How to convince wife to lose weight?

Im looking for advice on how to convince my wife to lose weight. Before we got married, she was fairly slim at 60 kilos. I always knew she liked to eat but she kept her weight under control and exercised...

Frustrated and becoming distant and depressed

Tahdah,

I am in the same predicament; my wife of 4 years does not resemble her pre-wedding form. I've tried it all:

-evaluating and re-evaluating my point of view and feelings

-remaining silent

-broaching the issue delicately: Identifying lack of sex (due to her self-image), explaining health concerns, I opened up about my frustrations on weather I should have even brought it up for fear of hurting her feelings or possibly causing her to gain weight out of spite.

-being straight forward about how I feel and explaining how I didn't sign-on for an obese wife and that weather she thinks its shallow or not It is important to me that she try (I was even able to reference a comment I made when we first met regarding my need for her to remain thin...one that she agreed with at the time). At this time I explained that to lose weight one only needs to CONSISTENTLY burn off more calories than are being taken in.

-taking over the cooking so that I could quietly push healthy food

-offering to pay for her gym membership and providing myself as a work-out partner

-buying bikes and requesting outings

-watched for signs of depression

-buying a treadmill and placing them in front of the TV

-pointing out that our dog needs someone to walk it while I am at work

-I have told her that I understand that everyone's looks begin to fade on a long enough time line... I am
prepared for changes in her body type due to pregnancy, age and gravity. I have begun to simply request that she consistently try her best for me.

Alas...nothing comes of it. I am left to work out and eat properly alone. The machine collects dust and the dog remains sedentary when I am not there. I am in great shape but I feel torn apart inside. I feel that my concerns and efforts are for not. She still chooses sweets, overeating, and the couch over her health, our relationship's future and my physical interest in her.

I love her with all my heart. Her personality is so beautiful and she still makes me smile when we talk of other issues, however, I cannot continue to be come home to someone that has given up on herself and us. I have come to the realization that the choices which remain are few: continue to be unhappy or leave. And you know what? I am not sure I could ever leave such a beautiful personality.

Have patience

First of all, I know there are worse things to struggle with in life. Alcoholism, drug abuse, extreme poverty, you name it. However, I can certainly identify with a lot of these posts. It's a relief to hear I'm not alone, and I appreciate this forum being available for my therapy, per se.

It was cool to read that a woman felt that way about her chubby hubby. I don't think there should be a double standard. It's unfortunate that some folks have attacked "dangel175" and others' comments. It's clear this is a real struggle for all of us from each end of the spectrum. The "jiggling mound of flab" description "dangel175" provided of his wife was distasteful, but just the same, I don't think it merits attack on his character.

I'm 6'0", 180 lbs and almost 30 years old. I've been married nearly seven years. My wife was a little under 150 lbs when we met, and at 5'8", she looked great!

When we were dating, I discovered that she was secretly taking a weight loss supplement called Metabolife and I was concerned. We discussed it and once I was satisfied that she didn't have an eating disorder, I figured everything was okay. Besides, it worked and I was totally attracted to her. I later found out she had struggled with her weight, which fluctuated between 135-170 lbs throughout high school, and knew I had to be sensitive to that issue. I tried to prepare myself before marriage and was convinced that I could handle some weight gain if it happened later in marriage because I knew I loved her. Besides, I think grandmothers with some meat on their bones are more endearing. I didn't realize it would be something I'd have to cope with long before grandparent age. Oh, the ignorance of a 22-year-old in love.

We got married and the honeymoon was great, but the trim body disappeared way too fast afterward. She gained over 60 lbs within the first two years of marriage. I blame the weight loss supplement and our lifestyle. We had very stressful jobs and unhealthy eating habits after getting married. We'd only see each other late at night after school and work, and we'd usually eat together. I'm not talking sweets and donuts, but normal food.

She joined a weight loss center and finally got back down to just under 200 lbs about four years into the marriage and I was so excited, I got her pregnant. She gained all the weight back in the pregnancy and struggled with gestational diabetes as well. My wife has been extremely frustrated about her appearance and weight over the majority of our marriage and it has been a horribly painful experience for her, physically and emotionally. For me, it has been a psychological strain and I long for better sex. I have struggled with feelings of resentment and guilt, wondering if God is somehow punishing me for being lustful or a shallow guy, but I know that isn't true. It's just life. I worry daily about her health. I feel angry inside. Then I feel hope for the future. We know, on the surface, how each other feels about the weight problem, but I believe the feelings haven't translated into a loss of love for each other.

We have had a gym membership for about five years and it has been a huge waste of money. I'm still working and going to school and it's rare that I have time to go, but I go a couple times a week when school is out. Her excuses for not going include being self-conscious and hating to exercise because the results are so slow to see. Money is tight, but she refuses to let me cancel the membership because she likes having the option to go.

