Pregnant but feeling like i don't want my baby

Hi, sorry I had no idea which section to post this in.
Please don't judge me but I could really do with some advice.

I'm 26 weeks pregnant & found out I was expecting my baby, a week after my boyfriend (father of the baby) and I split up. He hasn't shown any great interest but we've had the odd few times since we split where he's said he still had feelings and wanted to get back together - the last time was a couple of months ago, and he changed his mind 2 days later after a minor row. I haven't had any positive feelings towards the baby at all since I first found out I was pregnant (and just typing that makes me feel so ashamed).

I've tried picturing myself in a few weeks or a few months - and even when the baby's much older - to see how life would be, and I just get this overwhelming feeling that I don't want it. I was never one for going out every night clubbing or drinking before I got pregnant anyway, but I just feel like I don't want to have to take care of a baby at my age (I'm 23); I dont want to have to change it, or feed it...everything I imagine doing, baby-wise just makes me feel depressed, then I feel guilty because the baby doesnt deserve a mum that feels like this about him. It's not his fault that he had irresponsible parents that should really have thought things through thoroughly before conceiving him. We talked about having a baby and both wanted it at the time, but we'd only been together for 4-5 months so it was stupid of us to even be considering starting a family so early in the relationship. I want to add though, ever since I was about 14 I've always thought I wanted kids. I've got 4 younger brothers and sisters that I loved helping look after, and always saw myself having a family, so I can't understand why I'm feeling this way now I finally am pregnant.

I thought it was the situation with my ex that was making me feel this way, and the fact I'm going to be a single mum. I still have feelings for my ex and he recently said he definitely doesn't ever want to get back together (and we couldn't anyway, because his family now hate me). He's got 3 sons aged 17,19 and 18 months that he never sees but this week he's been saying he's trying to change. The 2 older boys have moved away but he saw the youngest one twice last week and says he's going to continue being a part of his life.
He also says he wants to be involved with my baby, come to my next scan (I have a 4D scan booked for the 19th June), be at the birth and he'd like us to try and stay friends so he can be as involved with the baby as possible; but even though I've been waiting for my ex to say this for ages, now he's said what I wanted to hear all this time I don't think it's what I want.
I don't think I'll be able to handle being 'just friends' with my ex, and having to take the baby round to his place to see his dad for a few hours...at the moment I can't even imagine spending time with my ex as friends. Everytime we talk and start getting on well, I miss us being together as a couple and it just depresses me, so I'll start an argument (figuring it's easier for me to 'hate' my ex, than for us to be getting on). Then I feel awful, because I'm being so selfish. My baby deserves to be able to see his father and I'd be stopping him because it'd be too difficult for me to handle.

I'm also getting slight jealousy feelings towards my exes other son and his mother. The mother and my ex get on well even though they barely see each other and the other day my ex said talking to her was better than talking to his family (which was a big thing for him to say, because he's so close to his family). I, on the other hand, am the worst relationship he's ever been in (he said those exact words to me a few days ago) and I can't help but think that once this little one is born, his elder son by the 'perfect ex' will come out on top - how will he have time to see both children equally? He works weird hours as it is (2pm-00.45, 5 days a week, Sunday is his day off and he works 6am-2 or 4pm on Mondays), so seeing one baby regularly would be difficult enough.

I don't want to end up resenting this baby and at the moment, I'm trying to 'get into' the idea of bringing up a child; I've even been looking at baby websites and buying a few clothes but everytime I do I just can't get into it, and end up either being really uninterested in what I'm trying to do, or bursting into tears!

Could it be I'm just not ready for a baby, or could it be something more serious like depression? The doctors at my local surgery are Asian and were very disapproving when they found out I was pregnant and unmarried, so I don't feel like I can talk to them about this. My mum accused me of being uncaring when I tried to talk about my feelings and there isn't really anyone else I can confide in.

Understandable-but!!

