How to convince wife to lose weight?
Im looking for advice on how to convince my wife to lose weight. Before we got married, she was fairly slim at 60 kilos. I always knew she liked to eat but she kept her weight under control and exercised. Since the wedding, she started eating more and stopped exercising and the result has been a stedy gain of 5-10 kilos a year. After 8 years she now weighs about 50 kilos more. She seems unconcerned and wears tight clothes that only accentuate her big tummy and rolls of fat. I do love her but find it difficult to be attracted to her when I see her jiggling mound of flab. What can i do?
I am looking for answers and advice too
When my husband and I got married I weighed in at a pretty hefty 11st. I was 15 when we started dating so I guess he just accepted me in my 'adult' form lol.
After having two children I weighed just over 13st.... bear in mind that Im only a touch over 5'3 so even Ill admit that I looked like a weeble.
Ive ALWAYS had issues with my weight and a very unhealthy relationship with food, Id go from starving to bingeing and back again.
I guess what Im trying to say is that it was my husbands honesty that kicked my arse into gear, I got down to 9st 13lbs (size 8) and looked the best I had in years... or so I thought, turns out that a size 8 just made me look unhealthy and boney.
I started to gain a bit and hit a size 10 which was wonderful... though now Im getting a lil bit bigger lol. Hubby says to me, you've put on a few pounds, it shows in your face. I dont take offence, I do something about it.
Sometimes us girls need to remember that men are not being shallow and insensitive, they WANT to be attracted to us or they wouldnt say anything at all... lets face it, it takes alot of courage to say anything (Either that or would you rather your hubby look elsewhere?!) Dont get me wrong, calling your Mrs lardy isnt the way to go about it, but a tactful approach will make us all healthier and happier.
Support her, yeah maybe she gained a few pounds over the years but no matter how big she looks you should never stop loving her or even feel less attracted to her. Im hoping you married her for being her and not JUST because how she looked. So her personality will still be there if nothing else, she is still the same person. Perhaps you should suggest going to some sort of excercise class together it will be hard for her to lose they weight so be supportive and offer this in a way that wont be offensive!!!!
You stated "you should never stop loving her or even feel less attracted to her. Im hoping you married her for being her and not JUST because how she looked."
I would hope that anyone reading this post certainly didn't marry "JUST because how she looked" but one can not deny that, that is a part of "the package" of attraction. That being said however... there are also chemical changes in the body when one gains weight. Chemistry plays a HUGE role in the attraction of one human to another. Phermones, musk if you will, the way your mate smells (under the deoderant and cologne or perfume) unconciously attracts one person to another... or repulses them (think Body Odor). I am not sayng that overweight people are smelly, I am saying that their Phermones may have changed...perhaps imperceptibly but that change might make a difference.
This is a slippery slope to walk and I do not want to offend anyone. If appearance makes no difference then why does it sell so well?
When I met her she was 50-60lbs. less. She won't exercise and won't stop eating sweets. She is very unattractive to me now--her stomach looks like Santa's. I was honest with her and told her that she need to lose weight and now she acts like she is a victim of my insensitivity. Now she wants to break up our six year relationship instead of losing weight. I feel very angry that the woman who is suppose to love me is more willing to lose her relationship than the weight. Maybe she's trying to drive me away. This stinks. I said we should go to a therapist and she said it won't help. Life is rolling by and this is going nowhere. When someone asked me why my marriage ended I will simply answer that I wanted my wife to try to lose weight. This is not normal. Who ends their marriage instead of losing weight.
What a waste of a loving relationship.
I have been married now for 2 yrs and I was 85kgs before but looked healthy... now I have hit 107 not good at all i have read your post and i guess for me it is a wake up call!!! I DONT THINK FOR ONE MINUTE YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD for telling your wife that she needs to lose weight!!!! To be honest no wife/women wants to be FAT and unhealthy if they do then there is something wrong with them! thank God that you would have the balls to tell your wife how your feeling and not go off and look for something else.... I appreciate hearing from a man who is struggling with this as i know these thoughts have probably gone through my husbands head... having heard that i want to to everything i can now to change that for both my good and HIS!!!!
MATE YOU ROCK i don't think your wife knows how lucky she is!!! lol and just remember us girls don't want to hear that we are fat but NEED TO
Personally I do not see what the problem is with wanting your partner to lose weight. Its not healthy to be over weight. If u no longer find your wife or husband attractive, its important to address the issue before it ends up wrecking your marriage which would be such a shame. Obviously don't say it in a mean way, I know that I would like to know if my parter thought I was gaining too much weight especially if he found it off putting. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to look your best for your partner and vice versa. Its not shallow to want to be attractive, its just human nature. I don't see why everyone is giving him such a hard time about wanting his wife to slim down.
