Im looking for advice on how to convince my wife to lose weight. Before we got married, she was fairly slim at 60 kilos. I always knew she liked to eat but she kept her weight under control and exercised. Since the wedding, she started eating more and stopped exercising and the result has been a stedy gain of 5-10 kilos a year. After 8 years she now weighs about 50 kilos more. She seems unconcerned and wears tight clothes that only accentuate her big tummy and rolls of fat. I do love her but find it difficult to be attracted to her when I see her jiggling mound of flab. What can i do?

the more u tell her to loose waight she wont so u should start by saying how bout we join a jym to try and keep fit together and it will be fun coz were doing it together of say im going to start the gym will u come along an suport me thats wat my hubby did

I, unlike most women i think, am going to say thankyou. i am about 2st overweight and have fallen off LL but reading this has made me realise what i have been putting my poor husband through. he has told me i am too big, and i have hit the roof!! but i now realise he was worried about falling out of love with me because to be in-love with somebody there has to be a physical relationship and to have a good one of those you need to be physically attracted to each other!! aAfter reading this i have begun to realise that my poor husband is probably getting frustrated and its inspired me to stick to LL now! thank you.

I've read through alot of posts, here and other searches on "How do I ask my wife to lose weight?". The guys that are asking are just looking for help to address a sensitive issue about someone they love. They don't need to be bashed. Having said that. I've been married for 14 years. My wife was no skinny mini when I married her and that didn't matter. I fell in love with who she was. And she was (and is) attractive. I loved her from day one and still do. The weight is just getting to be too much! I'd say she has to weigh 250-300 lbs. It's a matter of national security so I don't know. But, it doesn't affect love. That's a given. I know she's not happy and other posts have said, 'maybe she's happy with her weigght'. I don't see that though...in anyone. She lost alot of weight a couple of years ago on Atkins and has tried to get back on it. But since Atkins has faded in popularity, it's hard to buy the products and the weight just isn't coming off. She is one of the largest women I know. When we're at my kids' baseball games, she's the largest mom. And that's not easy to say.

Enough about her..lol. I am 6'1" 190 lbs. (sorry I don't know stones or kilos) and will be 43 this summer. I try to work out about 3 times a week (but it's usually only a couple of times). I don't have a weight issue. I work out because I don't want to have an early heart attack which runs in my family and it's a good stress reduction for me. I've almost got a six-pack which I've never had so I'm excited and have generally always been a health food/ healthy lifestyle advocate. I do the cooking in my home so it is healthy because I don't want my kids to grow up like so many American kids that are fat. We don't do alot of fast food. I really try to watch it. And I try to cook Atkin-esque so she will be happy. We don't have alot of sweets in the house. Personally, I think Atkins has mentally destroyed her. So for those in the posts that have said "ask you to work out with you" that doesn't work. We've had the family memebership. I try to be a good example. She just won't get up off the couch. She expects the food to do it. This is key.

I've noticed so many women (and advertisers) focus on the food or crazy exercise equipment. But all the women do is walk and wonder why the weight's not coming off. And they're obsessed with the food even the prepackaged meals and meal plans. It's crazy! It's dumb. Look at the "Biggest Loser" TV show. Look how hard they work out. Guys work out. If the want to lose 15 lbs. they go to the gym and pump iron and it's gone. Women focus on the food and walking and wonder why men lose weight easier. It's not that it's easier women are afraid of becoming body builders so the do high reps and low weights. But at least they're trying something! My wife's not doing anything. Oh, that's wrong, she's eating eggs, bacon and cheese like crazy because that's what was on the Atkins diet. And lots of diet Dr. Pepper. I'm convinced if a doctor came out with a marshmallow diet, there would be shortages of marshmallows.

Anyway I digress but I hope you get the picture. I do love her but I think it is unfair that I work very hard to keep myself in shape and she does nothing. I think its unfair that because of my commitment and marriage vow I am stuck with a very large woman that I didn't sign on for. Plus I'm not supposed to have an affair or look at porn or anything because that would be insensitive. And it's getting harder to cope with it because I would love to hold a skinny woman again. Just to feel it. But, my upbringing won't allow an affair. But the desire is there.

Is tough love an answer? Is calling it like it is acceptable. Has any man ever just said "come on, get with the program" and had it to work. I saw one post where the guy responding said' " just get a face mask and a cup and prepare for 5000 lbs./ sq in. slap or kick in the nards."

I know this is going to rub alot of you the wrong way but I am looking for more of a response like fondant7's. The guys that are posting here are looking for help with a sensitive issue before something goes wrong. We're not looking for bashing so please be constructive. Thanks and let the bashing begin.