Every woman goes through so very many emotions about being pregnant and having a baby and every single one of those emotions is totally normal!! As an individual you are entitled to be different and have different wants and that may not include a baby!! No one who does not want a child should feel wrong for feeling that way however--here is where the BUT comes in!! The choice we make once it's too late and were pregnant and a life is growing inside us does NOT affect just us- Terminating a pregnancy is a touchy subject for most people-myself included-I personally feel that anyone considering abortion should do a very fair amount of research about the whole process and if after truly knowing what it includes maybe it would change your mind on your real options. I have done this research and was shocked at the reality of what is done and cannot be undone. When you consider that a premature baby can be born at 22 weeks and live do you consider it a baby with feelings? Is it only a baby with real feelings because it's now outside of your body? Now when I say feelings do not misunderstand I don't mean emotional I mean physical. At what point do we actually say it's too late and although I do not want a baby I will find a family who does and this situation although not ideal can have an outcome that doesn't make me question if I should be considered a murderer?.
Please understand that I am not judging or trying to make anyone feel bad I am simply being truthful to the facts that once learned CANNOT ever be ignored or forgotten. I spent more time finding out about this topic than most people would be able to stomach knowing and seeing. I know the reality of abortions to be a brutal and horrific injustice to lives of babies who's voices cannot be heard simply because they are not given the chance to be. I have a problem with the methods of abortion and the fact that no consideration for the fetus's pain is ever taken into consideration. Please Please if abortion is ever something you would consider RESEARCH!!! Find out the facts-the real facts of what, why, and how, and see if it's still an option for you.

i thought i was the only one who felt this way- sign of relief!

I am 12 weeks pregnant, I have been up and down like a yo-yo. I fell pregnant last year on the pill, and despite changing the type of pill the same has occurred quite unexpectedly over the Summer. I can't explain how resentful I am feeling about this baby, yet I know that if I abort I will never forgive myself or allow myself to have a family. My partner and I are still together, but I know as he is slighly older and not at University like me that all he wanted was a child. I think I am scared of losing him if I decide I can't go through with this pregnancy. His family seem to be telling everyone and I am not even sure the baby is ok. I am having no feelings of excitement about this child- I know what I am losing and possibly what I will lose forever. I think possibly this has something to do with guilt from the abortion last year... which was never helped by the comments from my partner which I really took to heart. I just don't know what to do with myself... my law degree and career look just like a dream. As for my part-time job, I think telling my employers is going to make things awful. Maybe I am selfish but my partner does not earn enough to support a child if I lose my work.

Feeing same

all i just wanted to say thank you for your posts. i too feel the same, 15 wks gone, no excitement at all, convinced im making a big mistake, its the end of my life, freedom and independance. i feel trapped, lonely, hate the baby for making me fat and resent it already. in fact im finding it very hard to think of it as a baby and even harder to think its actually in me. i have never wanted kids and got pregnant accidentally, doc told me i was too old and couldnt, im 41 and been married 1 yr for the first time. im going through the motions but with no enthusiasm, dont want to tell anyone, feel empbarrassed and depressed. thought i might get into it as time went by but that hasnt happened, now wonder if i shouldnt have an abortion but is v late. am scared i wont like it when its born and it will ruin my life. am already horrible about it when i talk about it now. anyway just wanted to share that age doesnt seem to matter wecan all feel like we dont want our children whatever our circumstances. but it is sopainful as i guess like me youd all love to be all smiley about it and looking forward to it and not thinking all the time i wish it would just go away. am sincerely hoping things get better!

I can admit i feel the same as you

Hi, i didnt have the guts to write to any one about this and i fear any one i knew might be ashamed with me if i told them, so thank you

Im 22 and 16 weeks pregnant with my first child. I did have a partner but i left him for other reasons so like you, im on my own.

For a couple of months i have been feeling like i dont want to have a baby any more. I could never have gone threw with abortion and i didnt want that at the beginning and i dont now. I breifly looked into adoption but thats not for me either.

I know i would love and look after my child but i feel like i have lost everything i had, i had such a wonderful life going on and good friends around me. I feel like i dont fit in with any of them any more and that my lifes goals have vannished. Its like while im pregnant i am only existing rather than living. That sounds so depressing the way ive written it but i dont know how else to say it.

Ive never been a baby person, im a bit of a tom boy i suppose so that probably doesnt help matters. I dont like feeling like this and i pray to the god of gods that when its born i will feel differently. Like you , i worry il resent it like i do in a way now. It sounds terrible. My eyes are full of tears as i write this.

My sister told me that once the baby is in your arms nothing else is important and everything will make sence all of a sudden. I keep my fingers and heart crossed for both of us.