We've wanted to continue growing our family, but she's not getting pregnant, and I think it's her weight. She's now over 250 lbs and I have encouraged her frequently to go to a doctor to get help, but she's delaying. I finally scheduled her an appointment and she canceled it behind my back. I don't know what to do. I've never threatened divorce or given any ultimatums for weight loss; however, trying to engage her on the subject has always been very difficult. She deeply resents the approach, unless I am very careful with my timing and only focused on the health issue. I believe example, support, undeviating love, and encouragement can go a long way, but a resolute determination to make the change is solely her responsibility, and there's nothing I can do about it. That being said, she won't stick to a diet if I'm eating yummy, unhealthy food in front of her; and she'll only gain more weight if she's stressed, depressed, or feeling unappreciated. It continues to be a problem, because she hasn't done much to change her situation.

It's a struggle we know we are in together, but I really want to move on. It's getting more difficult as I get closer to my 30th birthday and the days of abstinence grow longer. It's also difficult when I'm blasted each day with images of trim, attractive women all over TV and magazines.

I just hope I can stay true and she'll stay healthy enough so we can still have a happy lifelong relationship together. I can't think of anything worse than watching someone you love, slowly kill him/herself. I know I love her because I can't imagine being married to anyone else and I shutter to think of life without her. Our personalities fit so well together. I think we both know what needs to be done, it's just a matter of doing it. I hope we get there before I'm 40.

There is an answer...really

To everyone out there,
I would like to state for the record that I am a married male age 49 living in the states.
I have always struggled with the perception of my weight. Even when I was slim I thought of myself as overweight. I have never done the binge/purge thing and I have only tried "dieting" twice in my life, both times I was successful in reaching my goal weight. Once I attained my goal however I maintaned it for about an hour...before I started abusing food again. Over the years I have put on an average of 10-20 pounds per year. Somone stated (forgive me for not knowing the username) that there are worse things than being fat, like being an alcoholic or a drug user. I would like to say that I personally am addicted to food! I use it when I am: stressed out, angry, nervous, sad, bored, in uncomfortable social situations, and on the flip side, I use it to show love to my family and when I am happy or celebrating. It may be that your spouse has the same addiction. I am not saying that you should let someone be obese, however if you can convince them that they may have an addiction to food perhaps this is a good way to go. I was introduced to a twelve step program akin to Alcoholics Anonymous called "Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous" This program has saved not only my marriage but my life. I am 6'5" tall and weighed in at about 425 pounds. I joined "FA" about 75 days ago and have litterally lost 88 pound as of yesterday morning. In answer to the statement made in an earlier post (again I do not know the username... sorry) It has been scientifically proven that men actually do lose weight faster than women. HOWEVER, that being said I personally know of women who have lost upwards of 100 pounds in just over a year. Let me say this right up front... there is a lot of food to eat. One does not go hungry in this program! There are some things to ge used to in the beginning, and I have only been in the program for 75 days but I know people who have been in the program for years and have maintained their goal wieght. It is a simple program. Visit their website and see for yourself. "http://www.foodaddicts.org/" The beauty of this program is that one gets so much more out of it than simply weight loss. This program offers a lifestyle change, a perspective change and an outlook for the future change, but above all it gives you hope and a promise of living in a normal sized body if you follow the program.
As for how to convince your spouse to lose the weight in the first place... I have no idea. I am here in the hopes of finding that information myself. See my wife was thin when we married and now weighs in at about 225 pounds and is 5'9" tall. Admittedly we put on the weight together. Job changes, quitting both alcohol and ciggarettes all have added to the stresses of life. Again how I would deal with stress was to eat, my wife saw that behavior and followed suit I love my wife with all of my heart and soul and would never do or say anything to hurt her. I, like others here, would find my spouse more attractive if she lost some weight. I do not have the unreal expectations (or desire) to see my wife as thin as the models on runways or commercials. I feel that is as unhealthy as being overweight. I have made strides toward a new future... I only hope that through my example she will come along as well.

Hi ya

there is an easy way to do this complement her on her looks and remind her what she looked like by showing pictures and saying how much you loved her shape back then when she sees her old pictures it will get her thinking and also try to tell her in a gentle way about her health which may also be affected by her extra weight

Try with a book

Why dont you buy a book that teaches her how to chose healthy foods?
There is a good one t: "IntenseDF fighting the free radicals".

This is a very good book about how to lead a simple healthy life style. In many chapters the book explains how to build a healthy and slimming diet.

You could consider this as a diet-book in disguise. You could pretend that you bought it for the advices on how to lead a healthy life-style and maybe she could get hooked up with the diet without realising it.

I think this could be a gentle way to tempt her to start a healthy life style (with consequent weight loss) without telling her directly that she has to go on a diet.

Hope this will help you. Good luck!!!

