Hi there,

I used this forum religiously when pregnant and found it so useful! Now i'm back and my son is 5 months old.

It's about work. I've a dilemma. As a teacher my headteacher is expecting me back in November (even though my year isn't up until April) and I have already met the childminder who is aware I am going back full time.
I have always been 100% committed to my work and have done so many extra curricular activities for the school.

However, I am now considering what my options are as regards going back to work. I don't really want to go back full-time and would love a 4 day week but I don't think it'd be possible! And would my child-minder be entitled to be peeved off and still charge me for a full week??? (I haven't signed anything yet).

Has anyone got advice on this issue plz. I'm so depressed thinking of my son having a preference to the childminder because I won't see him as much ;(

Has anyone else got any other ideas about going back to work? Or something that worked for you? Please help as I have to go to speak to the headteacher tomorrow about my plans.
x x

i did some volutary work in a school and my teacher job shared, they each did 1 full day and the rest 1/2 days so it is definately possible, you head might like to start that at the beginning of a school year tho so it dosnt rattle the kids, they will be able to get a part time teacher in easy enough and it worked well in my school.

as for the childminder situation, you will have to speak to her but i doubt she will mind if she knows asap. and as or baby preferring childminder, no-one ever matches up o mummy, i really dont agree with the poster below, i would love to be a stay at home mum but money issues don allow and i certainly dont consider myself to be a bad mum cos i want to provide for my child. unfortunately in this day and age if you dont want to live off benefits you get penalised cos of the house prices and bloody taxes you have to pay and the government seems to be all about getting mums back into work rather than helping mums look after their own children.

sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant lol!!

hi

I couldn't imagine being away from my five month old son for a day let alone working full time. I feel once you have made the decision to be a mother then you forget about the "career" for a while and see motherhood as being a full time job. I can understand it is a dilemma to you. Your son will have a preference to the childminder of course as a baby's first love is someone who spends most quality time with them especially as their little minds are so young and developing. Unfortunately this is a common "dilemma" for many women these days and perhaps it's a "money" thing as many people just cannot afford living off one income.If it is a case of "regaining" your identity then I think it's selfish. Sorry if it seems I am attacking you I just think it would benefit you and the relationship you have with your baby if you forgot about work and just be a full time mum to him. Babies are perceptive and sensitive to changes in their lives and I could be wrong but I feel many behavoural problems occur as a result of mothers letting their children get away with so much to make up for other things that are lacking. Of course many women work full time with babies but I would expect they feel tremendously guilty and problems arise from that guilt. Speak your head teacher and say goodbye!

Some people don't have that luxury, I already know I have to go back once my paid 39 weeks is up, as we can't afford for me not to work. Providing for my child is not going to make me a bad mother! My little girl will still be just as loved and well looked after, and we will know we can afford food and clothes and a roof over her head!

has worked with young children and with a husband who works in a nursery i can easily tell you that children love their parents and are attached to their parents first and foremost! they are delighted to see them any time. huge hugs and kisses and so proud to show their work to their beloved parents. i can honestly tell you that even the children who really attach to some of the childminders, their first relationship is with their parents, for example, one little boy in my husband's nursery forgot to say goodbye to him one afternoon and they had been playing lots that afternoon, so the little boy's mummy brought him back to say goodbye to my husband, now that is a sign that the little boy is very attached to my husband, but it's still nothing compared to the relationship with his parents!!!

how dare you attack someone for having/wanting to provide an income and a quality of life for their children, were you born with a silver spoon in your mouth? or maybe it's issues of your own that you are projecting. if so, i really suggest you see someone about them as they will not benefit you in the long run.

i'm sorry but you have really got to me with this one.

it's not about a 'career' for the majority of people, and even if it is, so what? they are teaching their children that this is what we can do with our lives, and we can have wonderful relationships with those around us at the same time as working in a fulfilling career.
have you any idea of the commitment and the time and the effort that teachers need to put into their daily work? have you any idea of the love that teachers have for their pupils? have you any idea of the social development that all children, no matter how young, get from being at a nursery? have you any idea of the problems that can arise from children not having enough contact with their peers before school?

and please, you have to emphasise 'money' like that? like it's something dirty! have you any idea what it is like not being able to pay the bills, or have to choose one type of food over another because you can't afford to get both? have you any idea of the stress that causes - and the damage that stress does to a body and mind?

you are damn right babies are perceptive, and a mother who has an identity of her own as well as being a mother is so much stronger for her children. having an identity of your own is so important! it teaches children that they can be who they are, not fit into some pre-conceived identity that others have for them. it teaches children to be confident, caring, strong people, able to care for themselves and those around them.

have you any idea of the number of depressed people in this world who have trouble for the very reason that they have either never found themselves or have lost themselves on the way.
it is so important for people to be themselves.