M
x
22, scotland

firstly u should not be made to feel like u cannot talk to anyone at ur local surgery. everyone is entitled to their own opinions,but they should listen to u and give u neutral advice.
I know how u are feeling. i am 27 years old and i am about 23 weeks pregnant. i have a lovely and supportive fiance,i also have 3 daughters already(the youngest is only a few weeks shy of her first b'day). my partner was thrilled when we found out i was pregnant whereas i was upset. i cried for days after i had done the test and i felt scared. even though i never wanted this baby i was adamant that i would not go thru with an abortion(even though i sometimes wish i had).whenever i try to buy baby clothes,i too feel like crying or have no interest in doing it.

ur not alone in all this,there are so many women out there who feel this same way. a counsellor can be a great source of support and i find it easier to confide in someone who is not a friend or relative. i promise u that there will be someone willing to listen to u!

Youre not the only one

I find it strange that everyone who has written has been around the same age. im 22, 17weeks pregnant, and i am terrified of having this baby. Some days i try to get myself amped up for it, look at baby books or buy clothes but i am never really that excited. I mean its a nice thought having a cute baby around the house, but i always looked at the big picture. KIds will get older, and expensive. I can barealy take care of myself and now I have to take on another person and these thoughts make me so anxious and raises my anxiety. I dont want to abort this far along, I dont want to have him adopted and wonder about him the rest of my life. my boyfriend is 8years older than me and wants kids badly and is super excited about it but he is also the kind of person that doesnt think things through. I know that he would take care of the baby, but then that means I lose him. I feel so trapped in my choices I cant contain my emotions. I dont know what to do I havnt even told my friends or family I feel embarassed that i am even pregnant. I am not a bit party goer either but I feel like my life is going to be over as soon as this baby is born. I feel like im going to be judged by people for being a mom, I feel like my oppertunities are going to decrease, not to mention i already feel alone. I think that maybe its my hormones, that the pregnancy is giving me all these mixed emotions but on the other hand, do i really feel this way? reguardless I am terrified and hate myself for feeling like this.

I have no idel how to feel give me sum advice

im 18 and i have a nine month old son who is my intire world i could not live without him. i even have a wonderful man in my life you would be surprized. but i recently found out that i am three months pregnant (13 weeks) and i know it is horrible but i can not handle two right now im in school and my bf works third shift so he sleeps all day and is gone from 9.00 pm untill 6.00 am i would be totaly all on my own and i dont know how to share time with my son and a new baby he is so young and needs alot f attention. my mom thinks it's my bed i layed down so she told me to deal with it alone....i dnt think i wont this baby but i feel like im feel like im not being far to this baby im not giveing it a chance at life for my own selfish reasons because im already fighting for time to myself with my already born child. why do i feel this way.

I feel the same2

i am feeling the same but worse! i am even thinking suicidal thoughts because i feel so trapped and guilty by the the baby. i have like 3 weeks left and i really cant see myself loving it even though i have worked with children for 4yrs i look in the spare room with all the baby things and i feel physically sick every1 around me is always baby baby baby i feel ignored and almost jealous in some ways and when i told my fiance i was feeling like i didnt want the baby he got really upset and offended and said fine ill be a single dad. so im really stuck on what to do thats why suicide seems my only option but then what if it didnt work both me and the baby would be messed up! sorry if it makes you feel worse i just dont know where to turn.

Dont hate yourself

Hey hun

Please dont hate yourself, trust me i know how much of a horrible feeling it is. Im 26 wks pregnant with my first and i ave not been able to feel excited about the pregnancy at all. At first i was excited , then after a couple of days i was so down that i just wanted to have an abortion. I decided to keep it because deep down i do want the baby, what scares me is the birth and i guess how things will change after. But i say to myself if others have managed it so can i. Im 24 years old, was 23 at the time i found out i was preg, and if teenage girls can do this so can i.
No will will judge you for how you feel at the end of the day only you know how you feel and whats right for you. Of course the baby will grown and get older but theres so much you can do to support yourself and bubs, and to tell you the truth and i think most ladies will agree, i dont think anyone is ever financially ready to have kids, not unless your already loaded lol.

What ever decision you make, make sure its right for you. Even right now im not excited about being pregnant but still i cant wait to be walking around with a pram and everyone drooling over my baby lol

If you ever need to chat please message me

I can relate...

Hey

You know i know that you wrote this a while ago, and me being me I havent read the whole thread... i guess you are either about to have the baby, or have had it by now.

I wanted to write to you because I am feeling the exact same way as you. I am wondering if it is to do with this pregnancy? I feel the same as you. I split with my partner, and right now, we are keeping things together. He has a child by his ex also a son - and it was all perfect...

I resent that relationship, i feel exactly the same way as you. I have also regularly thought i dont want this child. Again like you, thought it isnt this childs fault that it had parents who didnt think things through properly.

