"Pregnant and overly sensitive! need some perspective, please help! "

My husband and I are expecting our first born baby in May next year. I am now just over 4 months pregnant, feeling really sensitive (probably hormones?!) and not very confident about the whole thing (it was unplanned, unexpected and happened on our wedding night! Get the picture?) From having so many friends who've had babies (including my own brother and sis-in-law) recently, I know that the first 2 to 3 months are going to be the most difficult and I really want all the support and help I can get.

With all that in mind, my husband and I get invited to a friend's wedding which is in June in Tuscany, less than a month from our baby's due date. He proceeds to tell me that while he understands I may not be able to go (DUH!) he's going to go because he 'has no choice'. He's already verbally told the couple that he'll 'definitely be there'. The girl getting married has been a friend of his for years... her and her family have walked all over my husband and his family, constantly made them feel like they didn't matter, took them for granted on several occasions (they're quite a selfish family), used them when opportunity struck, etc... and my husband knows all this and was aware of everything as it happened. And every time he's been upset and disappointed... yet he's leaving me alone with our newborn to attend her wedding, why?

In all of this, I can't help but feel totally and completely abandoned by him. Specially with his "I have no choice" reasoning. It reeeeally hurt me when he said that. Why does he have no choice with them, but clearly has a choice when it comes to deciding whether to stay in the UK for his wife and newborn baby?

He really is the most wonderful husband ever, has been by my side through thick and thin, and through everything since we found out I was pregnant. He got really upset when I expressed my hurt by his decision and made me seem like the bad guy for making him feel guilty for "having to go."

I guess I find it hard to understand because for me there's no such thing as having 'no choice'. We ALL have a choice. He chose them over us and that's how I see it. Maybe I'm seeing this in the wrong way? But I am feeling really hurt and abandonned by him right now. All I can think of is what i's going to be like the weekend he's away in Tuscany and I'm at home alone with a crying baby... and imagining how lonely and depressed I will feel at night as a new mom with no support around me... My in-laws live near us, but it's not the same as having the man you love with you at the beginning of your journey into parenthood. I REALLY need him to be there with me every step of the way, and yes, it's only a weekend, but that's why I don't understand why I'm feeling so hurt by all this.

If anyone out there has been through something similar, please let me know how you handled your emotions and sensitivity?

Many thanks,
Desperate to see clearly...

myself and my husband have been married nearly 2 years and im 30 weeks pregnant with our first baby. i think if my husband came out with something like that especially about about a female friend i would go nuts, but if it were the other way round i know that he would be the same. maybe you could put it to him that how does he think his friend whos getting married would fell and what she would do if it was them having the baby and you guys getting married do you think they would do the same for you?from what you've said it sounds like this woman is a total ass, a spoilt brat who has to have everything her way, do these people have loads of money or have written you into there will or something if they treat your husband and his family so rubbish why do they want to be so good in return?you sound as though you are thoughtful of your husbands feelings so i would also say if i start to treat you like crap will you stand by me instead of your friend is that what he would prefer? he needs to stand up to this girl. this is alot for you and your husband to take on like you say this wasnt planed and you havnt had alot of time to spend together after getting married. maybe you and your husband need to sit down and have a heart to heart your bound to be all over the place at the moment with hormones and i would want to know that me and our baby was what was most important. every pregnancy and birth is different so you will need him to be there with you.
all the best

It is unreasonable wanting to go away that soon after the birth. If these people were your best friends it might be worth considering but if they've been nothing but trouble why bother?
It is possible you'll be physically unable to do everything on your own particularly if the baby is late/ you need a caesarian etc.
The other thing is money is often a bit tight with a new baby around and if you have enough spare cash you should both be treating yourselves to a weekend away together when you're both up to it.
Explain how you feel and if that doesn't work hide his passport when the time comes!

MEN!!! They do seem to find it hard to say no to other people sometimes.

I can relate to u as when i was pregnant with my first my hubby had said yes to going on a bike tour with his mate, which would have been a week long after our baby was born. This really hurt me too and i couldnt understand y? He new i was hurting and i cried bout it on several occasions!

In the end he didnt go, because he knew how much it hurt me and he himself i think felt excited and didnt want to go. His friend totally understood. As anyone should.