First of all I would like to state my absolute disgust about the language you use to describe your wife. If she is happy with her self you should be supportive and love ehr unconditionally, we all have flaws. You should be more concerned with her health, fitness and general well being, as supposed to your own personal opinion about her "jiggling mound of flab" as you so delightfully put it.
You will get no sympathy from me.
Before a relationship jumps the gun, females need to know that no matter what happens, he will always be there without any criticism. On the other hand, even though you know that he loves you; you need to keep your man satisfied. Now when a female that possess your qualities and is in good shape, come across your man... you are in big trouble. Remember he loves you for you mind, but keeping yourself physically attractive should be your gift to him. (Now if he is still acting like a jerk, then you know that he is hard to plz) At the end of the day, you both reap the benefit. He is more attracted to you!!! And you are healthier than which you were before.
*Men are born with knowledge, so when a man suggests something, and you don't agree to it simply because of his reason; remember that he can still be right, but he has the wrong intentions. (In other words, WOMEN, THE MORE YOU ASK...THE MORE LAME HIS EXCUSES WILL BE.) Don't put him through hell, that'll only make the situation worse.
You stated "If she is happy with her self you should be supportive and love ehr unconditionally, we all have flaws. "
Ideed we do all have flaws... I am nowhere near perfect personally. Unconditional love, however, has little to do with whether one is attracted to another or not. I love my mother unconditionally as well as my children and my pets and I support them all... I however do not feel inclined to sleep with any of them. Love and attraction are two uniquely intertwined and yet entirely separate things. One does not need to be in love to be attracted to another. This is a base chemical reaction and an animal instinct to guarantee the survival of a species. Love on the other hand is far more complicated. I do not claim to be an expert on the subject, but I do know that one can love another and not be "attracted" to them. My point is... although I may be attracted to someone, that does not mean that I MUST be in love with that person. Conversely just because I love a person does not mean that I MUST be attracted to them. I agree with the tone of your post. one should never be cruel in describing anothers appearance. I would however think out what you are going to post a bit more before you hit send message. Just my oppinion though.
I would love any insight from men... I have been married for 3 years. We only knew each other for 1 month before we got married. Prior to marriage, sex was good. Post marriage, sex life has been close to non-existent since honeymoon. My husband claims that it is because of the weight I put on. It is true that I was quite athletic when we got married, then a few months later, I put on a little weight; then more. I find it hard to believe; I mean, I understand that it could be a factor, but to not have any sex at all; I have such a hard time accepting it and it hurts me so much to think that my husband wouldn't find me attractive enough for sex: he pretty much told me that the fat grosses him out.
Here are the pics for you to judge:
The first one is before marriage. Second is on honeymoon (when the lack of sex started) and the last pic is me now.
I think you are hot in all 3 pics. I love curvy women, not stick figures. Best of luck to you
You look fine. Your problem is in your attitude. Be sexy. Your looks are great.
I've been married for almost a decade now and we've had our ups and down with our sex life and to me, it has more to do with my wife's lack of trying to lose weight than her weight loss. I actually came across this post looking for ways to encourage my wife to lose weight because it has affected our relationship and since I think I've just about tried everything to encourage her to cut some of the weight (almost 50lbs since marriage). Sorry, back to you, if your husband is serious about fitness and his body shows it, then in my opinion, weight gain may bother him to the point he doesn't feel like having sex...that's how I feel right now. However...and this is a big however...I saw your pics and you're not overweight and you're body hasn't grown that much. I'm talking about a complete change in body type. By the way, I've been called a knucklehead before, so my insight may not be worth much.
the more u tell her to loose waight she wont so u should start by saying how bout we join a jym to try and keep fit together and it will be fun coz were doing it together of say im going to start the gym will u come along an suport me thats wat my hubby did
I, unlike most women i think, am going to say thankyou. i am about 2st overweight and have fallen off LL but reading this has made me realise what i have been putting my poor husband through. he has told me i am too big, and i have hit the roof!! but i now realise he was worried about falling out of love with me because to be in-love with somebody there has to be a physical relationship and to have a good one of those you need to be physically attracted to each other!! aAfter reading this i have begun to realise that my poor husband is probably getting frustrated and its inspired me to stick to LL now! thank you.
You're on track. Keep up the good work.