We werent together that long before i got pregnant either - maybe the same length of time. Would be interested to hear how things worked out for you. I am 16 weeks pregnant and am finding it hard, I cant get into having this baby it feels surreal and not real at all. I dont feel like i have people i can talk to either as how i feel either sounds horrible - or people dont understand.

Please help me!!

I am 22 and a college student! My husband and I really would like to have some children. I am going to school to be an early education teacher cause I love children so much. We have been trying for the last 3 years and no success. I hear of people getting abortions, but how could they when there are so many people out there like me that having a child is their whole life's dream. If there is anyone out there thinking about an abortion Please Please don't do it. Or if there is anyone at all that is having a baby and don't want it Please contact me at annahuber82@yahoo.com. PLEASE I am asking people for help to full fill my dream. Thank you Amy

Hi

i know this is a late reply, how are you feeling now. I have some idea of how you feel, i broke up with my partner just before i found out i was pregnant, and it was very difficult..again i cant see myself just being friends, he seemed uninterested in the baby to begin with, and now all of a sudden wants to be involved. I dont know that i can handle it now as he how am i to trust him, to begin with he said he wanted to be involved, but has let me down at every turn, then i went months without hearing from him... I resented my baby for a while and was very depressed as i blamed it for the reason that its dad had left it. I kept thinking that i had made the wrong decision in keeping it and i hated myself for it...im ony 20 am i too youngis a thought that i often had.
After spending a while crying bout it all and getting very worked up, i changed doctors and found a lovely female doctor who was able to talk me through all my options,
she explained to me that a lot of women feel this way during pregnancy, even planned pregnancies, but that when the child is born the negative feelings dissapate, although women who had them in pregnancy are more likely to get post natal depression...by all accounts...so watch out
she also went through adoption and foster care options with me,
another valuble bit of advice she gave me, was find someone who is excited for you, and spend some time with them. As it is going to cause negative feelings and resentment when you are feeling lonely (specially when ur preparing to be a single mum), and when no one else seems to be excited for you.
there was a lot to think about
thanks to that doctor, after a few weeks things began to look up for me, i spoke to some close friends of mine and started to think about christenings etc and with my friends enthusiam becan to rub off on me and as i didnt feel so alone anymore, the depression began to ease a little, i began to realise things werent that bad, i also realised that sproglett wasnt the cause of the break up between me and its father,
I am now looking forward to having my baby.
I hope this helps a little and i also hope things are beginning to look up for you,
if u wanna chat private message me ur msn address and i will add you
good luck
becka
xxx

Pregnant and scared of the father

Hi

I hope that someone can give me some advice. I am 12 weeks pregnant and I am really scared. The father of the baby knows that I am pregnant and had sugested that i move in to his and see if we could make it work and i really had my doubts as we have been on and off for 3 years i was a bit worried that he was only doing this for the baby (but i still really loved him) and had recently been told by a memeber of his staff that he had lied to me about a lot of things and so i should be wary of him. As soon as i heard this i got really paranoid and did something stupid i checked his emails which he is very very private about and had told me a while ago when we were still together that he would hate me if i ever looked at them or his phone. still i was very worried that he couldn't be trusted.

I did find things on there a number of emails to dating/sex websites and a lot of emails to an ex the latest of which was asking to meet up with her. This one really upset me as no more than 3 days before i had asked him if i should be threatened by her (as she constantly sends him messages asking for sex and photos of herself naked despite having a boyfriend herself)and he promised that she wasn't and that he never really talks to her and she is a bit of a phsyco

So i confronted him about the emails knowing that he would probably be very angry but i was really hurt as he had lied to my face about her and a lot of other things.

He went mad and said that i had got it all wrong and that as far as he was concerned he was single and was doing nothing wrong so i asked him if he was single why did he lie and he said that he hasn't done anything wrong but i felt so betrayed as he had been saying that he was going to try and give it a go with me and the baby so i can't understand how he was going to do that if he still had this double life going on with dating/sex websites and arranging to meet up with an ex.

Anyway after i told him that i had checked his emails he went absolutely mad and said that apart from the baby he never wants to see me again and he wants me out of his life completely and that he hates me and will never give a ... about me again. He also said that if i try to stop him from seeing the baby that he will fight me for custody.

I am upset because despite everything i still had feelings for him and although i know what i did was wrong he won't admit that although he considered himself as single that if he didn't want to be with me then he should have told me the truth and said so but instead he lied about it all and made me think he wanted me!