(aside from some rare exceptions) every mother is a full time mother regardless of wether they work or not, do you think that their children are out of their minds for one second just because the mother is working?

and yes, one point that you are right on is that problems really do occur from mothers letting their children get away with things either when 'making up' for something that is lacking or any other reason. but where you are very wrong is thinking that that is to do with when the mother works! on the contrary, the majority of mothers will then be able to provide their children with a brilliant social environment in which to develop before they go to school and also are able to provide those things that the child needs.

one boy i remember from school who had (and still has from what i heard) issues regarding a number of things was so doted on by his parents that they smothered him and spoiled him, anything he wanted was his, anything he didn't want to do he didn't have to do, his parents did everything for him - oh and his mother was a full time mother. now they were lovely people, they just obviously had some issues regarding personal identity - they did everything for their son and nothing for themselves. do you really think any child can cope with that without becoming spoiled?

the reason people often feel guilty for working is because of comments like the ones you have just made. telling someone who obviously adores her baby that she is a bad mother!
have you no sense of compassion? or empathy? there is no need to feel guilty when being a working mother. a good mother is one who always makes sure their child knows that they are there for them regardless of where they are! i have always known my mother was there for me, regardless of whether she was at work, at home, doing the shopping, playing tennis, taking us to the million different places we went to, reading us storied, helping us with our homework, holding us when we were upset, holding us when we were happy (i could go on!) and i still know that she will drop everything for me and be with me as soon as possible regardless of the fact that i am 30 this month or of the fact that she would have to take 2 flights to get here! and i have always been confident in the fact that my mum adores me and my sister and we adore her, she is our best friend as well as our mum, and she worked! even when it was just the 3 of us after my dad died, she worked to provide for us and to show us what we can do. god knows what you'd say about that situation!


ok, i'm going to stop now.

elizabeth

I just skimmed over these comments and think you should all settle down. I understand everyone has different situations. I come from a family where both parents were Officers in the Airforce and Army and my mother is the strongest woman I know who pursued a successful career and raised me on her own from the time I was ten. Now I am a mother I feel lucky that and I can stay at home with my son and will do until he is a little older. I understand people want the best for their child and EVERY child DESERVES the very best. If I wasn't so lucky I too would work so very hard to provide for my son I am blessed to be able to stay at home with him at the moment. The lady I was replying to seemed as though she had a choice to either go back to work or not and I am just airing my view. No need to get personal and passionate about all this. I am not judging anyone. Settle down ladies.

Not just on this post but others as well were extremely offensive to older mothers, single mothers, working mothers, anyone who has a CS birth (despite the fact in most cases they save the lives of mother and/or child), people who can't breastfeed (and if you read the struggle some people have to try and make it work you'd understand why slating them is VERY offensive).

This is a public forum and you're entitled to your opinions but we're all entitled to tell you what a pile of sh*te they are particularly if they are offensive and hurtful to other people.

That's my opinion anyway!

they need a clapping smiley in this place! i totally agree with everything. Im sure the majority of us love the idea of being home with baby 24 hours a day but in reality its not always possible and not only that its not neccessarily the best thing for the baby. I know so many cases, such as my friend who dotes on her baby because hes the only person she feels loves her, that baby hates to leave the mother for a second and cries if another person so much as nears her. is that healthy? shes not a working mother, shes home with her son all day yet hes incredibly spoilt, she buys him every last thing he asks for and even a hundred things he doesnt even though shes on benefits and can scarcely afford it. then my aunty who choose not to return to work and stay with her daughter whos now 4 and is also so attached to her mum she hardly even likes to go with her father. to get her to speak to other people or children is nearly impossible. i think its not good for a child. My sister was a total mummys girl so much so when my mother had to go away with my dad to hospital when she was younger my sister was so upset she got extremely ill being seperated from my mum and my mum had to travel 6 hours back home to collect her. my mum decided to send her to nursery to meet other children and she flourished from that point.

My mother and father worked full time since we were children and i never felt unloved or uncared for. We still didnt have money even with them working and we sure werent spoilt we never went without though.
I think you have a very small world view because something works for you, not everyone is the same.

is talking a lot of sh*te. Again. And don't you dare listen to any of her cr*p. Not that I think you will. Her baby is clearly going to have attatchment disorders later in life, the poor wee thing. These are projected on to the babies by the parents and it's about an adults needs being met not the childs.

Jude was this age when I returned to work and far from preferring the nursery teacher, he was so pleased to see me he would squeal with delight and we hugged, just as he was happy to return to his peers the following morning.

Clarelouise can't imagine being away from her son cos it sounds like she has an unhealthy attachment to him and is getting something from her relationship with him which is lacking elsewhere in her life.