First of all, I know there are worse things to struggle with in life. Alcoholism, drug abuse, extreme poverty, you name it. However, I can certainly identify with a lot of these posts. It's a relief to hear I'm not alone, and I appreciate this forum being available for my therapy, per se.

It was cool to read that a woman felt that way about her chubby hubby. I don't think there should be a double standard. It's unfortunate that some folks have attacked "dangel175" and others' comments. It's clear this is a real struggle for all of us from each end of the spectrum. The "jiggling mound of flab" description "dangel175" provided of his wife was distasteful, but just the same, I don't think it merits attack on his character.

I'm 6'0", 180 lbs and almost 30 years old. I've been married nearly seven years. My wife was a little under 150 lbs when we met, and at 5'8", she looked great!

When we were dating, I discovered that she was secretly taking a weight loss supplement called Metabolife and I was concerned. We discussed it and once I was satisfied that she didn't have an eating disorder, I figured everything was okay. Besides, it worked and I was totally attracted to her. I later found out she had struggled with her weight, which fluctuated between 135-170 lbs throughout high school, and knew I had to be sensitive to that issue. I tried to prepare myself before marriage and was convinced that I could handle some weight gain if it happened later in marriage because I knew I loved her. Besides, I think grandmothers with some meat on their bones are more endearing. I didn't realize it would be something I'd have to cope with long before grandparent age. Oh, the ignorance of a 22-year-old in love.

We got married and the honeymoon was great, but the trim body disappeared way too fast afterward. She gained over 60 lbs within the first two years of marriage. I blame the weight loss supplement and our lifestyle. We had very stressful jobs and unhealthy eating habits after getting married. We'd only see each other late at night after school and work, and we'd usually eat together. I'm not talking sweets and donuts, but normal food.

She joined a weight loss center and finally got back down to just under 200 lbs about four years into the marriage and I was so excited, I got her pregnant. She gained all the weight back in the pregnancy and struggled with gestational diabetes as well. My wife has been extremely frustrated about her appearance and weight over the majority of our marriage and it has been a horribly painful experience for her, physically and emotionally. For me, it has been a psychological strain and I long for better sex. I have struggled with feelings of resentment and guilt, wondering if God is somehow punishing me for being lustful or a shallow guy, but I know that isn't true. It's just life. I worry daily about her health. I feel angry inside. Then I feel hope for the future. We know, on the surface, how each other feels about the weight problem, but I believe the feelings haven't translated into a loss of love for each other.

We have had a gym membership for about five years and it has been a huge waste of money. I'm still working and going to school and it's rare that I have time to go, but I go a couple times a week when school is out. Her excuses for not going include being self-conscious and hating to exercise because the results are so slow to see. Money is tight, but she refuses to let me cancel the membership because she likes having the option to go.

We've wanted to continue growing our family, but she's not getting pregnant, and I think it's her weight. She's now over 250 lbs and I have encouraged her frequently to go to a doctor to get help, but she's delaying. I finally scheduled her an appointment and she canceled it behind my back. I don't know what to do. I've never threatened divorce or given any ultimatums for weight loss; however, trying to engage her on the subject has always been very difficult. She deeply resents the approach, unless I am very careful with my timing and only focused on the health issue. I believe example, support, undeviating love, and encouragement can go a long way, but a resolute determination to make the change is solely her responsibility, and there's nothing I can do about it. That being said, she won't stick to a diet if I'm eating yummy, unhealthy food in front of her; and she'll only gain more weight if she's stressed, depressed, or feeling unappreciated. It continues to be a problem, because she hasn't done much to change her situation.

It's a struggle we know we are in together, but I really want to move on. It's getting more difficult as I get closer to my 30th birthday and the days of abstinence grow longer. It's also difficult when I'm blasted each day with images of trim, attractive women all over TV and magazines.

I just hope I can stay true and she'll stay healthy enough so we can still have a happy lifelong relationship together. I can't think of anything worse than watching someone you love, slowly kill him/herself. I know I love her because I can't imagine being married to anyone else and I shutter to think of life without her. Our personalities fit so well together. I think we both know what needs to be done, it's just a matter of doing it. I hope we get there before I'm 40.

there is an easy way to do this complement her on her looks and remind her what she looked like by showing pictures and saying how much you loved her shape back then when she sees her old pictures it will get her thinking and also try to tell her in a gentle way about her health which may also be affected by her extra weight

Why dont you buy a book that teaches her how to chose healthy foods?
There is a good one t: "IntenseDF fighting the free radicals".

This is a very good book about how to lead a simple healthy life style. In many chapters the book explains how to build a healthy and slimming diet.

You could consider this as a diet-book in disguise. You could pretend that you bought it for the advices on how to lead a healthy life-style and maybe she could get hooked up with the diet without realising it.