I think the fact of constantly talking about it and getting upset made him have a change of heart.
You are right to feel as you do, and im sure your hubby knows that, give him time. Also when baby has arrived he will proberbly have a differant view on it. I think that the people who are getting married would understand and if they didnt then that is un fair on you, and their problem.

Talking is proberbly the only way, he knows how you feel and the rest is up to him.

I hope that you are able to sort things out with him, and that he understands and stays with you and sends them a wedding card and gift!!!!

Take care and loadsa hugs.
Hope its a little help hun sorry its so long.
Jan.xxxx

has ur fella tried to tell the couple who are gettingmarried that he "has no choice" and has to stay with his wife and newborn! surely they will understand? im 38+4 and whilst iv never given birth before, im sure the weeks following the birth are when we most need the support of our OH's and need them around! im sure the couple will understand!

iv been an emotional wreck for the past 7 months and dont know what id do if my fella had to go away! i really hope u can sort this out!

lots of love, laura and baby girl bump X

"Dont worry"

I am sorry you feel so upset by all this, I know how down and depressed I got through it all, and perhaps your husband doesnt quite understand how upset you feel.

I suggest he reads this, what you put down and see what he says.

Life is too short to live like this, feeling upset and not communicating your feelings to him.

Do you have family or friends who can stay with you or you stay with them if he really cant get out of this 'wedding'.

Dont ever be worried about being on your own, please dont worry and I am sure the baby wont be crying all the time. After all he or she will have who they need most with them and thats you!

You WILL make a brilliant Mum, at least you are married and you do have your health.
List all the positives in your life, and write down all the thigs you want to change and positive steps in how you can do this.

You deserve to be happy and will be happy as long as you believe you deserve to be.

You are never alone, as you have all of us support behind you and more.

Big Hugs & Best Wishes,
Natalie xxx

Sorry... can't offer much help because I haven't experenced the same thing but after reading your thread I know I would feel exactly the same if not worse. I agree with one of the other girls who has replied (sorry, can't remember name and can't go back to check!) that our husbands/partners just don't realise what's ahead of them. None of us can plan that far ahead. If you go over your due date the baby may only be a couple of weeks old at the time of the wedding. Hopefully not, but what if you have to have a cesarean -I believe you wouldn't be very active for several weeks and it takes longer to recover.

Apart from the obvious things you've said like needing the support etc which I totally agree with, I think I would also be quite selfish and think to myself why should he be allowed to go? I'm also expecting my first baby in April and know BOTH myself and husband are going to have to make huge changes ie. we can't just come and go as we please and I would hate it if my husband thought he could and leave me to look after the baby. What I mean is, if he goes out then so do I and we get a babysitter. I know I won't be able to go out or go very far in the first few months so would expect the same from my husband.

Every now and again my husband mentions us going to some concerts/festival/football matche next year but I keep having to remind him that it won't be just 'us' any more (sometimes have difficulty remembering myself!) and we'll have to wait and see....as I say we can't plan anything.

Sorry for such a long reply but I'm sure as time goes on your husband will realise that this baby is as much his responsibility and obligation as yours.

Anna (19 weeks)

never know, come time baby arrives, and see's baby he wont want to go leaving you and newborn child at all.
just bare with the "i have no choice" men know nothing, thats nothing compared hurtful remarks and comments ive received from my boyfriend.


leighannxe2
25wk6dy

Hi hun,

I really do understand how you feel as my other half has agreed to go on his friends stag weekend two months after our due date! I'm mortified to be honest! I have told him how i feel and he has said that he will pay the deposit and the flight and if the time comes and i really dont think i'm coping etc then he wont go, I have told other friends about this and they have all said that once the time comes he probably wont want to go? I'm not sure though......My boyfriend is such a caring and considerate person which is hy i can't understand him agreeing to go away so soon after the baby is born, i think that these guys have no understanding of what life is actually gonna be like once the baby comes along??

The only advice i can give you is to expalin your fears etc to you husband and maybe ask him to look at the situation once the baby is here and see if it is acceptable for him to go then......sorry i'm not much help but i just wanted to say that you are not alone and you are also not being ultra sensitive, the guys are being ultr insensitive!

Take care hun!

Donna (25 weeks)
xxxxx