I certainly don't feel guilty that I have always worked to earn a living. It is actually possible to have a healthy balance of work, family and a social life and I'm teaching my children the value of money and instilling life long ethics in them (hopefully) that If they want something they work hard for it.

The manager at Charlie's nursery, same person as the after school care (yes, he even goes when I'm on Mat Leave as he loves it and it gives me time with the new baby) comments regularly on how secure my children must be as they can come easily to nursery and enjoy themselves and fit in so quickly. Her baby will be the one clinging onto his mum screaming and distraught when they do have to part.

Jen xx

Having a baby that clings and cries when mum goes out is a VERY healthy reaction. Most children I know do it once or twice before they feel a little more secure being left alone.

By staying home with him full time I am ensuring HIS needs are met.He is a very happy and contented little fellow.

The manager at the nursery comments on how secure your children "must", only you can be the judge of that, who cares what he assumes.

For you to have to mention this sounds as though you are insecure about a few aspects of your parenting methods.

Don't penalise me for doing what comes naturally. Your behaviour is hardly great "role model" material either but like I said you are most likely a lovely person with great values - you just took my comments very personally and pretty much gave away the fact that you are envious of my situation.

I didn't take your comments personally as your opinions are not of particular importance to me. You were attacking a woman already feeling insecure and guilty and your bizarre dogmatic opinions made you sound like the playground bully.

I'm astounded at your accusation that I be envious of your situation. And as I am quite happy to admit that I am not perfect, of course I question some of my parenting methods but using child care services and seeing my little ones come on leaps and bounds with their speech and interaction with peers is not one of them.
Teaching them work ethics is also not another of my methods that I question.

Your baby most likely is happy and content but the small babies I see at my child care look perfectly happy as well.

I care far more about what the manager at the nursery with her however many years experience in childcare and attachment disorders than I do about a little girl like you with your one baby that you're determined to cling to.

Don't ever preach to me about parenting and babies. I have had 5 and have been parenting for nearly 19 years, making wrong decisions, learning from experience etc.

Yes, you're right most babies cry at first when mum leaves but weren't you talking about your baby actually being almost out of toddler hood before you were going to leave him? That's when the parents anxieties are transferred to the child, not when they're a small baby.

Are you ever going to go away, you know, I may have said this before but see if one person is telling you something it's a disagreement. But if many people are saying it to you then there's something in it. Why not go and take a look at what many women on here have said to you instead of wasting your time talking about subjects you know little about

I would prefer someone less judgemental and more understanding of others to be a 'role model' for my son personally.

you are most likely a lovely lady ....peace xx I am not patronising you either - you cannot judge a person by a forum. Take care

not everyone has this luxury.........some of us have to work cos we can't afford not too.

I've never heard of a baby prefering their childminder either..........mums still get lots of quality and quantity time.....

there is no need to feel guilty for working and trying to provide the best life possible for your child/ren and I don't think you should try to make people feel guilty.
Believe it or not some relationships blossom because mums are getting adult time to recharge and give their best to their children when they can.

This is a personal decision which no one should criticise.

It was just about diary books for parents to let them be involved in what their children have been doing.....oh and that noone will ever match up to mummy so not to worry about that!

Love Tracey xxxxxxx

I'm a child minder
and it is possible that she may not be as happy to have a contract for a part week as this will mean that she cannot fill her spaces on the odd day...........this will be entirely personal tho depending on her numbers etc so you should talk to her about it.....you don't owe her anything til you have signed a contract you are both happy with.

A four day week could be possible for a teacher.....I know some teachers at my son's school who are doing a job share thing so they get to work part time or the higher level teaching assistant could follow your lesson plans for one day a week....you'll have to negotiate with your head.

stand by for part 2!!LOL xxx

not letting me post a long reply....just trying this short one to check it out.....sorry!!!

I doubt the childminder could charge you if you haven't signed anything yet. Would be worth letting her know your plans sooner rather than later to keep the goodwill going!

4 days sounds like a good compromise and your work would have to have a good reason to refuse flexible working. If a request for flexible working is refused you get a right to appeal.

Good luck whatever you decide.

well i don;t have this problem but if you want to only go back 4 days just speak to your childminder first then speak to your headmaster tomorrow, your son will never favour anyone over you so don;t worry about that it'll make your time together more special when you get home! but i would just have a word with the childminder and if thats definatley what you want then go for it xx

Help?

hope you are both doing well

i'm kinda in a similar situation my boss pretty much said no to flexable working hours saing that my job is all or nothing so i'm now planning to take the full year and go back end of april.

its worth asking about at the end of the day they can only say no and at least you would have tried. at the end of the day you have to do whats right for you and your little man though i'm sure he'll never love anyone as much as you

sending lots of hugs
lis x