I think this could be a gentle way to tempt her to start a healthy life style (with consequent weight loss) without telling her directly that she has to go on a diet.

Hope this will help you. Good luck!!!

I was cleaning out my e-mail and came across this thread and decided to provide an update. Unfortunately, it is not good... After first posting this, we did talk and she did try dieting but it only lasted about a month or so. After that, it was as if we had never talked and I figured it wasn't worth the unhappiness that had accompanied the diet. I don't know how much she weighs now but it is noticeably more than before and the clothes she wore 2 years ago are stored away becasue I'm sure they don't fit.

I've read through the thread... i know it's kind of old... but heck

Summary
1) Wife is overweight
2) She's not willing to change
3) The husband still loves the wife. Can't resolve this one single issue. BUT STILL LOVES HER.
4) Wife will not do what the husband desires because she loves him? Doesn't show much respect to his desires
5) We aren't saying this with malicious intent... we are trying to SUPPORT 100%, be kind, and find a solution.

Solution:

1) So far it's just been arguements on :
-If she is happy then don't ruin it for her.
-Men are shallow. vs Men's desires
-It's not fair to the husband for the wife to be able to gain this much weight and change.

2) So how do we help our wives?? Solutions please... suggestions please

I am currently in the same exact situation. My whole life attraction has been the first most important thing when meeting someone, because how would you ever become intersted if you didn't find any attraction there to begin with(before you start talking and getting to know them)? My wife is not fat, she has just gained some weight. I have totally made the mistake of telling her that it bothers me and sometimes I'm not attracted at all. This is causing so many problems in our marraige/sex-life/and just communication in general. I have tried to do nothing but rebuild her since, but to no avail. I don't know what to do now. I find myself searching for the answer. I guess there really isn't a "correct answer" She definately eats healthier, but is losing no weight. We even walk and do moderate exercise from time to time. I am naturally thin which makes her feel bigger anyway. For some reason there is no results. I try to ignore it, but it is killing me. I am a visual person by nature. I've even tried praying that God will take my shallowness away from me.

A woman of 110 kilos is clinically obese. That's beyond the point of aesthetics -- she needs to lose weight for the sake of her survival, period.

At one point I was about 40 pounds overweight. Needless to say, I was less attractive to women. Obviously, by the standards of some of the women posting here, the entire female gender must be utterly superficial, because they didn't choose to see the "real" me. Instead they rightly saw the person I chose to be, which was a fat person.

It got to the point where friends would make comments about it. I'm glad and grateful that they did. I needed to lose the weight, and I did. I would fully expect any woman I was with to care if my weight doubled, and to say something about it.

The women posting here calling this man a boor or a chauvanist obviously have psychological issues of their own if they believe that obesity is something that should be ignored.

Being obese is your right -- as is being a drug addict, or any other pathological condition. But other people have rights, too -- including the right to say something about it, and even the right to move on if the other person refuses to listen.

there seems to be a double standard, we women can say anything to men and go off them if they gain weight, but if men say the same to us we get all offended. however, how you phrase it is VERY important!!! Rather than saying 'you're fat, you need to diet' try saying 'as you may be aware, we've BOTH put on some comfort weight since we got married, and whilst it's nice to have a bit extra to have ahold of i think we both may have a shortened life expectancy because of it/can't do everything we want to/have noticed we're both more tired and unable to be as active (in the bedroom) as usual. And how's about we both(both should be used alot, NEVER refer to it just being her EVER you will be in deep ... otherwise)try and tone up abit/get more healthy, it's not about loosing weight or that i don't find you attractive, but i want us to both be healthy so we are able to grow old together that should help.

Dangel,
First of all, I appreciate the situation you're in. It's one many men have to face, and one I've faced, and honestly we're not well equipped to deal with it. Here's my advice, for what it's worth, on the subject.

Let me start by saying this: You can't convince your wife to lose weight. Weight is a HUGE control issue for women. It's the big red button in the middle of the control panel, and it has a sign over it saying "DO NOT HIT THIS BUTTON". When she decides she wants to deal with it, she will deal with it. Until then, it's probably best to love and support her the best way you know how.

My wife currently ways about 150Kg (I'm not sure what it is exactly, since it's apparently a matter of national security). Her Doctor is telling her to lose weight. Her joints and feet are telling her to lose weight. The multi-billion dollar ad industry is telling her to lose weight. Random insensitive pedestrians are telling her to lose weight. Her family have been telling her the same thing for years. She doesn't need to hear it from me. What she needs to hear from me is that I love and support her and will help in whatever way I can, when asked (and not before).