Update

I was cleaning out my e-mail and came across this thread and decided to provide an update. Unfortunately, it is not good... After first posting this, we did talk and she did try dieting but it only lasted about a month or so. After that, it was as if we had never talked and I figured it wasn't worth the unhappiness that had accompanied the diet. I don't know how much she weighs now but it is noticeably more than before and the clothes she wore 2 years ago are stored away becasue I'm sure they don't fit.

So a solution

I've read through the thread... i know it's kind of old... but heck

Summary
1) Wife is overweight
2) She's not willing to change
3) The husband still loves the wife. Can't resolve this one single issue. BUT STILL LOVES HER.
4) Wife will not do what the husband desires because she loves him? Doesn't show much respect to his desires
5) We aren't saying this with malicious intent... we are trying to SUPPORT 100%, be kind, and find a solution.

Solution:

1) So far it's just been arguements on :
-If she is happy then don't ruin it for her.
-Men are shallow. vs Men's desires
-It's not fair to the husband for the wife to be able to gain this much weight and change.

2) So how do we help our wives?? Solutions please... suggestions please

"how to convince wife to lose weight?"

I am currently in the same exact situation. My whole life attraction has been the first most important thing when meeting someone, because how would you ever become intersted if you didn't find any attraction there to begin with(before you start talking and getting to know them)? My wife is not fat, she has just gained some weight. I have totally made the mistake of telling her that it bothers me and sometimes I'm not attracted at all. This is causing so many problems in our marraige/sex-life/and just communication in general. I have tried to do nothing but rebuild her since, but to no avail. I don't know what to do now. I find myself searching for the answer. I guess there really isn't a "correct answer" She definately eats healthier, but is losing no weight. We even walk and do moderate exercise from time to time. I am naturally thin which makes her feel bigger anyway. For some reason there is no results. I try to ignore it, but it is killing me. I am a visual person by nature. I've even tried praying that God will take my shallowness away from me.

Some of these responses are absurd.

A woman of 110 kilos is clinically obese. That's beyond the point of aesthetics -- she needs to lose weight for the sake of her survival, period.

At one point I was about 40 pounds overweight. Needless to say, I was less attractive to women. Obviously, by the standards of some of the women posting here, the entire female gender must be utterly superficial, because they didn't choose to see the "real" me. Instead they rightly saw the person I chose to be, which was a fat person.

It got to the point where friends would make comments about it. I'm glad and grateful that they did. I needed to lose the weight, and I did. I would fully expect any woman I was with to care if my weight doubled, and to say something about it.

The women posting here calling this man a boor or a chauvanist obviously have psychological issues of their own if they believe that obesity is something that should be ignored.

Being obese is your right -- as is being a drug addict, or any other pathological condition. But other people have rights, too -- including the right to say something about it, and even the right to move on if the other person refuses to listen.

Tell her

there seems to be a double standard, we women can say anything to men and go off them if they gain weight, but if men say the same to us we get all offended. however, how you phrase it is VERY important!!! Rather than saying 'you're fat, you need to diet' try saying 'as you may be aware, we've BOTH put on some comfort weight since we got married, and whilst it's nice to have a bit extra to have ahold of i think we both may have a shortened life expectancy because of it/can't do everything we want to/have noticed we're both more tired and unable to be as active (in the bedroom) as usual. And how's about we both(both should be used alot, NEVER refer to it just being her EVER you will be in deep ... otherwise)try and tone up abit/get more healthy, it's not about loosing weight or that i don't find you attractive, but i want us to both be healthy so we are able to grow old together that should help.

Advice from a fellow loving hubby

Dangel,
First of all, I appreciate the situation you're in. It's one many men have to face, and one I've faced, and honestly we're not well equipped to deal with it. Here's my advice, for what it's worth, on the subject.

Let me start by saying this: You can't convince your wife to lose weight. Weight is a HUGE control issue for women. It's the big red button in the middle of the control panel, and it has a sign over it saying "DO NOT HIT THIS BUTTON". When she decides she wants to deal with it, she will deal with it. Until then, it's probably best to love and support her the best way you know how.

My wife currently ways about 150Kg (I'm not sure what it is exactly, since it's apparently a matter of national security). Her Doctor is telling her to lose weight. Her joints and feet are telling her to lose weight. The multi-billion dollar ad industry is telling her to lose weight. Random insensitive pedestrians are telling her to lose weight. Her family have been telling her the same thing for years. She doesn't need to hear it from me. What she needs to hear from me is that I love and support her and will help in whatever way I can, when asked (and not before).