I've read through alot of posts, here and other searches on "How do I ask my wife to lose weight?". The guys that are asking are just looking for help to address a sensitive issue about someone they love. They don't need to be bashed. Having said that. I've been married for 14 years. My wife was no skinny mini when I married her and that didn't matter. I fell in love with who she was. And she was (and is) attractive. I loved her from day one and still do. The weight is just getting to be too much! I'd say she has to weigh 250-300 lbs. It's a matter of national security so I don't know. But, it doesn't affect love. That's a given. I know she's not happy and other posts have said, 'maybe she's happy with her weigght'. I don't see that though...in anyone. She lost alot of weight a couple of years ago on Atkins and has tried to get back on it. But since Atkins has faded in popularity, it's hard to buy the products and the weight just isn't coming off. She is one of the largest women I know. When we're at my kids' baseball games, she's the largest mom. And that's not easy to say.
Enough about her..lol. I am 6'1" 190 lbs. (sorry I don't know stones or kilos) and will be 43 this summer. I try to work out about 3 times a week (but it's usually only a couple of times). I don't have a weight issue. I work out because I don't want to have an early heart attack which runs in my family and it's a good stress reduction for me. I've almost got a six-pack which I've never had so I'm excited and have generally always been a health food/ healthy lifestyle advocate. I do the cooking in my home so it is healthy because I don't want my kids to grow up like so many American kids that are fat. We don't do alot of fast food. I really try to watch it. And I try to cook Atkin-esque so she will be happy. We don't have alot of sweets in the house. Personally, I think Atkins has mentally destroyed her. So for those in the posts that have said "ask you to work out with you" that doesn't work. We've had the family memebership. I try to be a good example. She just won't get up off the couch. She expects the food to do it. This is key.
I've noticed so many women (and advertisers) focus on the food or crazy exercise equipment. But all the women do is walk and wonder why the weight's not coming off. And they're obsessed with the food even the prepackaged meals and meal plans. It's crazy! It's dumb. Look at the "Biggest Loser" TV show. Look how hard they work out. Guys work out. If the want to lose 15 lbs. they go to the gym and pump iron and it's gone. Women focus on the food and walking and wonder why men lose weight easier. It's not that it's easier women are afraid of becoming body builders so the do high reps and low weights. But at least they're trying something! My wife's not doing anything. Oh, that's wrong, she's eating eggs, bacon and cheese like crazy because that's what was on the Atkins diet. And lots of diet Dr. Pepper. I'm convinced if a doctor came out with a marshmallow diet, there would be shortages of marshmallows.
Anyway I digress but I hope you get the picture. I do love her but I think it is unfair that I work very hard to keep myself in shape and she does nothing. I think its unfair that because of my commitment and marriage vow I am stuck with a very large woman that I didn't sign on for. Plus I'm not supposed to have an affair or look at porn or anything because that would be insensitive. And it's getting harder to cope with it because I would love to hold a skinny woman again. Just to feel it. But, my upbringing won't allow an affair. But the desire is there.
Is tough love an answer? Is calling it like it is acceptable. Has any man ever just said "come on, get with the program" and had it to work. I saw one post where the guy responding said' " just get a face mask and a cup and prepare for 5000 lbs./ sq in. slap or kick in the nards."
I know this is going to rub alot of you the wrong way but I am looking for more of a response like fondant7's. The guys that are posting here are looking for help with a sensitive issue before something goes wrong. We're not looking for bashing so please be constructive. Thanks and let the bashing begin.
I am in the same predicament; my wife of 4 years does not resemble her pre-wedding form. I've tried it all:
-evaluating and re-evaluating my point of view and feelings
-broaching the issue delicately: Identifying lack of sex (due to her self-image), explaining health concerns, I opened up about my frustrations on weather I should have even brought it up for fear of hurting her feelings or possibly causing her to gain weight out of spite.
-being straight forward about how I feel and explaining how I didn't sign-on for an obese wife and that weather she thinks its shallow or not It is important to me that she try (I was even able to reference a comment I made when we first met regarding my need for her to remain thin...one that she agreed with at the time). At this time I explained that to lose weight one only needs to CONSISTENTLY burn off more calories than are being taken in.
-taking over the cooking so that I could quietly push healthy food
-offering to pay for her gym membership and providing myself as a work-out partner
-buying bikes and requesting outings
-watched for signs of depression
-buying a treadmill and placing them in front of the TV
-pointing out that our dog needs someone to walk it while I am at work
-I have told her that I understand that everyone's looks begin to fade on a long enough time line... I am
prepared for changes in her body type due to pregnancy, age and gravity. I have begun to simply request that she consistently try her best for me.
