Hi guys

This is a question for all new mums. So I had my daughter Eden 10 weeks ago now and she is my world. The birth was not straight forward and for about 2 weeks after her birth my partner appeared to be in awe of what I had been though to have her and things were rosey. Since then Eden has had colic which has been really tough and whilst I understand having a baby changes the dynamics of a relationship I feel that my life has changed completely and his has not changed at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel depressed post natally, I am so ready to be a mum, however I feel my partners attitude is really getting me down. I'm not feeling very supported by him, he seems to think that him working for a living is enough and he doesn't have to do anything around the house and does very little with Eden, although we agreed prior to her arriving that he would do the bed and bath time bit. To be honest I'm doing it all as well as night time stuff. I'm absolutely exhausted and any attempts to communicate how I feel are met with anger on his part. He's seems to think that raising our daughter is one long party!

I'm so frustrated and whilst I love being a mum I feel he is making it all so much harder as I am parenting him as well. Is this normal?? I'm waiting for him to get out of the bath (can't remember the last time I had time for one of those) to talk about it all but I've just raised it and he's bitten my head off. This is not the first time we will have spoken about this, in fact is a weekly occurance with nothing changing. I'm ready to ask him to leave which will leave me in a real financial mess but I'm not sure I can do this anymore. I'd rather be broke and happy and since I'm practically parenting alone that won't be any different.

I feel so stupid and feel that I've let my daughter down. Should I put up and shut up or ask him to go? I feel like he doesn't value my role as a mother. I'm so confused.

Any advice gratefully received.

Donna. x

Hi guys, thanks for all the advice, I tried to talk to him last night and he just started shouting, saying he went to work for a living and that he did plenty. i tried to explain my feelings and just got shouted down. He then refused to communicate with me which is quite typical and a real sticking point, he did it last weekend - refused to talk to me for 3 days. I told him I couldn't be in a relationship were there was no communication and that if refused to talk ...again then maybe we should go back to counselling... he refused everything...refused to talk and made out that everything was my fault and I was completely unreasonable.

I was very calm and suggested if he felt this was the case then we should call it a day, things have been really hard for about a year and things changed when I got pregnant with him leaving me twice within that time. He is not interested in our daughter and got up and left like he couldn;t get out quick enough and didn;t even say goodbye to her. He returned this morning to collect some clothes and again ignored her. I feel remarkably calm and like this is the right decision however hard things may be financially. Emotionally this is the right thing for me and Eden.

I'll be off line for a bit now as he took the modem with him so I can;t get on line (i'm at my parents) but thanks for the support. I really appreciate it. We have been out to gether as a couple as well and I've tried to make time for him but it's just not worked. Could I have done anything else??

Donna. x

I've pm you hunny. Hope you get back online soon!! xxxxx

Ben is only 10 days old but i can totally sympathise with you. My hubby is great he really is, he does the washing n ironing n stuff but when it comes to Ben he will leave him crying and struggle to settle him. i think that part of the problem is that a lot of women (not all i know) have an in built maternal instinct that men dont and, lets face it, newborns are boring. They are cute and lovely dont get me wrong but as my hubby puts it "they dont do an awful lot"!!

I am struggling with the worry that my other half isnt bonding properly, admitedly its not the extreme that yours is but i think that we all might just expect a bit too much men and women alike. I think we expect them to come home, feed and cuddle the baby, make conversation and perhaps offer to cook tea yet they just think that they have been at work all day and we have been at home so we should look after them.

How about leaving him for a FULL day with your daughter at the weekend, go out, leave a list of things that need doing and dont come back until early evening, he will soon learn what hard work is and will maybe appreciate you a bit more?

I also agree with the other posts that it is important to have time as a couple otherwise all yuor lives are is baby.

Hope you dont mind my opinions, good luck,

tina and Ben xx

I agree with waiting4baby that your chap might feel pushed out if you're doing all the breast feeding and so on but this is no excuse for his behaviour.
Have the two of you had a night out since your little one came alone? I know it may seem inappropriate right now but from what I gather from my maternity books is that it's important for new parents to spend some quality time together at least once every week/fortnight to keep their relationship alive. After all, it was just you two before baby came alone, so why not get a little bit of you two back?
It doesn't have to be a huge night out, maybe the cinema and a meal, but it will give you both the chance to talk aswell, without the distraction of a baby.
Hope you don't mind my advice but this is what me and my chappy are planning to do once our little one dcides to arrive (I'm due for induction tomorrow!!!)
Anyway, hope I've helped a bit. Keep us posted!
Ellie x (40+9)

I'm so sorry you are going through this during this special time with your new baby. Maybe your OH is finding it hard cos you have more of a role with Eden than him in these early days. I think it's easier for us to get a baby head on than it is for them. My OH is always a bit off when i've got a baby! Cos I breastfeed too I think he feels a bit shut out of it all and baby settles beter with me too. I think he's jealous.
Men find talking about feelings tough too.
Don't put up with him making you unhappy though. If he loves you he'll make an effort to make you happy, yea?
Hope your chat with him went ok.
Thinking of you
Love Trace xxxx