He now refuses to see me and when he texts me to ask how we are going to handle the situation with the baby he turns it into a massive attack on me and saying what i did has ruined everything and that he hates me and i am a phsyco!

I don't know what to do or how to handle this as i don't want to stop him from seeing the baby as despite everything i think he should have the chance to have a relationship with his baby but i really don't want his ex being in my baby's life and i have no idea how to handle him as i still have feelings for him deep down and everytime he tells me that he hates me it really hurts!

Does anyone have any ideas or advice? and also let me know if i am completely stupid/out of order for what i did!

Sorry it is so long and if anyone can show me how to post this as a new thread i would appreciate it.

Hey hun

to do this as a new thread go onto the main forum bit with all the ladies posts look in top right hand corned and it says new discussion click that and type it in there, as for your situation personally id tell him to get lost id inform him of app concerning the baby and if he wanted to know it would be up to him to find out how it went on etc i wouldnt stop him seeing the baby i agree with you fully there but would also make it on your terms and also tell him hes totally out of order having a go at you whenever you speak to him and if he does want to see his baby he better buck up his ideas thats no way to speak to the mother of his child whether your still together or not take care hun xxx

Its understandable how you are feeling

I have anxieties now that I might not have done the right thing but deep down I know I have and I love my bump more than anything - see I get these anxieties and I h=am in a stable relationship. I htink you're going through a tough time of it at the moment, an unstable relationship brings anxiety but being pregnant and hormonal will just heighten these emotions. I really think you need to change doctors for a start as they are totally unreasonable putting their personal feeling onto you. I have an asian doctor and he has never once given me the impression that he disapproves despite me being unmarried. I think you might be suffering slightly from prenatal depression bought on my the environment you are in at the moment and think its best you try and get this resolved asap - is your midwife more approachable? Anxieties are perfectly normal in pregnancy, we all worry but I am sure when it comes down to it and you hold your baby for the first time you will be overcome with emotion and the love you feel. Good luck honey xxx

I'm feeling the same way!!!

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and I'm really unsure if I want this baby or not. I refuse to raise this child on my own and the father says yes one day he'll be there and than the next he claims he don't. And that's our relationship; sometimes he wants me and other times he doesn ... hurts to have this feeling about someone growing inside of you for 9 months but sometimes it's an uncontrollable feeling. All I can say to you isd what I repeat to myself everyday; Everything happens for a reason so what ever happens with you I wish you the best of luck and just know your not alone!!!

I was the same

I am 35+weeks and i was the same but i am with the dad planning a wedding but my family have dissowned me i found it so hard but i guess at about 32weeks i stated to come round i still find it hard to picture myself i want my lil boi so much but there is so much more emotions with pregnancy thatn i though, i lost a lil girl last year and fell pregnant soon afterwards and i thin it ofund it really hard ot get my head round still.

It dose get better but u need persaver i am around if u wanna talk my msn is:Brazilianna@hotmail.com xxx

No wonder

All I can say is no wonder you have mixed feelings about your pregnancy, look at what you have been through in such a short space of time?! It doesn't sound like your ex is being supportive of you and his unborn child or willing to listen to how you are feeling. Ultimately it will be down to him to form a bond with this baby and his responsibility to make contact and spend time with his baby. There's nothing to say that you have to be involved in this contact if you think that you'd find this difficult.

I think you need to find some good support, I agree with the other post that you should consider changing GP's to somewhere you are comfortable with but your midwife will be able to help. Have you any friends or other family that you feel would listen?

Not all of us our born mothers, don't be too hard on yourself, I know that I have felt very overwhelmed about my pregnancy even though it was planned.

Keep talking and give your midwife a ring.

Good Luck.

Its ok to feel like this

Firstly you need to change doctors, no doctor should show their personal feelings about such
a situation. They must get loads of people like you through their doors.

I know that midwives can help, when you go to your next ante-natal appointment talk through your problems with them, they have loads of experience and may be able to suggest some things and groups that can help.

The main thing is to keep on communicating, talk to as many people as you can, advice is free and there are some very caring people out there.

You need as much support as you can get, explain this to your mum say you need her more than ever, your in a difficult situation and you are bound to feel like this, hormones and all!

I wish you much luck, you will get through this, you just need as much help as you can get.

God bless you and may all the angels surround you with their love and light. Ask for their help too, we all have free will and they can only intervene if we ask them too.

Take it easy on yourself, you are amazing.