Alas...nothing comes of it. I am left to work out and eat properly alone. The machine collects dust and the dog remains sedentary when I am not there. I am in great shape but I feel torn apart inside. I feel that my concerns and efforts are for not. She still chooses sweets, overeating, and the couch over her health, our relationship's future and my physical interest in her.
I love her with all my heart. Her personality is so beautiful and she still makes me smile when we talk of other issues, however, I cannot continue to be come home to someone that has given up on herself and us. I have come to the realization that the choices which remain are few: continue to be unhappy or leave. And you know what? I am not sure I could ever leave such a beautiful personality.
First of all, I know there are worse things to struggle with in life. Alcoholism, drug abuse, extreme poverty, you name it. However, I can certainly identify with a lot of these posts. It's a relief to hear I'm not alone, and I appreciate this forum being available for my therapy, per se.
It was cool to read that a woman felt that way about her chubby hubby. I don't think there should be a double standard. It's unfortunate that some folks have attacked "dangel175" and others' comments. It's clear this is a real struggle for all of us from each end of the spectrum. The "jiggling mound of flab" description "dangel175" provided of his wife was distasteful, but just the same, I don't think it merits attack on his character.
I'm 6'0", 180 lbs and almost 30 years old. I've been married nearly seven years. My wife was a little under 150 lbs when we met, and at 5'8", she looked great!
When we were dating, I discovered that she was secretly taking a weight loss supplement called Metabolife and I was concerned. We discussed it and once I was satisfied that she didn't have an eating disorder, I figured everything was okay. Besides, it worked and I was totally attracted to her. I later found out she had struggled with her weight, which fluctuated between 135-170 lbs throughout high school, and knew I had to be sensitive to that issue. I tried to prepare myself before marriage and was convinced that I could handle some weight gain if it happened later in marriage because I knew I loved her. Besides, I think grandmothers with some meat on their bones are more endearing. I didn't realize it would be something I'd have to cope with long before grandparent age. Oh, the ignorance of a 22-year-old in love.
We got married and the honeymoon was great, but the trim body disappeared way too fast afterward. She gained over 60 lbs within the first two years of marriage. I blame the weight loss supplement and our lifestyle. We had very stressful jobs and unhealthy eating habits after getting married. We'd only see each other late at night after school and work, and we'd usually eat together. I'm not talking sweets and donuts, but normal food.
She joined a weight loss center and finally got back down to just under 200 lbs about four years into the marriage and I was so excited, I got her pregnant. She gained all the weight back in the pregnancy and struggled with gestational diabetes as well. My wife has been extremely frustrated about her appearance and weight over the majority of our marriage and it has been a horribly painful experience for her, physically and emotionally. For me, it has been a psychological strain and I long for better sex. I have struggled with feelings of resentment and guilt, wondering if God is somehow punishing me for being lustful or a shallow guy, but I know that isn't true. It's just life. I worry daily about her health. I feel angry inside. Then I feel hope for the future. We know, on the surface, how each other feels about the weight problem, but I believe the feelings haven't translated into a loss of love for each other.
We have had a gym membership for about five years and it has been a huge waste of money. I'm still working and going to school and it's rare that I have time to go, but I go a couple times a week when school is out. Her excuses for not going include being self-conscious and hating to exercise because the results are so slow to see. Money is tight, but she refuses to let me cancel the membership because she likes having the option to go.
We've wanted to continue growing our family, but she's not getting pregnant, and I think it's her weight. She's now over 250 lbs and I have encouraged her frequently to go to a doctor to get help, but she's delaying. I finally scheduled her an appointment and she canceled it behind my back. I don't know what to do. I've never threatened divorce or given any ultimatums for weight loss; however, trying to engage her on the subject has always been very difficult. She deeply resents the approach, unless I am very careful with my timing and only focused on the health issue. I believe example, support, undeviating love, and encouragement can go a long way, but a resolute determination to make the change is solely her responsibility, and there's nothing I can do about it. That being said, she won't stick to a diet if I'm eating yummy, unhealthy food in front of her; and she'll only gain more weight if she's stressed, depressed, or feeling unappreciated. It continues to be a problem, because she hasn't done much to change her situation.
It's a struggle we know we are in together, but I really want to move on. It's getting more difficult as I get closer to my 30th birthday and the days of abstinence grow longer. It's also difficult when I'm blasted each day with images of trim, attractive women all over TV and magazines.
I just hope I can stay true and she'll stay healthy enough so we can still have a happy lifelong relationship together. I can't think of anything worse than watching someone you love, slowly kill him/herself. I know I love her because I can't imagine being married to anyone else and I shutter to think of life without her. Our personalities fit so well together. I think we both know what needs to be done, it's just a matter of doing it. I hope we get there before I'm 40.