Wanting to purge again

after years of what i called dieting,
i came to realise with the help of someone special in my life, that i was hurting myself and not dieting.

i had been restricting my food intake to almost nothing, purging when ever i ate.
felt weak and drained all the time.

but with the help of my friend, i had got to the stage wear i did not feel i had to purge anymore,
i still wanted to, but felt i did not have to,
then i went away with my mother to scotland,
and i had to eat "normally" cause she not know about my "dieting" i found it really hard and stressfull.

when i got back, i did not eat for 2 days to compensate,
now i have gone back abit, i found it hard to start eating again and the erge to purge is back,
i hate it, i hate my fat self