I am carrying some extra freight myself (I weigh about 90Kg) that I need to take off. So I've started working on it. I haven't asked her to join me. I haven't told her how great I feel. I haven't threatened to leave her for a skinny-mini when I get into shape. On the contrary, I've reassured her otherwise. I've just been working patiently and diligently to get my weight under control and bring it down a bit. I figured, maybe she'll join me, maybe she won't. I asked her to stash her goodies out of eyesight so I won't be tempted by them. Eventually, she joined Weight Watchers, we've put the whole house on a diet (certain naughty food things will no longer have a temporary home in our house), and she's working on it. I don't ask if she's lost weight, I don't tell her or even ask her what she should or should not be eating or doing. I don't take ownership of Her Project. It's hers, and I'm here to help. My expectation (and this is probably the hardest part) is limited to wanting her to be healthier and happier. The rest of it is up to her.

You're the type of guy that gives men a bad name!

Those here who think that a 50 kilogram weight gain is not a serious problem that needs to be referred to a medical practioner really needs to open their eyes and see the light of day. As for all of those who believe that it is more important to berate this man than to find a way to help this woman I can only hope that this never happens to you. As for an average, in the US women tend to gain roughly 5-10 kilos as they age and then tend to lose roughly half of it again when they finally become aware of their deteriorating condition 9 and probly have more time as the children get older, etc.) Put that into perspective..this woman has ginaed 5 to 10 times the average; that is a definate health risk. Any woman who gains significant weight needs to be evaluated for her health and for the health of her family. Or is it better to say nothing and watch her life be cut short and the quality of that life be compromised. I recomend professional intervention as soon as possible.

It's a tough subject. On the one hand, you should look past her looks and love her for the person who she is but on the other hand, no matter how much you love someone there has to be a physical attraction there, or it just won't work if you do not desire your partner. Like others have said, get fir together, do it with her, and if you have kids, with them too. What about booking lessons at a dance class? like salsa. That's something you could do together and get fit, maybe suprize her with it. (but not like "i've booked us some dance lessons love so you can get rid of yer jiggling fat." !) She may be totally happy with her weight, in which case you'll have to respect that she's happy with the weight she is and if you are going to say something, for heavens sake do not say it in the way you put it in this thread!

Firstly i think its out of order the amount of people saying that you have spoekn about your wife badly, you are clearly just worried about her more than anything, i used to think my friend and family were just trying to hurt me by saying i was overweight but inside i always knew that i was...i have never been keen on excersise and its been hard for me to get my ass into gear but now ive finally done it i feel great. I needed time to realise for myself how badly i looked, and i did look bad, i admitt it, but no matter how many snide comments or telling her she needs to loose weight it wont work. she needs love attention care and affection, if shes like me too shell want to do things in her own time. if she doesnt, maybe realise shes happy how she is not having to worry about her weight, you should be flattered that she feels this comfortable with you no matter how she is, just remember shes your wife and our worried about her, just dont push her.....

I maybe 19 but this is all the advice i have...hope it helps..

Tink xx

perhaps you should ask your wife to divorce you? That way she could lose around 12 stone of unpleasant fat in one fell swoop.

Sorry, couldn't resist as I felt you were a teensy bit out of order.

Peace

Kate x

Why is it that a man is a pig because he wants his wife to be attractive??? What if a man decided to stop bathing and going to work after he got married? It's pretty hard to find a wife if you don't have a job and you smell bad. Just like it's tough to find a husband if you are fat. Women bring this "skinny" expectation on themselves by staying thinner than they would normally be while they are trying to land a husband. It is really a big misrepresentation if they are not going to keep it up after they are married. I don't know what dream world some folks live in, but in reality, sex is a big part of any relationship. If you aren't physically attracted to your wife anymore because she has put on 50 lbs since the wedding, the relationship is going to suffer. It is not because men are pigs, it is because physical appearance is fundamental to human sexuality.

maybe shes happy? and only you have the problem? or maybe she could be secretly unhappy, but feels she cant talk to you so she eats more?

one big circle, why dont you ask her if she wants to be Your diet buddy? and gym buddy? do it together, dont sit there eating takeaways while she goes up the gym!

just do it together!

"jiggling mound of flab?" now that is harsh! if u love her u wont ask her to change herself if she is happy. now ask ur self do u love her for her, or do u just want a hot mama by ur side? if the answer is the"hot mama" then ur a heartless being that is derving of no one!NO ONE!!!! so i hope she will leave you and she will get the love and appreciation she deserves...coz she is deserving of someone! SOMEONE! she may be a mound of flab but at least she aint complaining about the jiggling mound of ... that she has married to her! i bet she is hot and ur just a faggot...with no mushrooms!! i hope she runs off with a hot man! wait did i hear u say "runs off" sarcasticly? ok well "wadles off with a hot man" becoz of u i am afraid!