sit down and talk to him, because its useless, he'll end up manipulating me and making me feel wrong and guilty.

everyone says he'd never get the kids with his past, but this guy KNOWS how to work the system, he says dont take it to court ,coz the kids will suffer, another ploy to make me feel bad.

Contact

Ive been going through the courts for nearly 2yrs, it went there cause my daughters dad hit me at the time my daughter was 9months, she fell out of her pram due to the force from his blow fell onto the pavment . While he was on top of me struggling me, he wouldn't let me get to her . He hit just the once, i pressed charges and after that the courts were involved, has i took out a restraining order out on him. He did have a absuive pass been in jail for gbh, abh and he has assulted ex girlfriends in the pass. So he sees my daughter in a contact centre twice a month for 2-3hrs, my daughter comes first i wouldn't want her to be put in danger again. You have to do what feels right has a mother, the kids come first before our feelings, like my ex partner he is a good dad but his got a very bad temper, the courts have said to him to go for anger management classes he wont go, so he will have to stay in the contact until he does. When he does he can take my daughter out of the centre and have her for longer I'm not saying he will hurt my daughter but he could get into a fight with someone out on the street with my daughter with him.

Maybe you could say you can have the kids for this amount of time, if he declines you may have to go through the courts if you too can't come to a arrangement, but the courts is a long draining process you have to be strong to deal with it a nd see it to the end. You would have a good case. If i could go back i wished it never went through the courts but at the same time, some of these men can't expect to hit a women then think they can have the kids when they want when they cleary have a problem with anger. I wouldn't go to social sevices yet, when there invloved they will always be involved. If your on benefits go and see a lawyer that deals in child law just to see what your options are.

Good luck and keep me posted, if you have any questions please PM me has i'm going through it. I can give you advice.

x

Trouble

Hi
This splits into several issues, not necessarily in order of importance:
1: His rights to see the kids
2: His responsibilities to the kids
3: The kids safety
4: The kids needs
5: Are your thoughts justified or are you finding reasons for not giving him access

I am answering this as a single dad, had care of my 2 girls from ages 5 and 7, after a very bitter divorce.

I think the first thing to consider is what is best for the kids, your feelings and those of your ex are secondary. Try to step back and look in from the outside. Will it unsettle such young kids to be out of a routine. The worrying part is his drink problem. If he cannot control the quantity or his behaviour, will your kids be safe? You say that on occasion he is abusive, but when you hit him first! Is that good for your kids, no matter what the provocation you must control yourself as well, even if you use my release and bang saucepans. Why does he drink to excess sometimes? Is it random times or after specific events?

He has a right to see the kids as much as it is their right to see him, BUT only if they don't come to harm. I think you are correct in not wanting him to have extended or overnight access at the moment, but I think it is something that should be reviewed once he has proved himself. Does he realise how much work and how little freedom there is with such young kids? If you have worries AND you think they are really justified, I think you need to consult your social worker and calmly state your concerns. Make a list before you go, and if you are likely to talk before putting your mouth into gear, take a calm friend or relative with you.

It is hard for both of you, but remember is is traumatic for the kids, especially if you argue or get abusive to each other when they are present. If you feel you need to get a court order to set out access rights then do it. However, bear in mind any weaknesses that you might have that could be presented to the court.

Best of luck and take care.