I am carrying some extra freight myself (I weigh about 90Kg) that I need to take off. So I've started working on it. I haven't asked her to join me. I haven't told her how great I feel. I haven't threatened to leave her for a skinny-mini when I get into shape. On the contrary, I've reassured her otherwise. I've just been working patiently and diligently to get my weight under control and bring it down a bit. I figured, maybe she'll join me, maybe she won't. I asked her to stash her goodies out of eyesight so I won't be tempted by them. Eventually, she joined Weight Watchers, we've put the whole house on a diet (certain naughty food things will no longer have a temporary home in our house), and she's working on it. I don't ask if she's lost weight, I don't tell her or even ask her what she should or should not be eating or doing. I don't take ownership of Her Project. It's hers, and I'm here to help. My expectation (and this is probably the hardest part) is limited to wanting her to be healthier and happier. The rest of it is up to her.

Whatever she weighs, she deserves better than you!

You're the type of guy that gives men a bad name!

What is needed is clear thought, not emotion.

Those here who think that a 50 kilogram weight gain is not a serious problem that needs to be referred to a medical practioner really needs to open their eyes and see the light of day. As for all of those who believe that it is more important to berate this man than to find a way to help this woman I can only hope that this never happens to you. As for an average, in the US women tend to gain roughly 5-10 kilos as they age and then tend to lose roughly half of it again when they finally become aware of their deteriorating condition 9 and probly have more time as the children get older, etc.) Put that into perspective..this woman has ginaed 5 to 10 times the average; that is a definate health risk. Any woman who gains significant weight needs to be evaluated for her health and for the health of her family. Or is it better to say nothing and watch her life be cut short and the quality of that life be compromised. I recomend professional intervention as soon as possible.

...

It's a tough subject. On the one hand, you should look past her looks and love her for the person who she is but on the other hand, no matter how much you love someone there has to be a physical attraction there, or it just won't work if you do not desire your partner. Like others have said, get fir together, do it with her, and if you have kids, with them too. What about booking lessons at a dance class? like salsa. That's something you could do together and get fit, maybe suprize her with it. (but not like "i've booked us some dance lessons love so you can get rid of yer jiggling fat." !) She may be totally happy with her weight, in which case you'll have to respect that she's happy with the weight she is and if you are going to say something, for heavens sake do not say it in the way you put it in this thread!

He's just worried about his wife?? he's asking for your help, not abuse or rude comments.

Firstly i think its out of order the amount of people saying that you have spoekn about your wife badly, you are clearly just worried about her more than anything, i used to think my friend and family were just trying to hurt me by saying i was overweight but inside i always knew that i was...i have never been keen on excersise and its been hard for me to get my ass into gear but now ive finally done it i feel great. I needed time to realise for myself how badly i looked, and i did look bad, i admitt it, but no matter how many snide comments or telling her she needs to loose weight it wont work. she needs love attention care and affection, if shes like me too shell want to do things in her own time. if she doesnt, maybe realise shes happy how she is not having to worry about her weight, you should be flattered that she feels this comfortable with you no matter how she is, just remember shes your wife and our worried about her, just dont push her.....

I maybe 19 but this is all the advice i have...hope it helps..

Tink xx

Um...

perhaps you should ask your wife to divorce you? That way she could lose around 12 stone of unpleasant fat in one fell swoop.

Sorry, couldn't resist as I felt you were a teensy bit out of order.

Peace

Kate x

Double standard

Why is it that a man is a pig because he wants his wife to be attractive??? What if a man decided to stop bathing and going to work after he got married? It's pretty hard to find a wife if you don't have a job and you smell bad. Just like it's tough to find a husband if you are fat. Women bring this "skinny" expectation on themselves by staying thinner than they would normally be while they are trying to land a husband. It is really a big misrepresentation if they are not going to keep it up after they are married. I don't know what dream world some folks live in, but in reality, sex is a big part of any relationship. If you aren't physically attracted to your wife anymore because she has put on 50 lbs since the wedding, the relationship is going to suffer. It is not because men are pigs, it is because physical appearance is fundamental to human sexuality.

Maybe

maybe shes happy? and only you have the problem? or maybe she could be secretly unhappy, but feels she cant talk to you so she eats more?

one big circle, why dont you ask her if she wants to be Your diet buddy? and gym buddy? do it together, dont sit there eating takeaways while she goes up the gym!

just do it together!

Fat wife?!

"jiggling mound of flab?" now that is harsh! if u love her u wont ask her to change herself if she is happy. now ask ur self do u love her for her, or do u just want a hot mama by ur side? if the answer is the"hot mama" then ur a heartless being that is derving of no one!NO ONE!!!! so i hope she will leave you and she will get the love and appreciation she deserves...coz she is deserving of someone! SOMEONE! she may be a mound of flab but at least she aint complaining about the jiggling mound of ... that she has married to her! i bet she is hot and ur just a faggot...with no mushrooms!! i hope she runs off with a hot man! wait did i hear u say "runs off" sarcasticly? ok well "wadles off with a hot man" becoz of u i am afraid!

Yes!!

From your comment you may be a little sensitive of this topic