Need help changing

i hate the way i am...
i dont even feel like i am myself and i hate that!
i am so jealous...
of everything.
for example
my poor bf....i am so honest with him - he's so kind and tries to help me by reassuring me, but i always feel sorry for myself and it really is an addiction/sickness....
im jealous of his friends, im jealous that he's a musician (i used to sing, but have grown insanely scared to do it in publuc...or even in private sometimes...) im jealous when he thinks of cool things, he's so clever and says funny things and i get jealous about that too....
its not fair to anyone, and when i think about it im not jealous at all but it comes out, i hate when his attention isnt all on me....
but what i want isnt real life! i just want to be constantly adored and loved and with my bf, but in real life there are things like business trips, family parties, parties in general, work, hobbies, that temporarily separate people - and in my head that is totally fine but in real life it really hurts me, i instantly think he doesnt love me anymore if he wants to spend a day apart....
and i often just lay around a cry all day and think about how lonely i am......
what is wrong with me?
everyday is a constant battle of telling myself to be happy and explaining why reality is the way it is...
and honestly im sick of telling myself to be happy everyday...
i know this all sounds ridiculous - i can see that it is, i just dont know how to change it...